to send my 6 month old dd to full time nursery

[bluebeanie]

I'm heading back to work soon. Mat leave has gone far too quickly.

We don't have any family nearby for any help. She's formula fed, so no problem there. We really need two wages coming in. My mat leave was a very generous 6 months full pay. Our combined incomes will just cover all bills, some savings and the childcare. Plus, it is a critical time in both our careers.

The closer I get to the end, the more guilty I feel. I get the feeling many people think this is too young. I've been given the look of horror by several friends and family members.

Have any other mums got experience of this? How do you fit housework etc in? We probably can't afford a cleaner. I guess I just need some positive stories please. Will she hate me?

I went to nursery full time at 8 weeks. I'm fine and have a great relationship with my mum. I'm also fiercely independent and very social. I'm not saying it was the best thing to do but I do think we over-think these things sometimes.

Are you happy with the nursery?

it gets gradually better mrscog. Dd is 2.1 and is very slowly gaining more sense. 1 is the very hardest age I think.

Your daughter will be fine but IMO it's only possible with a supportive partner who will do his share of cleaning / shopping / cooking / nursery drop offs. Do you have a back up plan of what to do of your DD is ill? And how will this pan out longer term?

My DS goes to a bit of an inbetween Nursery and Childminder.
She's a childminder and has been for 25 years; highly regarded by LA and asked if she wanted to convert to a Nursery which she refused; lts of parents pleased she did! She has assistants who help which means she is officially a childminder but not big enough to be a nursery.
The advantages are that my DS, who went aged 8 months 3 days a week, is cared for in a homely environment. I wanted to be a SAHM but finances wouldn't allow it so I felt a childmnder was the next best thing. Also I had to think ahead to schooling as neither me nor DH would be able to do the school run due to the location and working hours of our job. I needed to make sure he would be able to be cared for before and after school when the time came. I also didn't like the strict age group per room issue in Nurseries. DS socialises with children from tiny babies up to teens and I have noticed that his personal and social skills as well as his physical, creative and language development are surpassing age related expectations. That's not to say, he wouldn't flourish in a nursery but I felt a nursery was too 'institutionalised' for what I wanted.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going back to work whatever the age of your child. The first year was very difficult - illnesses, separation anxiety, sleepless nights - but the 2nd year has been a complete dream. I am lucky to have a very experienced childinder (she's a mum and grandma too) to help. She's very flexible and she charges the same as a nursery but I don't need to take in drinks, snacks, lunches or nappies or wipes. She even puts on spare clothes in case of accidents.

I would research ALL posibilities in your area and always make sure you look to the long term, i.e. primary school because many nurseries won't actually cater for before and after school clubs in which case you will have to think about this when the time comes.

In my area there used to be a nursery but it closed due to lack of demand - which suprised me considering there is a high demand for childcare in my village but I think most families prefer a childminder to a nursery. Also the local primary school doesn't have a breakfast or after school club.

I thought my children would be better off with me and so I became a SAHM. Some people think their kids would be better off in nursery so they put their children in. Some people don't have a choice either way and that is what is sad and perhaps leading to confused feelings for the OP.

It's just not on to add to someone's load by being nasty - people have their own opinions of course but there is no right way. Just "your" way. But what really is naughty is the lucky LUCKY lot who can choose judging those in different circumstances.

I would happily send a 2 year old to ft nursery, any younger than that, no way. I've visited a lot of nurseries as a researcher and they are not suitable for babies IMO. It doesn't matter whether they remember it or not. They wouldn't remember going to bed hungry every night, but I still wouldn't let it happen.

In this situation I would only go with a CM that I was very comfortable and confident with.

I went back 4 days as was a good compromise at 9mths n used day annual leave a wk for 3mths so only did 3days n used cm for 3 days n then nursery for the 4th day. At 3.5yrs still do 4 days mix of cm n nursery.

We needed 2 full wages but made some cut backs.

I also do ad hoc night nanny work n babysitting which pays for any luxuries so holiday or meals out n days out.

Don't feel guilty do what's best for your family

OP my DS went to nursery full-time aged 6 months. It was hard at first (harder for me I think) as he sometimes used to cry when I dropped him off, but I'd just leave and then ring from the car park or peer through the window and he was always fine and happy 5 minutes later. I think it does depend on the nursery though. Some of the ones I looked at I would not have been happy leaving my child at. They were depressing, especially the baby rooms. But in my experience, a good nursery is really good for the child. My ds learned how to behave and interact with other children, how to share, how to play together. He learnt how to sit at the table and eat with other children and I'm sure this is why he's not at all faddy about food as if he saw the others eating something he'd have a go. And he has lovely manners. They'd also do all kinds of messy play everyday - that I'd never do at home - and he loved it. He's just started school and it was a breeze (though he does miss his nursery friends). DD is about to start full-time aged 10 months and I think it will be a lot harder as she's at the spearation anxiety stage. Anyway, I just wanted to say don't let anyone make you feel bad. Lots of people do it, and at a good nursery there are a lot of positives for the child.

Surprised that more people are not supporting the idea that a mother going back to work full time is fine even if you don't 'have' to. You shouldn't have to justify your decision by saying you've no choice (although clearly that is true in some cases). There are plenty of great childcare options out there for women (and men) who enjoy work, enjoy having extra cash or simply have ambitions in life other than being a mother. Being a SAHM is great, if it's right for you and your family, but it's not the only way of having a successful, happy family.

And for the record, my mum went back to work when I was five moths old; we have a great relationship and I have immense respect for her professional achievements.

I've done all combinations plus worked as a nursery nurse and think your plan is fine. All the reasons why have been covered upthread so a bit of practical advice for you.
Be prepared for over tiredness for a while, the guilt or doubt that you're doing the rigbt thing may well kick in then. It's normal and will pass.
A good nursery will be fine with the odd phone call to check up in the early weeks. They'll probably expect it!
On the first full day give DC a cheerful 'see you at teatime' type of goodbye and then go. If you're confident then it will rub off on DC.
From a staff point of view it's much easier to settle a tiny one into the nursery routine and I can assure you that having spent 2 years in the baby room she will get individual attention.

Hi op, I'm not there yet but will be in exactly the same position as you in about 3 months. I already feel guilty too especially as it is the norm in my workplace for women to take a full year. We can't afford a full year's leave plus I am also at a crucial place in my career, same as you! I think we will feel guilty whatever choice we make. But if working makes you happy and fulfilled, It only makes sense to pursue it.

Btw, I just read a great book - 'Perfect madness: motherhood in an age of anxiety' by Judith Warner. She has an excellent discussion about returning to work vs. staying at home. She basically looks at where these social pressures come from, and explains how the attitudes to women returning to work are very different in the Anglophone world as opposed to e.g. France. Eye opening! When I read that, I felt less guilty for wanting to return to work after six months!

I say this as a sahm

Ur dd ur career ur choice. U don't deserve to b judged. Uv said u have to go back and no one to have her u only have one choice. I know lots of mums that work ft and a couple that have done so since lo was 3 months. It's not for me but they still have an incredible relationship with their child and if I'm brutal I would say their kids r happier than mine.

There is no one size fits all when it comes to being a mum do what's right for u & urs

I didn't feel dreadful for months. I felt a bit odd the first day. We're all different...

It might be good to do a week or two of 2 days per week just before you start back to give you some time to yourself and to give more confidence on baby settling in, if you can afford it. Or maybe start back on a Wed or Thu to have a "gentler" start.

brettgirl2 that is the best thing I've read all day In fact DS is 2 in a couple of weeks and I think compared to a month ago he's slightly better. He has more definite tantrums now but they're much more confined to a single issue (such as wearing socks) .

Do what works for your family. Whatever you do, you will worry tbh. Good luck.

We used a childminder when DD was 7 months and I regret it so much. Wish we'd stuck to our guns and used a nursery. I'm on maternity leave again now but when I'm going back to work both DCs will be in full time nursery. It's fine. And no, I can't work part time!

winterlace- why did you regret the CM?

She was really rude to DH and I on a couple of occasions and quite abrasive with DD. I didn't feel it was a homelike environment at all which is meant to be the advantage of childminders. The nursery was lovely.

My DS1 had a childminder who he didn't like- TBH I left him with her too long- She was a good CM, recommended with lots of experience he just didnt click with her. I went through a lot of angst about it, worried I'd damaged him forever by going back to work. Now, at the age of 6, he doesn't remember her. He thinks he went to his younger brothers lovely CM! Guilt is wasted energy. Your DD will be fine in a good nursery- more fine than she would be in a family that couldn't provide for itself and is constantly worrying about money.

my ds was in nursery from 16 weeks, I was single mum so had no choice. He is 11 and absolutely fine now. He was a bit lacking in confidence when he was 4 or 5 and I took 18 months off because I felt so worried, but I don't think it was the nursery that did it, I think it was because I had a very stressful job and I was very stretched. The nursery was great (government run, which I'd recommend) and I think they did a better job than I could have done, under the circumstances (shock horror).
Either way, you can make it work.

Same here fancy. I think childminders are a good option but one option of a few different childcare providers and so I'm not sure the discussion pertaining to that is a helpful one as we can only speak about our own individual circumstances. Some nurseries are poor as are some childminders: it is up to parents to make a decision based on what they feel is best for their child(ren).

I did this at 5.5 months and it was fine. It's totally doable, and in many ways better to start daycare before the separation anxiety kicks in. It's tiring but gets easier.

Things that helped:

1. taking the baby to daycare for half an hour or so per day (I stayed with baby) for the week before starting full-time, to get used to the carers and another babies.
2. Staggering work times if possible, so that one of us would start work later, dropping off baby on the way; the other would leave work early and pick up. It wasn't sustainable (for us) but helped to ease our baby into full time care by starting at around 6 hours per day, gradually increasing to 8-9 hours per day. When that's not possible, I try to drop off baby early (8am) when carers start their day, so that baby gets 1:1 attention and I can still pick him up relatively early.
3. Say goodbye properly, rather than creeping out. I hand over baby to the carer, give a toy, say Daddy will pick you up in x hours and I'll see you tonight, then wave bye bye. There are sometimes tears, but the carer distracts and when I peek around the corner a minute later, baby is happily playing.
4. Anecdotally (sample size of 1!) our baby loves the toys etc at daycare and gets excited to see friends, starting from 6 months. So it's definitely good for them socially, even at such a young age
5. Minimize clutter. We don't have a regular cleaner, but I make a point of clearing surfaces at the end of every day. Manage clutter carefully...we have a house rule not to buy anything unless we also throw something else out!
6. Bottle parts can be washed in the dishwasher, and just rinsed afterwards. We make up a big salad every couple of days, and it does for the next day too.
7. In terms of guilt, it was horrible for me for the first 2 weeks, but got more and more easy as I realized that it was fine and there is no need to feel guilty. (imagine how much attention the 4th+ child received a few centuries ago...your child will probably be receiving more than that).

Well that's much longer than intended...hope it helps though.

one more thing...do in-person tours of the daycare facilities (in am and pm to check for smells, organization etc at the end of the day) and PICK THE BEST YOU CAN AFFORD. We spend a fortune, and it's one thing I have no regrets about.

I went back to work full time when DS was 7 months. I was the primary wage earner but I also enjoyed going back to work. He's now 5, has a younger sibling and parents who love their work. socially, he is very happy, settled and loving. It wasn't always easy juggling childcare if he was unwell, and the house is a bit of a mess, but we remain absolutely happy with our choices.

Don't feel guilty. My mum did this in the 1980s - the glass ceiling was even worse then. She went on to be mega successful in her career, as did dad. My brother and I turned out fine with a strong work ethic thanks to good role models!