To be hurt by 'best friends' Facebook post?

[MrsDrRanj]

I know I know, it's just Facebook, please don't stone me!

I have been close with my best friends for over 10 years, we have both supported eachother through some very tough times. Including an abortion I had when I was 15. I didn't get much professional support and struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about.

Being my best friend she knows all this, she knows it is a sensitive subject and the torment I went through afterwards.

Last night she posted a picture on Facebook, that had a picture of a pregnant woman with an arrow pointing to her saying 'your body' and an arrow pointing to her pregnant belly saying 'somebody else's body' and the headline 'it's not your decision - abortion is murder'

I texted her saying 'ouch, that pic hurt' and she messaged saying 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it'

I know everybody is entitled to their views, but aibu to think this was really insensitive and unnecessary? She is not just a random person who knows I have had an abortion, she is my best friend who knows how much it hurt me and supported me through it.

I almost feel betrayed and confused about our whole friendship.

I was one of the people who said YABU and my brain is exactly where it is supposed to be. The post wasn't aimed directly at the OP. the friend was 'sharing' something she believes. Of course we are all entitled to be offended by anything we read on Facebook or elsewhere - I just happen to think it is unreasonable and pointless to let these things get to you.

How's your upstairs neighbour Dr?

"Basil, If someone says that they disagree with your opinion/are hurt by it do you say "sorry" and change your opinion to make them happy? Why should she have to hide what she believes in at the risk of offending others?"

No I wouldn't say sorry and change my opinion. I would say that I was sorry for upsetting them and I would mean it if they were a friend of long-standing whom I respected. I would also think about what they'd said, and consider whether I had done the right thing by expressing my opinion in that particular way by that particular medium.

I would never say "I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it" because I think that's the position of a mealy-mouthed knobber. If I agree strongly with something I don't care if I offend someone, I'm prepared to argue my case for my right to offend because the view is important to me. I have a couple of people on my FB who go to a fundamentalist christian church and I don't know how they feel about gay and lesbian issues, abortion etc. and I occasionally post stuff which for all I know, they may be offended by. But if they tell me they are, I'll tell them I didn't realise they would be offended and I'm not posting in order to offend, but we have fundamentally different values on this. Thing is, I don't care about them, because although I'm vaguely friendly with them, I haven't been a good, intimate friend to them IYSWIM and actually, I don't care that much if they have a problem with it. I would of course, be much more concerned about any genuine hurt I caused, that is different from offence IMO.

I'm not sure I post stuff which is actually calculated to hurt someone. That is very different from posting stuff which you know may offend. I sometimes see memes which imply that everyone religious is stupid, now I wouldn't post that because it's a direct attack on the ppl I have on FB who are religious and I am not the sort of cunt who uses her FB page to launch personal attacks on my page. The OP's "friend" has posted that she thinks the OP is a murderer. That implies that she thinks the OP has done something so morally wrong, that she should be in prison. That goes way beyond offence, that is an incredible personal attack and I would not expect to remain friends with someone who I attacked in that way. But then, I wouldn't call someone a murderer on FB because I'm not a complete arse.

Bumbley if someone posted on FB that she thought you are a murderer or a child abuser, would you take the view that you wouldn't let it get to you, or would you think she was a total arsehole?

I sometimes post anti-smacking stuff. I would never post stuff which says "People who smack their kids are child abusers" because I may be calling some of the people on that page child abusers which is more than me posting my POV it's personally attacking them. Don't you get the difference?

"The OP's "friend" has posted that she thinks the OP is a murderer."

No, she has shared something that states "Abortion is murder". She did not post "MrsDrRanj is a murderer." She is supporting something that she agrees with. She is not making a personal attack on MrsDR. Are you assuming that she posted it in a calculated attempt to actually hurt her? That's a pretty big assumption seeing as you've never met the woman and know very little about her relationship with MrsDR except that she is her friend and supported her through an abortion (even though it now seems to be something that she does not agree with)

I think you are failing to see the difference between sharing something which states an opinion and making a direct personal attack on someone.

Well to be honest this must be how she feels and while it was a little insensitive I think she maybe wasn't thinking of you at the time she posted it.

No, I don't think she posted it as an active policy to upset the OP.

I think she just didn't care enough about whether she would.

Like I said, I have these people on my FB who I'm friendly with but am not good friends, with whom I've shared many intimate experiences. I wouldn't dream of posting something that could be seen as a personal attack on them, and they're not even very good friends. The OP's "friend" didn't care enough about her to take a cursory thought about what impact it would have on her before she pressed that share button.

That's enough to tell me she's a complete arse and a bad friend.

If I posted "smacking is child abuse" I would know very well that people on my FB page who have smacked their children, could read that as me calling them child abusers.

I would be very careful about doing that to anyone, let alone a good friend. I think you're being very disingenuous to pretend that saying abortion is murder, cannot be read as saying that anyone who ever has one or carries one out, is a murderer.

Hi all OP back,

I appreciate all your comments (apart from the person who implied I had an abortion for the fun of it? Wtf?)

I have thought a lot about it and realised her being against abortion isn't an issue for me. Everyone has their own views. But posting the picture that basically calls me a murderer hurts and makes me wonder if that's how she's thought of me all this time.

There is a big difference between 'I think abortion is wrong' and 'if you have an abortion you are a murderer'. In the same way that 'I don't agree with gay marriage' is different to 'gay people are evil'. The first examples will perhaps cause friction in a friendship but could be worked through, the second are pretty much deal breakers.

She's been a great friend to me, but she can be a bit stupid about things like this. I will need to talk about it with her and see what happens from there.

(And my upstairs neighbour is alive and well and not dead to the person who asked lol)

Glad you came back op. I think that's a good idea. If she is your friend then you should be able to talk about it and take it from there. Hopefully she will apologise for upsetting you and you can move on. :)

Ah, that's good. Hopefully it's just a case of her being a bit thoughtless and you can find a way to work through it and keep the friendship.

I posted earlier and what i was trying to get across was a lot of women become pro-life when they believe they are safe , so older , married etc . They do not take in to account the myriad of shit that life can and occasionally does throw at you .

IMO they don't become pro life, they become anti abortion. Or anti choice. Or pro forced birth.

Pro life is anti-abortionist's propaganda term, there's no reason why anyone else should use it or recognise its validity.

TBH I've found that many women as they become older and realise the actuality of parenting - what it means emotionally, psychologically, socially, to go through pregnancy, labour, birth and nurturing of children, they become less anti- abortion than they were when they were younger and had only a theoretical knowledge of pregnancy, childbirth etc. When they realise babies are real people IYSWIM, not just theoretical things and how barbaric it would be to force someone to carry and birth a child against her will.

I have posted anti racism and anti gay stuff because that's how I feel and that, to me, is right. I don't care if anyone is offended and if I lose friends then I don't give a shit as I don't want homophobic racists as friends.
But even I think there's a difference in posting about those things and abortion.
It's so personal and very traumatic, so why would anyone post about it on bloody fb??!
So if I was to post something so inflammatory I would have to believe it 100% and be very prepared to lose friends over it.
She says oh I don't want to offend anyone but...what she means is course i know I'll offend people but I don't care.

I'm not surprised you are hurt, that was at the very least extremely thoughtless. Even worse her response when you questioned it. She may have been a good friend all these years but you've just uncovered a real nasty/stupid streak in her.

AskBasil - I don't think the term pro-choice is much better. Most people who consider themselves pro-choice don't support the idea of abortion to term.

I also disagree that people become more pro-abortion after children.

Well the majority of women who have abortions have already given birth.

52% have had a previous still or live birth according to figures for 2012. That is people who are having abortions though. It doesn't account for all women in the UK so I don't think you can use that to support the idea that women become more pro-abortion after children.

" She should be careful, you won't be the only person who's seen this and been offended by it. It will bite her in the arse one day, and she might not even realise why she didn't get a job, or she didn't make friends in the playground or why her DH can't seem to quite make the next promotion. "

Or even her own promotion. She may be one of those women who has a career of their very own.

Op yanbu. I agree that it's one thing to openly hold pro life views but its another to put that on Facebook where you feel she is judging you. I suspect her views have changed since she was 15, or got more extreme. I know mine have

Many people are pro-life based on their religious beliefs. Religious discrimination?

What is discrimination?

If I chose not to hire OP's ex-friend, it would be on the basis of her posting such utter, deliberately inflammatory and offensive bollocks on Facebook - and not on her beliefs, religious or otherwise.

She looks like a liability, as well as being a quite dense. I really don't need people like that on my team.

Oh I see sorry bumbley.

TBH I found the slightly threatening "you'll be sorry" tone of the post a little offputting, as well as the assumption that it would be the man going for promotion. A bit like people who dislike being asked to behave in restaurants and so mention they won't be going back or recommending it.

There's a big difference to posting something like that and then knowing you've upset somebody, not knownewledge that that made a hard decision that wasn't taken lightly, whether they agreed with it or not