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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send my 6 month old dd to full time nursery

203 replies

bluebeanie · 18/02/2014 11:42

I'm heading back to work soon. Mat leave has gone far too quickly.

We don't have any family nearby for any help. She's formula fed, so no problem there. We really need two wages coming in. My mat leave was a very generous 6 months full pay. Our combined incomes will just cover all bills, some savings and the childcare. Plus, it is a critical time in both our careers.

The closer I get to the end, the more guilty I feel. I get the feeling many people think this is too young. I've been given the look of horror by several friends and family members.

Have any other mums got experience of this? How do you fit housework etc in? We probably can't afford a cleaner. I guess I just need some positive stories please. Will she hate me?Sad

OP posts:
KoalaFace · 18/02/2014 12:22

"Be there for them"? In my opinion having a nasty, judgemental parent "there for them" will do more harm than nursery. Get off your high horse, you nasty piece of work.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 12:22

Wrong premise chippers,I can afford not to be there.im solvent
I don't need or want to be at home.i Work because I want to chippers
We had weans because we wanted too

pointythings · 18/02/2014 12:23

There's always one, isn't there? Hmm

And yy to posters who point out that it's easier at 6 months than 9 months.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 12:24

Wrong premise chippers, I can afford not to be there. im solvent
I don't need or want to be at home.i Work because I want to chippers
We had weans because we wanted too

ApplySomePressure · 18/02/2014 12:24

Chippers how is that helpful?

OP my DS went to nursery 4 days a week aged 5 months. He is 11 months now and loves it there. Like others have said, he does far more interesting things at nursery than he would do at home.

We needed 2 wages too. I enjoy being back at work, but I also love my time with DS. When we are home together I make sure that we have quality time such as taking baths together at the end of the day- it helps us to bond after a day apart. It's one of my favourite times of the day Smile

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 18/02/2014 12:26

YANBU. I agree six months means it's before separation anxiety kicks in (mine went at just under six months).

KnockMeDown · 18/02/2014 12:26

Hi Blue

I went back 4 days a week, 9-3.30, when DD was 1yr old, and DD has been absolutely fine. What really helped me was utter confidence in the nursery I had chosen - I was, and continue to be, very pleased with the care she receives there. What is the nursery you have chosen like - are you 100% happy with it?

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 12:27

No problem with chipper post,frankly op needs to get used to pwecious moments,why have them

OvertiredandConfused · 18/02/2014 12:28

Do whatever is right for your family.

If you can. I'd explore whether a four day week is possible for you - it happens in more places without limiting career development but I know that's still an issue (in reality even if not legally) in others. Alternatively, work from home one day a week if you can. You'd still need childcare but you can swap round laundry loads, take delivery of groceries etc whilst working at home. I found that helped when my DC were very small. If you ask for that, make it clear to your employer that your DD will be at nursery. Your DH could also consider doing this.

If you do both work full-time then be clear how you are going to cover illness, housework etc. You and your DH should both have the opportunity to the same amount of downtime - and how you spend that time is up to each of you.

Online grocery shopping, weekly meal plan and maybe even a rough housework rota (nothing heavy, just a guideline / gentle reminder) will help you adjust.

ksrwr · 18/02/2014 12:30

i was in the same situation as you (well, apart from the 6 months full pay maternity leave, that's amazing!!) and my daughter went to nursery at 6 months, 4 days a week, plus one day a week with grandma, so i could go back to work full time. 6 months is a great time, as they haven't had the separation thing, so they adjust really quickly and easily, in fact i dont think we had any tears at the beginning. you will really miss her while you're at work, but that's the only problem sending her to ft nursery will throw up. she will have so much fun, and be so well cared for, and make little friends, and experience so much, that you will feel pleased you have given her this opportunity. the more days a week your child goes to nursery the quicker they adjust and the more comfortable they feel there. the relationships they build with the teachers is also amazing. you'll see...
coping with the housework and the feelings of missing her, will just come with time. just lower your standards around the house!
personally, if we ever have dc2, i'll do the same, it worked well, everyone was and is happy, my dd is nearly 3 now and still is at nursery 4 days a week and with grandma 1 day a week, and my dh and i are still in full time jobs. we are all happy, although by mid-pm every day i'm desperate to go and pick her up ;-)

waddleandtoddle · 18/02/2014 12:31

One of the best things for my DS has been him starting nursery at a young age. He has turned into a lovely socialable boy who isn't phased by making New friends. He gets to do so much more than he did at home - painting, baking, forest school, soft play, unlimited books, dance time, music time, proper waterplay, gardening and swings/slides on a pretty much daily basis. Just be absolutely certain you choose the right nursery as I had problems with my first.
The house doesn't get messy when all 3 of you are out all day! Washing wise try to keep to 2 easy to clean and dry outfits for everyone and rotate.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/02/2014 12:32

Oh,chippers I can afford to stay at home, if that was what "be there for them" means to you.

I choose not to. I choose to go to work.
Funnily enough they have reached the ages of 16,15 and 10 without any problems. Maybe because both DH and I are "there for them"

Motherhood does not actually require a person to tether their baby to them and never do anything except "be a mother" you know.
You are actually allowed to be a person as well. You are allowed to want to go to work for whatever bloody reason you choose.

Thurlow · 18/02/2014 12:32

I imagine posters like chipper spend their time trawling just for threads like this Grin

OP, it will be fine. And please don't feel that as a mother you have to explain why you are going back to work. If you want to, you want to. It's fine.

DP and I both worked f/t from when DD was 8mo. Personally I preferred a childminder when she was that little, but that's entirely down to you, as long as you are happy with the childcare you have chosen.

We don't have a cleaner but have budgeted for an annual spring clean. We keep on top of the cleaning(ish) but the £150 to have someone spend the day scrubbing and bleaching and finding every little cobweb is a godsend, and cheaper than a regular cleaner.

Evenings I do a set amount of cleaning and tidying but don't go overboard our windows are a disgrace and make sure we have time to ourselves too. Organisation is the key, getting things ready the night before etc. However I'd rather have a long working week and be more relaxed at the weekend with DD because I've got things done.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/02/2014 12:34

OP, it is up to you what you choose to do, for some people a career is important for others their children come along and they lose career out of choice.
You have to do whats right for you.
Wild horses wouldn't have made me send dc to nurseries and I am strongly against out sourcing childcare, for my dc.
What does it matter what others think?

ksrwr · 18/02/2014 12:34

chippers that is a really strange comment. i actually think i'm doing my dd a great service sending her to nursery to learn and experience things she'd never have staying at home with me.

MomentOfTruth · 18/02/2014 12:35

I went back to work full time with both of mine when they were about 5 months old.
They are absolutely fine and they don't hate me :)
Even dc2 who was fully bfed and refused to take a bottle was OK!

Re housework you will need to find a new routine but it will have to involve your DH if you don't want to run yourself down.
During the week, we ensure that the kitchen is always clean and do as many washing as we can.
The rest is left for the weekend but you will have less to do as there will be no one at home during the week. Less to tidy!

Oh and forget about all those that make comments about WOHM not being good enough. If that's what is working for them, then good for them but you need to find what works for you and your family and SAHM isn't what it is. And I promise that your dc will be absolutely fine :)

ReallyTired · 18/02/2014 12:37

"why do people have kids if they cant afford to be there for them?"

If your child is in full time nursery then they are away from you for roughly 50 hours a week at most. You still have 118 hours a week with your child.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 18/02/2014 12:38

OP, the best advice anyone ever gave me was be organised.
So, clothes and bag ready the night before etc so mornings aren't too hectic.

I do a 20 minute tidy up before I go to bed, so the house is relatively tidy when I get up.

Make sure you have a pick up drop off rota if that's possible with your DH.
Work out how you will cover sickness, for example I get more emergency parental leave than DH but he is able to take a days paid holiday at an hours notice so we split up days when someone had to be at home.

And above all, grow a thick skin. Because apparently it is preferable to not be able to afford heat and food rather than use full time childcare.

Ignore those comments. You will be fine. Your DC will be fine. As long as your family is ok, whatever anyone else says is irelevant

MrsOakenshield · 18/02/2014 12:39

I would perhaps investigate a childminder or nanny (or nanny-share) - personally I think 6 months is a bit wee to be at nursery - but I don't think it's too young for her to be in daycare. You are giving her stability amongst many other things - sounds pretty good to me!

justmuddlingalongsomehow · 18/02/2014 12:39

I had no choice - children are fine!

Pootles2010 · 18/02/2014 12:39

DS is 3 now, been in nursery since 8 months, he has always loved it and still does.

The key is getting a brilliant nursery - have you started looking? Word of mouth is very helpful.

Don't worry too much about housework, you'll have less to do because you won't be there all day. Agree with Thurlow re getting stuff done on a night - its key to have your weekends free to do nice stuff with ds I find, rather than fobbing him off because i'm cleaning iyswim.

Oh and online shopping is great, especially if you have time on a lunch break - it saves you trudging round a supermarket on a weekend, which helps enormously.

FuckingWankwings · 18/02/2014 12:40

Do what suits you and/or what you need to do.

Enjoy your job and appreciate the 'adult time' it gives you.

Enjoy the time you have with your child.

Bugger the housework.

Ignore fuckwits like chippers

Thanks
Frusso · 18/02/2014 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 12:41

I wasn't compelled to work,chose to. Chose ft nursery because suited us

MomentOfTruth · 18/02/2014 12:43

Btw I would fully recommend planning meals so you don't have to think about what to cook when you come back home from work.

If poss, try and split the drop off and pick ups at nursery with your DH.

Have a routine, esp in the am. It makes things a hell of a lot easier.