to send my 6 month old dd to full time nursery

[bluebeanie]

I'm heading back to work soon. Mat leave has gone far too quickly.

We don't have any family nearby for any help. She's formula fed, so no problem there. We really need two wages coming in. My mat leave was a very generous 6 months full pay. Our combined incomes will just cover all bills, some savings and the childcare. Plus, it is a critical time in both our careers.

The closer I get to the end, the more guilty I feel. I get the feeling many people think this is too young. I've been given the look of horror by several friends and family members.

Have any other mums got experience of this? How do you fit housework etc in? We probably can't afford a cleaner. I guess I just need some positive stories please. Will she hate me?

[janey68]

Investigate all the childcare options open to you, and then pick the one that is best for your child. Ignore people who make sweeping judgements about nursery not being good for young children, because a) they don't know the specific nursery you have in mind and b) they don't know your child.

I also echo the point that 6 months is actually far easier than starting to leave a child at 9 or 12 months.

We used a cm then progressed to a fabulous nursery. I returned to work when my two were 3 and 4 months respectively...they settled quickly and contentedly.

Occasionally some people might try to make you feel bad by hinting that childcare isnt good and that your child may be unhappy or insecure. What they dont understand is that YOU as the parents know your child and pick up on their moods and demeanour. It's not like parents just stick their children in childcare and pick them up a few years later! You will know first hand how your child is settling, and as the parents you will always be the most important influential people in their life.

Our children are teenagers now and perfectly happy, clever, confident... Just ignore anyone who tries to guilt trip you about it.

[drspouse]

Another thing I meant to add was that the mornings, getting out of the house, are hard. Try and get your combined work timetable so that either one of you drops off and the other picks up, or you are both there at one end of the day. But they get easier. I even noticed the first few months (which was about 9 months up to about 13 months in our case) getting easier both in the mornings and as we came home.

DH works quite a distance away so he gets up early and uses his flexitime to start in the office early and leave early, so he's home at 6 most days. I do the morning run and then try and put off leaving the office till the last possible minute so I'm home with DS not long before DH. The first few months when he was mobile, but I couldn't turn my back on him, were hard both in the mornings (he did settle down to being OK to sit in the highchair and watch me get ready) and coming home (especially when he was tired and couldn't play nicely).

[Thurlow]

We do well with a 1 or 2 times a year deep clean, which is cheaper and more convenient for us than a regular clean. But we don't want sheets changed, ironing done etc by a regular cleaner. We can manage to keep on top of things quite easily with just a little bit of housework - it doesn't take that much time during a week to run the hoover round, wipe the surfaces, clean the bath. But you get dirty windows and limescale build up and things like that, and a good clean every 6-8 months, say, makes it easier to keep on top of the day-to-day cleaning.

It does depend on how much you'd miss the money. Around our way it would be a good £80-£100 a month to have a regular cleaner, and I just can't justify £1000 a year on keeping the house clean as that would actually be quite noticeable. I can justify £200-£400 a year on getting it deep cleaned, though.

[Tailtwister]

We used to have a cleaner every 2 weeks and it was helpful to get the ironing done and a basic clean (she did 3hrs). We now have someone else every week for 2h instead (it's a small house) and it works very well.

[KnockMeDown]

I have a cleaner every two weeks, and this works fine. It is enough to keep on top of things, and I can manage the day to day stuff.

[Sarah2506]

I'd say so. If you pay for a cleaner every so often then they will gut the place and then you can just do maintenance cleans. They clean like we don't- under things as opposed to just around them:-)

I remember the day our cleaner did her first big clean. I'd always thought the shower door had a frosted effect. Turns out it was lime scale. I'd also thought there was always a faint haze between our flat and the bus stop, possibly caused by emissions from the buses. Turns out the window was dirty. My working life is made considerably easier by the presence of Greta the cleaner and Bob the Sainsburys delivery man. I'd sack off DH before I would either of them!

[bluebeanie]

Thanks for the further sight ladies. Very much appreciated.

Can anyone tell me if a cleaner is worth it if we could only afford one say, every fortnight or month? Is a big occasional thorough clean more effective?

[drspouse]

We are unusual in that we use both CM and nursery, together.

Pros of nursery: much wider range of activities, they do themes which boosts his memory for topics and words as they are repeated through a couple of weeks. A range of other children to play with, and as it's a workplace nursery it's a bit of a social occasion for the parents at drop off! A big pro is that if a carer is sick you aren't stuffed for childcare for that day. As a workplace nursery we get a bigger tax break too so it's cheaper.

Cons of nursery: ours is very inflexible about extra days, they are basically booked up to the seams. Also inflexible on timing, and as they're at my workplace I do 95% of the nursery run. Ours also closes for longer at Christmas and Easter than the employer actually closes (and it doesn't always coincide with local schools). But those are specific to our nursery.

Pros of CM: A real family atmosphere - he's been to two, at one he is exposed to a culture not our own, which is great, and the other has a cat and child of her own, so both homely but different experiences to our own. One of the CM takes him out places he wouldn't go with nursery e.g.into town to see the Christmas lights. We can add extra days, or drop off early if we need to go out of town for a meeting. They do mainly give whatever meals you ask for. We are hoping there will eventually be continuity of care with school pick ups (I'm not sure if it will be the same CM all the way through but maybe the same one from say 4yo to year 2). Both the CM we've used can give more individual attention, but that's because neither of them work at capacity. It's quieter for napping, meaning DS gets a good nap that day and a week of childcare is less tiring overall.

Cons of CM: Disaster if something happens in her family. Our regular CM had a family illness and took 2 weeks off, which was only 2 days of our care, but that still meant I had to leave DS with a friend he doesn't know for an afternoon as I had a presentation to give, then spend the rest of the week frantically ringing round to find CM no 2. I also feel it's a bit less stimulating as there tends to be more telly or quiet playing at home, and less learning from other children. This can be a pro too but I would not want either of our CM as a full time solution.

[JumpJockey]

Both my dds went to nursery full time when I went back to work, dd1 at 11 months and dd2 with a gradual introduction from about 9mo (we were paying for the place anyway to keep it secure) and ft at 11 mo.

The dds both have a wonderful time, get to do so much stuff I would never even think of, have a great group of automatic friends that they see every day (much closer than they would be just seeing them twice a week at playgroup) tothe extent that when dd1 had her 5th birthday party the first people she wanted to invite were nursery friends, not her new school classmates.

I found the 'settling in' very hard because they were both at a bad age for separation anxiety, so starting your dd earlier should miss the worst of this.

The other factor in favour of nursery over childminder (for us) was the number of adults there - if a child is having a funny day and doesn't feel like playing with their key carer, there are other people around to play with instead. That's not the case in a childminder environment.

[georgesdino]

I think the earlier they start the easier it is. They just fit in, and if they start early until school they always seem to be the confident, outgoing ones imo. Ive worked in nurseries for years, and think 6 mths is way better than 1 year +

[mrscog]

YY paristoberlin I'm very pro nursery, but I have to remind myself that I am extremely lucky to have found what really is outstanding, cosy homely nursery provision for DS - I rejected a couple which didn't have the same feeling. Plus he was 12 months so again, different considerations to 6 months.

[fromparistoberlin]

as OP is asking......

it depends on the Nursery obviously, but I am not 100% a fan of them for a full time care. I wont go into the reasons why.

IF you can , look into childminders or Nanny share as I think they provide a more loving 1:1 environment for a small baby.

that said if you find the right place, go for it but do have an open mind and accept that you might need to change/adjust course, and iof you do, thats actually quite normal.

I am not guilt tripping anyone, but if my friend asked me this is what I advise

ps I went back to work FT when both mine were 6 months x

[Writerwannabe83]

In my situation I only work 30 hours a week anyway and me and DH did consider me cutting that down further to 22.5 hours and it was our plan for quite some time. However, when we looked at all the sums we'd be £200 worse off a month if I did that and that's quite a substantial sum to us so it's likely I will continue with my 30 hours. I would worry that once I've cut down my hours I won't be able to increase them again and I don't want to be in that position if we find we struggle more financially than we anticipate.

It means baby will be in childcare for 4 days a week (from 08.30-5pm) which does sadden me a little but I know there is no other option so I don't allow myself to feel guilty. The initial plan was for me to return to work when baby is 1 but it's more likely I'll go back when he is 9-10 months old. We have opted to use a childminder though for the reasons that have been previously mentioned - I just feel being in a home environment and having more 1:1 care is more suitable than a nursery when a baby is so young.

[winterlace]

But if you already know flexible working won't work for you there's no point in dozens of posts saying 'go part time.'

[waterrat]

Yes my point is more about the general move towards Higher cost of living that means both parents have to work long hours than a criticism of childcare for young children.

I loved going back to work and have no desire to be a sham but on a wider point about society I think the ideal would be parents both working part time.

Work is important and valuable to many adults - but a more balanced society would allow people to balance that with more enjoyment of life!

And the reason this thread surprised me is just because very few voices are saying that it is not ideal to leave a six month old full time - I would have thought that if parents are only working ft because they have to then there might hav been more responses suggesting she try to find a flexible work arrangement

[morethanpotatoprints]

Waterrat

I know where you are coming from, but we are all different.
I too find it sad that both parents working has become the norm, but that is life.
To me it was sahm and nothing else and we had to cut our cloth accordingly, to me it was a no brainer.
I have friends who couldn't cope being a sahp, openly admit they don't want to and go to work. I have other friends who have family to mind their dc, are able to make a profit from working and need to work.
I have other friends who don't make any profit from work who convince themselves they have to work and have no choice, this works for them.
We are all different.

[winterlace]

Waterrat, I think the point is that firstly people have children but still need to keep paying the mortgage and bills. I'd spend all day every day with DD if I could but I can't.

However, others may well decide they want to continue working full time for no other reason than because they do. To an extent I can see this. We live in a 2 bed flat - no garden - in a city and if I was at home all the time (let's say we didn't have massive debts!) we'd still be broke and our days would be spent admiring the sparkles from the smashed glass in the park! As it is DD will get stimulation from a good nursery.

After our childminder I would never leave a DC of mine with one again but that's a personal choice - like yours is.

[waterrat]

I'm not criticising parents that have todo it - and btw this is an open discussion so presumably all views are useful to the op - it's just that most people who are on this thread are saying that it is fine and they don't think it matters when you leave them or for how long. Which I think is untrue - possibly more from the parents point of view than the child's

Re childminders and accountability - I would rather have a relationship with one adult I trust with my child than an institutional setting with several different people who need to be trusted. Surely that is more likely to carry a risk.

[winterlace]

Some of us work in jobs where part time isn't an option.

I don't know why it is trotted out so much as the saviour of working parents!

The reason I don't want DD going to a childminder is because it is one adult figure - accountable to no one.

[waterrat]

Also - ds is 2 now and I love my days with him just as I love work - I think he needs me and my input - I'm his mother! I work two sometimes 3 days a week and would genuinely be devastated if I had to work full time.

I don't think children suffer from full time childcare if its good care but I don't think it's ideal for anyone - parent or child

[waterrat]

Wow I find this thread really surprising - I am very pro childcare and have worked part time since ds was 7 months - but I don't think it is at all ideal for a 6 month old to be in nursery full time. I think a parent working part time is always preferable - realistically you will hardly see your child and six months is tiny. I think it's sad that so many people have to do this - and that it is considered so normal

Btw - I choose a childminder not just because of the home environment but because there is one adult figure for ds to bond with - like being left with a loving auntie. I adore our cm she is a second family to ds - I saw several nurseries and felt it was over stimulating and confusing for a baby r young toddler.

Surely it is ideal if parents can be there at least a couple of days a week between them so childcare is not that babies main environment in the week?

[winterlace]

It's strange as to me DD has a home here that no one could replace!

Mind you our childminder wasn't very homely!

[Joiningthegang]

Dd went to full time nursery at 6m and she was fine and loved it

Ds went part time from 15months and cried every single time I left him for 6months


Other ds went part time from 9months - guess what, he was fine too