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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send my 6 month old dd to full time nursery

203 replies

bluebeanie · 18/02/2014 11:42

I'm heading back to work soon. Mat leave has gone far too quickly.

We don't have any family nearby for any help. She's formula fed, so no problem there. We really need two wages coming in. My mat leave was a very generous 6 months full pay. Our combined incomes will just cover all bills, some savings and the childcare. Plus, it is a critical time in both our careers.

The closer I get to the end, the more guilty I feel. I get the feeling many people think this is too young. I've been given the look of horror by several friends and family members.

Have any other mums got experience of this? How do you fit housework etc in? We probably can't afford a cleaner. I guess I just need some positive stories please. Will she hate me?Sad

OP posts:
RafflesWay · 18/02/2014 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMillament · 18/02/2014 12:47

The thing you need to learn, OP, is that once you have children any and every decision you make regarding them is subject to a running critique from everyone you have ever met from your MIL to the old biddy on the bus and strangers on an internet forum. Whether you have a fulltime job or are a SAHM (I've been both) there will be some people only too ready to make you feel bad about your choices. Fuck 'em.
FWIW my DD1 went to nursery fulltime from 4 months. She was very happy. She is 17 now, well-adjusted, academically successful and very loving to her poor old Ma. So are her siblings who were looked after by a nanny, a childminder and me, respectively. Childcare-wise, I've trialled the lot and it makes not a blind bit of difference to who they've turned out to be as people.
But definitely, as others have said, work out a fair rota between you and DH for sick days. I couldn't afford a cleaner either btw, but as others have said, just lower your standards and do a weekly blitz on a Saturday morning. That's how I've been getting by for 17years!

canyourearme · 18/02/2014 12:47

If you neec to, you need to.

HappyMummyOfOne · 18/02/2014 12:48

She wont hate you, she wont remember for a start. Can you remember anything from your baby or toddler years?

Ignore Chippers, either she is fully on benefits or has a partner that goes to work but its different for men Hmm

Your daughter will be proud to have a mum show her a great work ethic, who works hard to pay for her every need and shows her you can be a mum and have a career rather than not work and rely on others.

monicalewinski · 18/02/2014 12:49

My eldest went to ft childminder from 5 months, my youngest went to ft nursery from 6 months - over the years (due to moving areas through work) both my children have used various childcare provisions and they have been happy at each one.

I personally think it's less stress for them starting at 6 months rather than when older. I couldn't afford cleaner etc back then, so all housework was done on a Saturday morning by me and husband - ruthless efficiency is the way to cope with everything! Sickness is the curveball, you need to discuss with your husband how you will deal with that as it is inevitable. We had no family etc to help either, but tbh we didn't miss it - you just get on with it all because you have to, what you've never had, you'll never miss.

As for not being able to afford to look after my children myself chipper, I could - I chose to remain in ft employment, as did my husband. (Hth).

Fairylea · 18/02/2014 12:53

Please don't feel guilty. As long as your nursery is great all will be fine.

I went back to work when dd was 4 months old (I had to, single mum needing money when tax credits weren't around etc) . She is now a very sociable and happy pre teen who is in the top groups in everything at school.

Things have changed for me now and I am now a sahm to ds 19 months but I frequently wonder if he'd do better at nursery a few days a week as I'm sure dd was doing more exciting things there than I am with ds!

Don't feel bad.

fs2013 · 18/02/2014 12:54

Feeling bad about it is normal, it's a big deal to go back to work after being at home with baby. Do what you need and want to do, your baby will be fine, in fact 6 months is better than an older baby because they won't be at a clingy stage in their development. As for a child hating it's mother..no way! I hope you manage this period well, it is hard but you got to be strong and do what's right x

thonah · 18/02/2014 12:55

I only work 4 days, but it's nearly full time! Some really sensible advice on here - cleaner - if there's anyway you can afford it, it's really worth it! I'd also say if you are both fulltime it's essential that you share drop offs/ pick ups - I couldn't cope with being tied at both ends of the day!! Also try to fit something in in the evening ocassionally - a class/ gym trip etc - maybe something to aim for if you're still having disturbed nights. We usually sit down on a Sunday and co-ordinate diaries for the week! Our children are older now though and after school activities anr the bane of my life - so much simpler when they were at nursery!!

SnowBells · 18/02/2014 12:55

If I am successful at TTC, I'll be back to work much, much earlier than you. So no, YANBU.

thonah · 18/02/2014 12:57

Forgot to say - 6 months is perfect nursery starting age - not too clingy yet and just to say again - Don't do guilt!!!

Writerwannabe83 · 18/02/2014 13:02

I was planning on taking a year off for ML but the more I think about it the more I worry that sending a baby that age to a CM may cause much more stress to him than if I sent him when he was aged 9 months for example. It's a tricky one. Don't feel guilty OP you are doing what needs to be done for your family and your baby will be absolutely fine Smile

ShatzePage · 18/02/2014 13:03

Did your klaxon go off happymummy?

Yanbu op-if you feel that this is the best for your family then you should absolutely do it. It would'nt be right for me but horses for courses.

Lottapianos · 18/02/2014 13:04

No-one gets all up in arms about fathers going back to work after becoming a parent, whether it's after 2 weeks or 2 minutes! Agree with others - try to ignore all unhelpful comments and just avoid getting drawn into a discussion about it. You're going back to work because you have to and that's that.

Tiredemma · 18/02/2014 13:05

I should add though- if I am entirely honest, even if I could really afford to stay at home, I doubt I would- I love my job too much.

Ragwort · 18/02/2014 13:07

Don't let other people judge your decisions.

People have looked at me in horror because I didn't return to work .

Pigsmummy · 18/02/2014 13:09

Your baby will be fine, my sister put her youngest (and prem) baby in FT nursery at 6 months and he is a lovely strapping young man. Lots of people will come along and agree having done the same or even younger.

However to make you feel better could you start off with 2/3 days nursery and do a couple of days with a CM or Nanny? I do a combo of nursery and nanny. I like that baby gets time at home rather than out of the home 5 days but gets the nursery experience, CM and Nannies accept child care vouchers too so might not be much more expensive?

Abstractingplay · 18/02/2014 13:12

Make sure you find an excellent nursery or childminder. A place you really feel comfortable with and which comes recommended. Is it possible for your baby to continue rooming in with you or would that mean no sleep for all involved? If she continues to shAre a room with you for a while you might feel like you are spending more time together being 'close'.

Good luck! Flowers

Essiebee · 18/02/2014 13:16

Yes you are right to feel guilty. Go back part time for another six months, see how she settles, and how you feel; you might actually miss her; she is the most important thing in the equation, not maintaining your standard of living. She needs you, not savings in the bank.

5Foot5 · 18/02/2014 13:17

I put DD in nursery at 7 months and went back to work 4 days a week.

Guess what - she settled in really well and has grown up happy, well-adjusted and normal! If anything I would suggest that children who have been at nursery find the eventual transition to school much, much easier since they are well socialised and used to fitting in with a group.

Make sure you are really happy with and have confidence in the nursery you have chosen. We had recommendations from two lots of friends who had used ours and I went round to have a good look and also had DD in for a taster session before I actually went back to work.

I did have a cleaner and an ironing lady (sorry about that!) mainly because I wanted to make sure that on my day off I could spend as much time as possible with DD and not catching up on chores.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/02/2014 13:18

She probably needs clothes, food, warmth, a roof over her head etc though essiebee - and strangely enough, in some households, they can only be paid for when both parents work......

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 13:20

No maternal guilt is a societal yoke imposed on women.its not a given and you don't need be guilty
No housewife feels guilty her employed dp works ft,not seeing they beneficiary
You'll be a good role model,working and demonstrating female participation as opposed to financial dependence on a man

teenagetantrums · 18/02/2014 13:23

I went back when my oldest was 12 weeks and youngest 16 weeks, was years ago and maternity was only for the first few weeks, I couldn't afford to stay at home, both mine are teenagers now and neither hate me (unless im saying no you cant go out tonight Smile To be honest I think it is easier to go back when they are younger, they adapt really easily they younger they are.

5Foot5 · 18/02/2014 13:24

Essiebee "you might actually miss her"

What a profoundly stupid thing to say. Of course the OP will miss her. The first few weeks after going back to work are much harder for the mother than the baby because she will miss her very much.

"She needs you" - she needs someone kind and competent to look after her and that is what she will be getting. But if it is a good nursery then the DC will not only not suffer by it she will probably benefit an enormous amount by the extra stimulation of being around other babies and toddlers.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 13:24

Baby isn't most important part equation.at all.being happy and solvent are important
Being all pwecious moments doesn't fill a fridge,or pay housing.its vapid sentiment
So no don't feel guilt op.and do compartmentalise,don't discuss this at work just get on with it

FuckingWankwings · 18/02/2014 13:33

Essiebee, that's just a guilt trip and the OP doesn't need it. Her child will be very well looked after. Of course she'll miss her; but if she didn't go back to work, or changed jobs for more reduced or flexible hours, she might miss her job and that part of her identity too.