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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

248 replies

rabbitdisposal · 19/02/2014 20:13

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go Hmm. Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 19/02/2014 22:07

This has to be the oddest thing to get your knickers in a twist over.

A kind, caring parent setting loving boundaries for her children, that differ ever so slightly to the way others might raise their children.

STOP PRESS

Not.

And you consider yourself her friend? Hmm

doubleshotespresso · 19/02/2014 22:09

Sounds pretty fine to me. Where would you let 8 and 10 year olds play out? Glad also to read about monitoring films and other parents. What is wrong with checking?

Seems like your friend is doing her best for kids she loves very much. Leave her to it.

TeenageAdvice15 · 19/02/2014 22:09

My DD has been watching 15 since the age of about 11/12 getting the bus by herself since 12, and since starting secondary school I've hardly met/had a conversation with any of her friends parents.

She is now 15 and plays 18 rated video games and watches movies with similar ratings, goes into London, Brighton etc on public transport with her friends. If all of this makes me a bad parent then oops. Parents these days protect their children too much, not only is it embarrassing to be protected so much but independence needs to be given from a fairly young age.

TeenageAdvice15 · 19/02/2014 22:10

shebird my teens always sleep over at people josies where I don't know the parents... :s

StoneToGo · 19/02/2014 22:11

It sounded fine up until the hand sanitizer bit. You call her a friend?

DonnaDishwater · 19/02/2014 22:14

Not letting a 13 year old have some freedom - being allowed outside with friends, catching buses/trains etc is a bit weird IMO. At what point do you let them do this? I don't think ferrying kids from A-B all the time is a good way to prepare them for adult life.

Dustypeas · 19/02/2014 22:15

This sounds pretty much like normal parenting to me, apart from the sanitizer thing. My DCs started to have the occasional short trip into town at around 13 on public transport with friends that I knew - usually in a group of 3/4 and with regular mobile phone contact.
I used to think I was a bit fussy re only letting my kids go to houses of friends whose parents I knew until I relented and let my DS go to a birthday party of a child we didn't know well and whose parents we didn't know. The kids were taken to see a film and then tea at kids house. A few weeks later I heard that social services had been called into school as the mother of this child was an alcoholic and child had made a disclosure re being hit! Needless to say we never did this again!

CaterpillarCara · 19/02/2014 22:17

But Teenage, do you judge others who choose differently re these things?

Perhaps my younger child may end up watching the odd 15 rated films at age 12, as her older brother will then be 15. Right now though, as per the OP's friend's household, she is far, far younger than that. So to allow her brother to watch a 15 film at 11/12 years old would mean she was watching one at 7/8!

My 11-year-old has taken the bus alone, on a fairly safe journey with no roads to cross and an adult at either end. Depending on where we lived though, this may not have happened. I know none of my older nephews have, they don't live somewhere with a viable bus service.

TeenageAdvice15 · 19/02/2014 22:21

seriously the same dd watched hot fuzz (a 15) when she was about 7 because my ds was 13 at the time, she has not been scarred! obviously some 15s are worse than others but ones with some swearing etc really aren't that bad

CaterpillarCara · 19/02/2014 22:23

Yes - but you need to know, right? I hate watching TV and am not going to check them first... surely it is safer to just pick ones which have a lower rating. That is not going to scar them either!

mygorgeousmilo · 19/02/2014 22:24

Some of it is OTT, the hand sanitizer etc. But what's your alternative? Should she be letting her kids watch violent films once they get home from roaming the streets?

thepg · 19/02/2014 22:24

People who don't let they're children play out on their own...was it the same for you growing up?

Why are people so scared these days? Society is no more dangerous generally.

As for the whole age rating thing, only on MN and in the daily mail have I seen this blind following of film and game ratings. Hey guess what...you're a parent...so parent.

Or is it easier to let someone in a room parent for you with their list of guidelines.

A film with full frontal nudity and no sex or violence would be an automatic 15...and of course our children should be protected from nudity shouldn't they. Hmm Hmm

I just wish people would think for themselves. Ratings should 'guide' you. No more no less. And ffs teach your kids independent thinking while you're at it.

/rant over

SauceForTheGander · 19/02/2014 22:26

Why do you think the DCs should watch DVDs rated too old for them? Don't get it.

Hard to comment on the public transport without knowing where you live. A kid was stabbed on a bus route near us and I'm very paranoid about it.

Possibly over protective - but she loves them right?

Nocomet · 19/02/2014 22:26

My 16y has never been on an ordinary town bus, we don't have any.

My almost 13y has with a friend and her mum, but not on her own.

Both are happy to wander round our nearest small city's on their own and DD1's been on the train a few times.

But we just don't live somewhere where independent travel is possible.

JohnnyBarthes · 19/02/2014 22:28

YANBU.

Sure they'll probably turn out alright, but being chaperoned everywhere and having every moment of one's life monitored and controlled must be horrible.

Ferried everywhere at 13, ffs!

FreckledLeopard · 19/02/2014 22:45

YANBU. The world's gone mad. My mother left home aged 14 to go into service in London. My father slept rough during the Blitz aged 10 for six weeks til he got caught by a warden, then joined the Navy at 14. Both of them lived to tell the tale and learned some pretty crucial skills.

It beggars belief that parents don't allow their children to learn the skills they need as adults. How on earth will these children manage in the real world? It'll be like that thread recently where the OP was kicking off that her partner wouldn't take the day off work to accompany her to London as she was scared of the city and the journey Hmm .

DD was getting the tube on her own to school aged 11. People really need to stop being so neurotic and over-protective. It doesn't do anyone any favours.

jacks365 · 19/02/2014 22:52

When your nearest bus stop is a mile away being ferried around is quite common. Why do children need to play in the streets when they have a garden? I did and do know my dc friends parents probably as a result of all the ferrying around thats done due to lack of public transport. Different things work for different situations and what is right for one family may for practical reasons not work for another.

CaterpillarCara · 19/02/2014 22:59

"I just wish people would think for themselves. Ratings should 'guide' you. No more no less. "

I agree. But I am also lazy and not fond of TV-, film-watching. I therefore have no wish to research films in advance. So I go with the ratings.

shebird · 19/02/2014 23:02

Yes I played out all day and until dark but I lived in a quiet close surrounded by countryside with no traffic.
No my DCs do not because we live on a busy road so there is nowhere suitable to play except our garden.
Different circumstances nothing to do with overprotective.

TeenageAdvice15 · 19/02/2014 23:02

When you don't let your children watch films rated for older kids is it because of the fact that there is violence or because there is swearing? Because some films are rated a 15 just for saying fuck in them a few times, otherwise they would be a 12, for example.

DonnaDishwater · 19/02/2014 23:05

Would it really hurt kids to have to walk a mile to the bus stop?

CaterpillarCara · 19/02/2014 23:05

Teenage - for me, it is because it might be violence, it might be sex, it might be swearing. I cannot be bothered working out which, and so favour something in the "correct" age range. It is not like there is a shortage of good material to choose from, and they will be over 15 for a long time...

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 19/02/2014 23:05

that's not that odd, how liberal are you?

Fairenuff · 19/02/2014 23:06

I wouldn't say fuck in front of my 8 year old, would you teenage?

CaterpillarCara · 19/02/2014 23:06

Donna - surely that depends on the walk and where the bus stop is! From our house, there are walks a mile long I would happily let me 11-year-old make. There are walks I prefer not to even do myself (busy A-road, horrible narrow paths).