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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by 'best friends' Facebook post?

324 replies

MrsDrRanj · 19/02/2014 19:51

I know I know, it's just Facebook, please don't stone me!

I have been close with my best friends for over 10 years, we have both supported eachother through some very tough times. Including an abortion I had when I was 15. I didn't get much professional support and struggled with the decision for a long time, in fact it's something I still struggle with today and still think about.

Being my best friend she knows all this, she knows it is a sensitive subject and the torment I went through afterwards.

Last night she posted a picture on Facebook, that had a picture of a pregnant woman with an arrow pointing to her saying 'your body' and an arrow pointing to her pregnant belly saying 'somebody else's body' and the headline 'it's not your decision - abortion is murder'

I texted her saying 'ouch, that pic hurt' and she messaged saying 'I'm not trying to offend anyone but I agree with it'

I know everybody is entitled to their views, but aibu to think this was really insensitive and unnecessary? She is not just a random person who knows I have had an abortion, she is my best friend who knows how much it hurt me and supported me through it.

I almost feel betrayed and confused about our whole friendship.

OP posts:
VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 14:33

Yeah, people I know post their views on stuff all the time that could offend me to the core, even on ethical matters at the heart of life itself, but I choose not to take offense.

In reality however this is a bit more deep and personal a thing, and a really difficult call to make. I would suggest it is a nuanced matter because sometimes our loved ones' choices do not jive with our own principles, so it would warrant some questions, but the friend is probably going to have to think long and hard before they have properly assessed where they stand, and posting this message may have been premature/thoughtless/hurtful.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/02/2014 14:45

There was nothing nuanced about that post. She called everyone who has an abortion a murderer. That's what she wanted to do - to her 200 or so friends- and that's what she did. I can't understand why you would do that knowing that your yfriends had had abortions unless you were thick or nasty. I don't know which she is but I'll guess a bit of both.

nerofiend · 21/02/2014 15:01

That's very passive aggressive behaviour, like so much of what of what really goes on on stupid FB. She is of course entitled to her own personal view on abortion, but knowing how hard it was for you to make that decision at the time, she should have discussed the matter in private with you and let you know what her view really was.

What she did was very hurtful and insensitive, and I would personally distance myself from someone who does that sort of thing.

FB allows people, even old friendships, to disengage and alienate human relations. Stay on FB if you like it, but try to avoid engaging in what really goes on there. I think it's a medium that has potential to bring the worst in people and it certainly does a lot of the time.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 15:26

sunshine - I did say some Christians. Most of my Christian friends are very much in support of gay marriage but I do know some who think homosexuality is 'wrong' and would be very offended by the suggestion that gay people should be allowed to get married in church. Does this mean that people shouldn't post things in support of gay marriage at the risk of offending them? No.

broonco, yes I can see the difference - can you? Can you see a difference between supporting something that you believe in and trying to cause upset and offence?

Re posting inflammatory pictures, tbf the picture itself was not that inflammatory. It was the caption that people have a problem with. They could have used much worse pictures of abortion.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 21/02/2014 15:36

I doubt your Christian friends post messages such as gay people are evil AND then expect to remain friends with gay people.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 15:40

Well that's ok as they didn't use a much worse picture of abortion, that makes all the difference to the message. OP should thank herself lucky or she might have felt a lot worse.

Someone would have to be a bit thick to not know that that post could cause huge offence and hurt. As long as they are willing to accept that and not pretend otherwise. Quite brave I suppose to put that out there and risk losing or alienating friends and having people think you are cruel and offensive or thick. At least she's standing for what she believes and pinning her colours to the mast for all to see.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 15:46

John, I doubt they have many gay friends to begin with but they certainly wouldn't avoid posting about their beliefs at the risk of offending people who may not share those beliefs.

bronco, not what I was saying at all. You wrote: "posting an inflammatory picture of say (just for example) two gay guys having sex with a caption like "how can something so unnatural be allowed to marry and insult the institute of marriage"

Are you really trying to compare a picture of gay sex to a picture of a pregnant woman when you are talking about inflammatory? It's not the picture that people have a problem with here, it's the caption.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 15:49

Tbh if someone thinks people are 'thick' because they aren't pro-choice I would judge them more.

LizLemonaid · 21/02/2014 15:50

Apart from my mother i give pro lifers a swerve

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 15:54

I don't think one image being more graphic than the other really makes a difference here. It's the overall message that matters - not what picture they used.

And what beliefs - the examples used here are about women having abortions being murderers and gay men being unnatural and evil. Surely we all understand that some folk have beliefs not held by everyone, possibly not popular - and then there are other beliefs that many folk find intolerant and quite hateful and damaging.

How do you stand yourself on these beliefs . Do you believe that pregnant women are murderers, that gay men are unnatural and evil? Do you really think people generally find it acceptable to say this I public - especially when those being targeted are present?

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 16:14

"I don't think one image being more graphic than the other really makes a difference here." I think if you're going to make comparisons and talk about 'inflammatory pictures' then you should pick comparable images. It was a poor choice.

You are reversing what I have asked about gay marriage: "Someone could post something in support of gay marriage rights that may really offend some Christians. Does that mean they shouldn't show their support for it?"

Do you think people should not be able to show their support for gay marriage because it might offend some people? Or do you think it's ok because it's something that you agree with yourself? My point is, that some people tend to think certain 'posts' are ok based on their own opinion of issues. The problem is that we don't all share the same opinions. I think everyone is entitled to their own opinions and are entitled to express them. Plenty of people 'like' and 'share' things on facebook that I don't share their opinion on. I just choose not to 'like' those posts and I may think "Hmm, I didn't realise they thought like that." but I don't think they should not have posted it because it may have offended me nor do I think it makes them 'thick'.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 16:49

We are going to have to just disagree there then. If you can't see that there is a difference between calling people murderers and evil and unnatural (as in the gay example), all very personal and emotive especially when those people are part of the target audience compared to a post in support of gay marriage - then I have nothing more to say.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 16:53

Well actually, one more thing. In both cases it wouldn't have necessarily been the images that were offensive but the wording and accusations so not sure why you are going on about the images. It was the added words that cause the offence. Right, really last word now - I promise and of course I'm right. harrumph!

Quinteszilla · 21/02/2014 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quinteszilla · 21/02/2014 16:55

That was very clumsily put and reads very crassly, but I hope you got the gist of it.

I dont for a minute think she had you in mind when she posted.

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 17:20

bronco - you were the one that said "inflammatory pictures' I was the one pointing out that the image itself wasn't inflammatory.

My point was merely that people are entitled to their opinions and are entitled to express them and show support for things that they believe. You can't start saying it's ok to post one thing because you happen to agree with it but not another because you don't.

brooncoo · 21/02/2014 17:31

Yes they can - just as I can then judge them if I think these publicly aired views are nasty and intolerant and cruel. I like to think I don't post stuff like that on FB which is contentious and hurtful, especially to people I know and like who will be affected and hurt by it.

There -we all do what we want and make our own judgements.

Right, I really am off again!

bumbleymummy · 21/02/2014 17:37

Yes, of course you can judge them and you don't have to post things if you don't want to. I just don't think we should impose our own views or restrictions on other people. If she wants to post things like that (and be judged on it) then that's up to her.

AnyoneforTurps · 21/02/2014 17:46

millions of other grown women using abortion instead of contraception.

I'd be interested to know where you get this statistic. I'm a GP working with a predominantly young population in an area of deprivation and I've never met a single woman who did this.

flippinada · 21/02/2014 18:28

"If you want to keep aborting for the fun of it, then, she is right. If you would not have an abortion now, then it is not YOU being judged by her, but millions of other grown women using abortion instead of contraception. "

I'd say that goes some way beyond "crass" - in fact it's deliberately offensive and downright insulting.

I hope the OP has hidden this thread and is getting some support from elsewhere.

JapaneseMargaret · 22/02/2014 00:54

At the end of the day, it just comes down to simple priorities, really.

Some people think their entitlement to express their opinions is paramount. Other people take people's - and especially friends' - feelings into consideration and decide, on balance, that these are more important.

It's a bit of an art, I am coming to realise, being a decent human being. Some people are just much better at it than others.

BerlinerBelle · 22/02/2014 01:05

Honestly - I think it's time to re-assess the friendship.

Sometimes we find out that friendships are not sustainable. Maybe they say something racist - or maybe they post pro-abortion pictures on FB.Their choice and freedom of speech and all that - but sometimes it's OK to say - not for me.

fivefourtime · 22/02/2014 03:23

The question was 'am I unreasonable to be hurt by the friend's post?'

On which basis, the people who said YABU are lacking a brain, which means I'm wondering how they got to post on here, since if you don't have a brain you're not alive.

Seriously, what kind of blithering bloody fool reckons it's unreasonable for someone who has had an abortion to be HURT by her supposed best friend criticising people who have abortions?

Yes, she's entitled to her shitty opinion, but that doesn't mean the OP is not entitled to be hurt by it.

HunterWellies · 22/02/2014 07:05

Exactly what I thought, fivefourtime.

Loopytiles · 22/02/2014 07:34

Yanbu, what a horrible thing to post, especially when she knew that about you.