To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yes I agree that ppl should talk about these things.
But partners are not always clear about their wishes and intentions. And it's an easier conversation when you're both able to be honest about things and have similar views.
Some people have reservations about marriage because they fear commitment, and sometimes ppl are scared of the financial outlay or the public event, or the tradition. And sometimes ppl take a long time to make considered decisions, or might even change their mind.
So if you a fortunate enough to be with someone who is either like- minded, or extraordinarily transparent about thir wishes, that is a real advantage. But in many relationships that's not the case. And it would be very hard to leave an otherwise decent partner because you've not been able to have a businesslike discussion about nuptial arrangements.

[scottishmummy]

No don't raise marriage at start,but when it's serious and if you're cohabitants have that discussion
The big discussion,where's it going.views on kids,marriage,work,money etc
Career us important to me,I wouldn't have stayed home we had that discussion. We didn't want to marry we also had that discussion

There are points in relationships were it us appropriate to have big discussion
First few date,no. Becoming Cohabitants,yes
Discuss finances,expectations,view on marriage

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I think it's tricky to bring up the subject of marriage at the start of a relationship without coming on a bit strong tbh.
It's not really a topic for those first few dates.
"Before i waste any more time on you are you interested in marriage? Do you think you'll want to marry me?"
Besides, OP seems under the impression that it was on his radar because they had joked about it together.

I suppose this is where dating agencies might be useful because you might get the chance to reveal those kinds of intentions/ interests early on.
But even then, relationships are dynamic and "believing in marriage" isn't neccessarily synonymous with wanting to marry your current GF/ bf.

[scottishmummy]

If marriage so significant bring it up,and if he's ambivalent there's your answer
Despite mn ire that men must marry their partner,no one is compelled to
So if it really meant so much dont shack up and have kids,just a-hoping he will ask

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

No. Generally ppl in the uk can't be compelled to marry.

That would've been a short thread.
"aibu to be upset that my DP doesn't want to marry me?"

"don't worry about it. Just follow these 'compel your DP to get married' instructions. Sorted"

"great. Thanks"

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

Surely the comments should relate to the topic though, not twist the op to suit your own point of view?

Topic is 'aibu to be upset dp doesn't want to marry me' not 'can I force dp to marry me'

[scottishmummy]

Vent away but expect comment,that's whole point
Like your lament your post isn't addressed to mr and mrs...yes you're unmarried
Didn't like Your partner introduces you as girlfriend valentine, well tell him

[TwittyMcTwitterson]

By the time this thread stops, OPs boyfriend will be old enough to decide he wants marriage after all...

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

You've made your own argument where there wasnt one scottish - people are allowed to be upset, mn is a place to vent.

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

Oh ffs - the op didn't say she wanted to compel him to marry her (and nor did I) she said she was upset and
asked if her upset was valid

[scottishmummy]

It's legitimate to feel upset,but you cannot compel him.so unless he change mind that's it

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

OP. YANBU to be upset.
I would feel the same, I think.
I also would feel about like bob has described about the post. I get what you mean.
Anyway, as the legal stuff has been well and truly covered on this thread I thought it was worth saying that IMHO, not wanting to marry does not neccessarily indicate a lack of commitment.
Personally, I wanted the commitment of marriage from my then DP. And that was what we did. But I know ppl who are in (what i believe to be) committed relationships who are not married and sadly one or two in shitty relationships who are married.
So. It's understandable to feel a certain way about it all. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

[scottishmummy]

Well lookey at you two all parented up like dell boy and Rodney,telling me how it is
Funny
I love all the indignant,billshit and micromanagement of thread

[LittleBearPad]

"It's mumsnet not the levenson inquiry,you don't need to make combative proclamations or demands"

Pot meet kettle.

[KristinaM]

I prefer smelling salts

[scottishmummy]

Sniff your pomander then if it's all too much

[RonaldMcDonald]

oh er, this is all a little unseemly

carry on

[scottishmummy]

Well chunder,you've made it clear my posts are bullshit and something about faces and egg
I won't furnish you with an individual explanation of all my posts
I simply refer you to previous responses,and read the thread

[Pagwatch]

This thread just keeps on giving..

[scottishmummy]

Chunder read your own posts,your increasing irritability,the bullshit comments
If your unsure of my posts,reread them.
Unmarried or married people should make informed choices,and understand ramifications

[scottishmummy]

Baited?when you lamented you don't like post that not addressed to mr and mrs
I then stated the obvious,the mail won't be addressed to mr and mrs,as you're unmarried
If you want mr and mrs mail you'll have to get married.