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Original poster

To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

502 replies

bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 08:38

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 09:43

or else of jolly well making sure that the man at least hands over some of the marriage deal, ie his name, even if he wont get married. Therefore , to be honest, possibly controlling.

Hmm

She wants to share the same name as her CHILD.

That is her right and nobody can stop her changing her name to her CHILD's name.

Obviously, she should never have agreed to give the child a name she didn't share. But like many women, she mistakenly presumed that in the end it would be her name too.

As for "handing over his name" being part of the marriage deal? :o

And it being "controlling" to not just sit around waiting for the proposal?

What a load of old bullshit.

If she wants to share a name with her child, that's up to her. And nobody else gets a say.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 18/02/2014 09:46

Joinyourplayfellows, wouldn't the best way to rectify that then to be hyphenate her child's name? Also if op's partner isn't willing to commit she will end up with someone else eventually and potentially have children with that person.

Will she then change her name again? Or not have the same name as her children?

sebsmummy1 · 18/02/2014 09:48

I thought it was perfectly possible to change your child's surname or am I wrong?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 09:48

wouldn't the best way to rectify that then to be hyphenate her child's name?

She can only do that if her DP agrees.

If she has more children in the future, she can give them all the surname of her first child.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 09:49

Well you've got your answer.no marriage.you can't compel him,he's got valid opinion too
Change name if you want that is easy. Getting him to marry you,well he's said no,not easy
If you're happy overall that's your compromise.have you sorted will,nok,home ownership

bochead · 18/02/2014 09:50

this happened 20 years ago, so various laws have changed slightly but has stuck with me

two days after my favorite aunt and best friend died of cancer leaving behind a 10, 9 and 7 year old there was an unexpected knock at the front door.

It was a nice lady from SS who very politely but firmly demanded to know what the care arrangements for the children were. We bumbled through a few drawers and pulled out my Uncles marriage certificate. The attitude of the jobsworths did a total 180 turn and they said that they were sorry for my Uncle's loss blah, blah, blah. I then smiled sweetly and showed them the door.

What would have happened to those children, and whether or not they would have been allowed to stay with their loving father if we hadn't had the desired paperwork to hand, we've never asked, but often wondered in quiet moments. At the time we were too upset to ask any bolshy questions.

As a single parent I have the paperwork for what is to happen to my child in the event of my incapacitation or death in terms of guardianship etc logged with family.

Your married/legal status matters a LOT in an emergency. It's a very important piece of paper in all cultures. From who is your next of kin, for medical matters to who gets custody of the child you have together. At the moment your parents, not your partner decide to turn off the life support machine. Women don't just get screwed over property wise when a relationship breaks down without the protection of marriage, there are benefits for men too.

The security of your child is far more important than notions of romance. Do make it a priority to clear up all the legal matters that marriage covers if he won't marry you, so that you and your child are properly protected.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 18/02/2014 09:51

^If she has more children in the future, she can give them all the surname of her first child.
Saved!^

I can't see a future partner being OK with her giving their children a previous partner's name.

Wantsunshine · 18/02/2014 09:52

Op really don't change your name is he even ok about you doing this or has he offered this crumb as a compromise?
Make sure you have finances legally sorted if you live together or if you are staying at home looking after your child rather than working.

It seems like it has just got past the point of him seeing the need to marry you. I wonder if you do break up if he does go on to marry someone else. I have heard that happen a lot.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 09:53

I can't see a future partner being OK with her giving their children a previous partner's name.

Maybe she should marry someone who isn't a giant child, then?

Why would any adult have a problem with a mother giving all of her children the same name?

Which is HER name too? (not a PREVIOUS PARTNER's name, but HER name, you know being that women are allowed to have names too.)

TwittyMcTwitterson · 18/02/2014 09:55

You guys are making me nervous... Shock

Original poster
bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 09:56

Thanks for your responses. In answer to a few questions we are renting currently and both our names are on the tenancy. Dp works ft and I work pt and look after our ds. Car is in my name and dp pays bills and I payfor food.

I want to change my name to have the same name as my son. How is that controlling?! I understand a lot of women want to keep their surname but if like us all to have the same name as a family.

I'm also worried about the legal aspect as currently his next of kin are in another County so if the worst happened I couldn't help with any of those aspects.

I'm obviously not going to make him do something he doesn't want to I think I want to know why.

OP posts:
itispersonal · 18/02/2014 09:57

My Dp isn't bothered about getting married (to anyone). Although he has said he does want us to be together forever ... And if it meant more to me to get married than it does for him not too be married then we would get married romantic I know though to be fair I am not that bothered about the notion of gettin married.

A wedding certificate doesn't make a relationship secure, however I would sort out the legal side of wills, pensions, the house etc.

Original poster
bellabella10 · 18/02/2014 09:57

Dp had we said he's more than happy with me taking his name. He calls me his wife but I said it's not the same. We could just go to registry office workout a ceremony.

OP posts:
Tommy · 18/02/2014 09:58

it's not just a piece of paper and nice day

one of the things that I like about being married is the fact that it is very clear (to the point that we declared it in front lots of witnesses) what it is exactly that we are both committed to.

AND There is a poster on MN whose partner died very suddenly and had had an awful time trying to to work out wills etc. Being married puts all that into a legal framework as well.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 09:58

Medical nok is really easy to sort a partner can be medical nok.nok card unmarried
Medical nok isn't solely family,you can nominate partner Tell gp of preference in writing
Get wills,sort out finances and home ownership.become joint tenant regard property

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 09:59

Stop working part time.

Seriously.

That is a decision a wife can make.

Not a girlfriend.

sebsmummy1 · 18/02/2014 10:00

Joinyourplay the point is that his name is NOT her name. She is planning on changing 'her' name to his name so she can have a sense of family.

scottishmummy · 18/02/2014 10:00

Bella he can nominate you now as his nok,he can tell gp it get recorded
You don't need to be married to be his medical nok. Ask if he'll nominate you
You if you wish nominate him too as your medical nok

TwittyMcTwitterson · 18/02/2014 10:01

If anything happens to me DP automatically gets custody surely? He's on birth cert!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/02/2014 10:02

Joinyourplay the point is that his name is NOT her name. She is planning on changing 'her' name to his name so she can have a sense of family.

If she changed her name by deed poll then that name would be HER name.

The name a woman uses is HER name, it's not just a man's name she's allowed to borrow if he says so.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 18/02/2014 10:02

joinyourplayfellows

You can't pretend that a woman take on a male partner's name she is taking on his name. It's disingenuous to ignore all previous history where she was becoming his property. I say that as someone who did take their dh's name, but you know I'm honest enough to realize that.

If a woman keeps her birth name I would argue she is keeping her name not her dad's which some people would say.

If dh had taken on a previous girlfriends name. not even his wife.. just a girl friend..but then decided he wanted our children to have that name I'd think he had lost the plot. Maybe that makes me a giant child but I wouldn't let it happen in a million fucking years and I suspect I am no where near alone in that.

flowery · 18/02/2014 10:03

If he's happy with you taking his name and calls you his wife what exactly is his objection?

sebsmummy1 · 18/02/2014 10:04

I could legally change my name to arsebiscuits o'conner but it would never be my given family name.

MrsOakenshield · 18/02/2014 10:04

although we had been together for 10 years and had DD when we got married, it did make a difference - I can't put my finger on it, but it did. So I can understand how you feel. We just had a small ceremony, and people round to our house after. We wanted to be married - the actual getting married bit was neither here nor there, really, though it was a lovely day! And from a legal point of view it's not great, unless you make joint wills - neither of you is the other's next-of-kin.

Don't really know what to suggest though.

divisionbyzero · 18/02/2014 10:05

Thanks to some generations of extremely selfish people, marriage to a lot of us meant nothing but lies and pain until we reached adulthood and thought about doing it ourselves. To some it is a curse, a blight on the family that is best just left alone, something which has been warped into a meaningless expression of selfish adults' wish to indulge themselves in childish romance and a quest for personal gratification, rather than a consolidation and declaration of love for each other for a life of sacrifice and family. In short, it is not the same benchmark for everyone these days.

You already have children together, I would think about whether he is committed to you and staying, rather than whether he wants to lay the label of marriage on your family, it may be that he is totally and utterly committed to you.