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Original poster

To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

502 replies

bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 08:38

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 11:10

Christ alive silvery how did you get to be so reliant on him,so flat
Get some self respect,get fuckin angry that he's stringing you along
Your resigned stance is alarming,och nothing,no savings. Wakey wakey

Original poster
bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 11:12

Oops obviously should read child!

OP posts:
tobiasfunke · 18/02/2014 11:12

If he was joking around about getting married at the beginning OP then it's not that he has any major objections to getting married. I'm sorry but now he is refusing he is basically hedging his bets in case something better comes along in the future. You had every reason to believe he would marry you and now it appears you've been sold a pup.

It's a hard place to be- if you badger him, he and you will always think you made him marry you against his will. If you don't get married you are in limbo land where you're emotional security is non existent.
The only way you could do it is if you could change your DS's name to yours alone as you want to share a name with your child and he won't get married and give you his. Is that possible? It smacks a bit of blackmail but I don't see what other choice you have.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 11:12

I'm not anxious about anyone unmarried,that's their personal choice.their lookout
If you want complete legal protection,get married.dont cohabitate
But no adult needs feel anxious about anyone else who cohabits

SilveryMoon · 18/02/2014 11:14

Sorry for hi-jacking bella

schroedingersdodo · 18/02/2014 11:14

Silvery since he is stringing you along, why don't you just act a bit more forceful? You can arrange a day and go with him to the registrar and ask for a new marriage certificate. Then you can go with him to file for divorce. It's not the ideal situation (he should do it by himself) but that's what I would do in your situation. At least you would put yourself in a more secure situation.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 11:15

You need your own thread silvery,preferable in legal section

TwittyMcTwitterson · 18/02/2014 11:17

After thought I knew exactly what you meant. Makes sense.

Silvery, you are in a dangerous situation... If anything were to happen . How much do divorces cost? I would offer to pay for peace of mind. After 9 years I imagine they have no hard feelings about screwing the other one over. And financially if they were that bothered then surely that would have been sorted a long time ago? He's not cheating. It's bad but it's not the end of everything xx

eightandthreequarters · 18/02/2014 11:17

I think he is treating you very poorly, not because he won't marry you (there could be a thousand valid reasons for that, and marriage is not for everyone) but because he has refused to talk to you about it honestly and openly. He is ignoring and refusing to discuss an issue of great importance to you. I think that is the sign of a relationship in trouble.

I'm sorry, but I think it would be foolish to change your name to his under these circumstances. That's the least of your problems, and I'd leave the name issue to one side for a while.

First he needs to sit down and discuss this with you calmly, talk it through. Marriage has very real benefits for you legally and financially in the event that he leaves you or dies. The same applies to him, should you walk out or die.

And someone upthread mentioned working part-time - I would seriously reconsider that, too. It may work out in your situation (possibly you earn more money PT than he does FT, and have a well-established career), but be careful there.

amicissimma · 18/02/2014 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 18/02/2014 11:21

He doesn't want to marry anyone Its not just you. I am the same but agree with those who say you need to get your finances in order and that goes for any woman or man. Financial independence is only sensible

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 11:22

We aren't in your world.we are online.op isn't bring you a problem.she discussing with massed group

sugarandspite · 18/02/2014 11:22

Just to flag up to the OP and those posters considering staying co-habiting but unmarried.

There has been quite a lot of talk on this thread about 'sorting out the legal side' as an alternative to marriage.

However when this was discussed in some detail in a thread on here a few months ago (sorry can't find thread) it was made clear by the legal bods on the thread two significant things:

  1. Not everything that you get from marriage can be replicated through legal process - I think the main one was inheritance tax (as mentioned above) and there were a couple of others including widowed parent allowances and access to deceased spouse's pension etc.
  1. A registry office marriage costs about £100 (I think). To put in place as much legal cover as you can for the same result will cost a minimum of around £1,700 and possibly much more. And would be considerably more costly in terms of time and effort too.
SilveryMoon · 18/02/2014 11:23

He's just now been on the phone to find out about getting a copy of the certificate. He's been told to write a letter requesting one at the cost of £10 or if he goes to the office (which is in another part of the country) then that's £25.
He is unbelievable and just said he can't write a letter because our printer doesn't work. See, excuses because he can't be bothered.
Maybe I will start a thread in legal. Thanks everyone, and bella, again, sorry to hijack.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 11:25

I don't think anyone has said cohabitate can replicate the legal scope of marriage
I agree if one wants the legal benefits of marriage get married.cohabitate isn't comparable
A sizeable amount adults cohabit,chosing not too marry.that's available too

Wantsunshine · 18/02/2014 11:31

Why would he marry you. He doesn't have to and you are even willing to change your name to his so he doesn't have to do anything. You have made everything too easy for him.

IdaClair · 18/02/2014 11:32

I cohabit, with children and choose not to marry.

I have yet to find anything financial about my situation that worries me.

I find lots of things worrisome about the idea of marriage. Some financial, some not.

DebbieOfMaddox · 18/02/2014 11:35

You can request the certificate online, Silvery, right here -- don't even need to write a letter.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 18/02/2014 11:36

Silvery - please don't assume that he still has the will you know about. He could very easily have changed it and you would have no idea.

I am always amazed that people living with someone who refuses to marry them trusts that they won't just change the will behind their backs. No one can divorce you without you knowing, but wills, POAs and Expressions of Wishes for pensions and life assurance are changed with no reference to the former beneficiaries.

Original poster
bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 11:39

Don't worry silverymoon I hope everything works out for you.

I think dp and I will need to have a proper chat about what he wants to happen and if it's because he thinks we need a ceremony (which I'm ok without)

Dp is from a country where a wife doesn't take the husbands name so I didn't think it was an issue in deciding whether to marry for him. Maybe I'm wrong in going to stick with my name for the time being anyway.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 11:42

Actually do worry Silverymoon.nows not time for platitudes
Op why is the discussion what your dp wants. It's a collaborative discussion
What's your position if he continue say no to marrying you op?

DebbieOfMaddox · 18/02/2014 11:43

I think bellabella meant "don't worry about hijacking my thread" which is what Silvery had just apologised to her for.

MeadowHeartshimmertheFairy · 18/02/2014 11:44

Silvery I got divorced early last year. As XH didn't contest in the end it was only court fees of approx £360 (also had to pay for my solicitor but that was because he was being a fuckwit at the beginning). A friend of mine divorced her first husband from whom she'd been amicably separated for over 5yrs = £360 total.

Also had to get a copy of my marriage certificate. Did it online £10 plus P&P

You're worth more respect and honesty than he's showing over this.

On the other hand, I had a friend who had been with her husband for 20+yrs, he had a first wife who he claimed it would be too costly to divorce. She hang on and eventually he divorced his first wife and is now married to my friend. I think, knowing them both, he wasn't 100% in the early years and was reluctant to get married again at all (I can relate to the reluctance to get married again!). However, he loved my friend very much, knew how important it was to her and basically pulled his finger out and did the decent thing, which was to make a commitment to the woman he loved that afforded her financial, legal and emotional security.

noddyholder · 18/02/2014 11:48

I don't have any concerns about splitting with my partner of 23 years and what that would mean for me financially. Because I know what it would mean and nothing would change. You dp has a duty to his child not to you. DO you think he is worrying about what would happen if you split? I doubt it. I do agree that the father has a duty as does the mother to support and nurture his dc until they are 18 but after that the notion that the man has to support an ex wife seems very odd to me. We have comprehensive wills and there is a document you can sign via your GP to formalise your partners role should you become ill.

SilveryMoon · 18/02/2014 11:49

Thanks for the link Debbie We've just done it.
I completely trust dp, he is not sneaky or anything like that, he is just lazy and can't be bothered with anything.
I do believe that he just doesn't think about it being an issue rather than wanting to secure mine and the children's future. We're not going to split up and he's unlikely to die young, so there's been no need.
But have just ordered a copy of the certificate which will be dispatched in 15 days and then take it from there.
I will give him £360 for the divorce next month.