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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

248 replies

rabbitdisposal · 19/02/2014 20:13

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go Hmm. Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

OP posts:
IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 19/02/2014 23:07

Cant see any problems here, sorry, but out.

coldwater1 · 19/02/2014 23:08

Omg call social services! How dare she care about her children!!!! Hmm

Really?! I parent like your friend and i think i do a great job.

AmberSpyglass · 19/02/2014 23:09

how I can make her calm down a bit.

Why should you, it's not your job. There could be a million reasons she's like this and none of them are your business unless she actually asks for your help.

She sounds more intense than I am personally, definitely, but different is not necessarily bad. Either accept it and focus on what you like about being her friend or don't accept it and find a new friend, I guess.

DonnaDishwater · 19/02/2014 23:12

Adulthood lasts a lot longer than childhood, and mollycoddling children can stunt their development into adults. I'm not advocating going back to the famous five and letting kids go off for days at a time. But kids should be allowed to leave their familes for a few hours and go off on their own under their own steam.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2014 23:15

Btw OP welcome to mn. It's unusual to post something mildly controversial in aibu for your first post and then disappear. Normally, manners would indicate that you stick around on your own thread but, hey.

TeenageAdvice15 · 19/02/2014 23:15

At the age of 8 with two teenage brothers my dd's (she's a twin) definitely heard the word fuck. In movies, by their brothers and friends and me and dp in arguments. in fact, they probably heard it regularly from when they were about 4.

Fairenuff · 19/02/2014 23:16

Nice.

jacks365 · 19/02/2014 23:17

donna it's not just the mile walk but the length of time it also takes to get anywhere by public transport nearest city centre takes 2 hours by bus but 30 mins by car plus we apparently don't require bus services in an evening. Could be worse one place nearby gets a bus twice a week, their nearest regular bus service is a 7 mile walk and those roads are horrible.

CaterpillarCara · 19/02/2014 23:20

Donna, I agree we need to prepare children for independence. I just think it depends on the child and where they are. I don't think there is enough in the original post to know.

We can all only decide based on our own children (one of mine is much more practical than the other), our own area, etc. I did not go on a bus alone until my twenties, I don't think. I had been in planes, trains and taxis alone by then - and could drive!

In fact, I played for many hours unsupervised as a child (in a park in downtown Harare). I am not sure many would advocate that area as being safe for free play now.

TeenageAdvice15 · 19/02/2014 23:20

I'm sure you'd be happy to hear fair that those arguments are the very reason I'm now divorced.

JassyRadlett · 19/02/2014 23:21

Sounds a lot like my mum, tbh. She loosened up a but as my younger siblings got older but the reins were tighter for me.

I've done all right. Good degree, travelled the world by myself, good job, husband, kid.

Actually, when I think about it, you're right. She ruined my life.

Sillylass79 · 19/02/2014 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zeebaneighba · 19/02/2014 23:27

YABU - none of this sounds that bad. In fact some of it is just plain sensible. Knowing the parents of your kids friends is a must in my view. At age 16 I stayed the night at a friends whose mum my parents didn't know well. The mum swans off at 9pm with her boyfriend, handing the 5 of us the keys to the liquor cabinet and saying she'd be back by morning. That same night most of us got raging drunk, one friend passing out and vomiting on her back. She would have choked to death if not for a few of us being less-drunk and recognising she was in trouble. It was like watching one of those anti-binge-drinking on tv - except for real, with no adults around. Totally terrifying. You can't always trust other parents, and IMO the welfare of your kid always comes first.

MissHobart · 20/02/2014 00:15

Grin @ motherinferior - we must know each other, I've seen buses outside of London too! Shock

RuddyDuck · 20/02/2014 03:56

It sounds as though she is very overprotective ( except about the dvds, I'm with her on that one). Not letting your 13 year old travel by bus is very odd, unless they have sn. The playing out alone thing might be dependent on geography. My dc played out with their friends in the street and the local park at that age but if it had involved crossing busy roads or the park was isolated then I might not have let them at 8.

It sounds as though your friend has anxiety issues, and might need your support. Are your dc the same age? Maybe you could suggest that your older dc and her older dc catch the bus into town together.

AngryBeaver · 20/02/2014 04:43

Wow, RUINING their childhood?
Bloody hell.
She sounds like a very caring mum to me. maybe a bit ott, but isn't that better than not caring?

If non of my kids were 15, then they wouldn't be watching a 15 film. 12-15 is a huge jump.

Not allowing kids to people's houses if you don't now the parents? Pretty sensible, imo.

Pedo hunting? No law against being vigilant and protectve.
It's good not to be complacent.

And if she wants to drop off and pick up, so what?!
Sheesh.

AngryBeaver · 20/02/2014 05:02

Trying to think I've I'd ever got the bus at 13...maybe, maybe not.
Wasn't a big deal, I didn't have to. I got lifts mostly.
And when I was 18 I got a car.
"Life skills"? Getting the bus is a life skill?! It's not hard if and when they ever need to do it is it?!
I have, occasionally had to get the bus or the train. No one ever taught me to do it, but I am of average intelligence, so managed just fine Wink

I reiterate ...cook your own fish!

nooka · 20/02/2014 05:32

Sounds a bit sad to me, but then I was brought up to value independence, and I've no wish to be a taxi service. I have a 13 year old, and now she is at high school we have her friends round whose parents I've not met, and she has been to her friends houses and I've done little more than wave and drop if that. She'd be pretty peeved if I said she couldn't visit someone until I'd met their parents.

She meets her friends in town, gets to classes she wants to go to etc. Our bus service is really fairly rubbish (once an hour and slow), but I think it's important for her to be able to make her own way to places and to grow in confidence. Last year we sent ds (now 14) to visit my mum in the UK (we live in Canada) and he did the transatlantic hop plus a five hour layover no problem.

We also have all sorts of movies in our house as dh and I enjoy films, and probably 80% of them are 18s. We told the children that they would find them boring/disturbing and they've not been that interested. Happily watch 15s with them though (and look forward to sharing our favourites with them in a couple of years).

Davidhasselhoffstoecheese · 20/02/2014 05:48

reverse? AIBU

The hand sanitizer seems over the top and my 12 year old does catch a public bus to school with his friends. Apart from that everything seems normal.

Davidhasselhoffstoecheese · 20/02/2014 05:49

I guess with the bus it depends much on the type of area you live. We have a low crime rate here and it's a very boring middle class area.

differentnameforthis · 20/02/2014 06:07

I don't see the issue with any of that & I certainly wouldn't say she is ruining their childhood.

I drive, so I would drop my daughter off if she needed to go anywhere, why pay for public transport when I have petrol in the car.

lilystem · 20/02/2014 06:07

I'm 33 and have never been on a bus.

Apart from the hand sanitizer she sounds like a great mum to me.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 06:56

I would remedy that then, lilystem.

bellablot · 20/02/2014 07:00

Don't see any issues. Sure she sounds over protective but isn't that better than neglectful?

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:03

If she has ruined their childhood they will break free at 18 and she won't see much of them. Time will tell. There is nothing you can do. Neurotic people don't stop it because you tell them to! Especially as they don't recognise they are neurotic.

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