To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

[justtoomessy]

Do not change your last name. I did it was the worst thing I could have done and felt very stupid when he left. I wish I had never had my DS take his name tbh. You live and learn.

[motherinferior]

If your baby was born in the past few years (sorry, can't remember the date) your partner gets parental responsibility. If not, you have to sort it legally. Which is perfectly feasible.

You should have wills, nominated guardians, and so on whether or not you are married.

I am sorry you feel this way and are so upset. FWIW I would feel very unhappy if my partner started trying to force me to marry him.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

arsebiscuits o'conner

Lovely ring to it though

[Timetoask]

Are his parents married and together? Could he be scared of commitment because of family history?
Personally, I do not understand why anyone with a child (the biggest commitment on earth) would not agree to marry.
If I were you, I would work on becoming as financially independent as possible to avoid problems later on.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

The thing about children has changed: fathers got equal parental responsibility (if on birth cert) from 2001 I think.

But don't change your name, if you'd come on here 18 months ago I would have told you to give your DS your surname not his but its too late for that.

Don't jeopardise your independence, he is telling you he is not prepared to make a lifelong legal commitment to you so you shouldn't rely on him supporting you for any length of time.

Do suggest a registry office marriage with two stranger witnesses if you think he'd be amenable.

[sebsmummy1]

Mother inferior is right. As my partner was present at my sons registration in late 2012 and on the birth certificate the registrar went to great pains to inform him that if he signs the document he takes on joint parental responsibility legally.

I wonder if this is because by signing the document you are accepting legal PR even if it then turns out the child is not genetically yours? Ie you will have to pay maintenance even if the kid is your best mates ( think Jeremy Kyle).

[bellabella10]

His parents are still very happily together as are most of his family. The only thing I can see is that his family are abroad so might not make any ceremony. I asked if I'd make him happier to just go the three of us and he said'a bit'

I don't want to increase hours as I look after my son most of the day but the possibility is there to increase if I need to.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

It's disingenuous to ignore all previous history where she was becoming his property.

I'm not ignoring it.

But that's a separate issue.

If she changes her name by deed poll, then that name becomes HER name.

Legally and in every other sense.

The fact that she agreed to give her child its father's name is an issue when it comes to the history of naming and the presumption that women's names are not really important.

But what she does NOW (having made that error) is up to her and changing her name to match her child's is a valid option.

[schroedingersdodo]

Why don't you change the name of the child to yours?

[Timetoask]

My family is abroad as well (very far away!), we still got married! . Only my favourite sister managed to make it to the wedding here in England. We were lucky enough to have the funds to have a second wedding in my home country with all my family and friends there though.

I don't think you need to increase your hours just yet, but as soon as you can, take steps towards financial independence.

[motherinferior]

'Personally, I do not understand why anyone with a child (the biggest commitment on earth) would not agree to marry.'

Well, first of all having a child isn't always the result of long-term planning and calculation - some of us have kids, you know, as a spin-off of having sex and contraception failure. Just saying.

Second, it may not be something you understand but it's something many of us do feel; we just do not want to enter into that particular institution.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I don't want to increase hours as I look after my son most of the day but the possibility is there to increase if I need to.

The option is there NOW.

It may not be in the future when you have been part time for years, advancement opportunities have passed you by, and your relationship breaks down (which lots of relationships do).

Please don't rely on a man who is refusing to marry you to look after you financially.

[bellabella10]

Dp wouldn't change ds name to mine and I don't particularly want to either. That would just make more issues. Why is it such a bad thing to change my name?

[MinesAPintOfTea]

Because your DP is getting all the social benefits from appearing to be married without making the legal commitment that ensures you are protected in the event of his death or departure.

[Timetoask]

When we married I didn't change my surname (married for 12 years now and not planning on doing it ever). My children have my husband's surname, they are still my children, it does not matter one bit.

[SilveryMoon]

I'm in a similar position. Me and dp have been together for 8 years and not married. We have 2 children, who we gave dp's surname to. I changed my name by deed poll to give the children a sense of security and belonging at home, I didn't want them to be one thing and me another.
Our home is in dp's name, I have no investment or anything in it. We do have wills which name me as beneficiary to anything he may have at time of death and I am named again in his life insurance policy.
I'm not convinced this is enough, especially as he is technically still married to someone else. I wonder what she would do on his death if they weren't divorced.
It realy winds me up that he thinks it is ok to remain married to someone else. He always cites not being able to afford to get divorced, but they have been separated for at least 9 years.
I tell him I'm quite happy to go to the registry office in jeans with just a couple of witnesses, it doesn't have to be a big declarartion of love, but he needs to love me and the boys enough to do what he can to secure our future. He tells me to stop being so dramatic and it's fine because I'm named in his will.

[DuckworthLewis]

This would be a good time to remind everybody that in the UK, legally speaking there is no such thing as 'next of kin'

If a person, married or not, dies intestate, then any inheritance is divvied up according to rules of intestacy

Frankly (statistically) your DP is much more likely to leave you than to die before the age of 65, so it is this scenario that you really need to protect yourself against.

Go back to work FT and for the love of god don't change your name to his. Like a PP, I am trying to be kind about it, but you will seem desperate and pathetic.

I understand that you don't see it this way, but many other people will. They might not say it to your face, but I can guarantee they will be thinking it in private.

[afterthought]

My DP is the same. I know his main reason for not wanting marriage - he has property worth quite a lot and doesn't want to lose what he has worked for (none of it is inherited in any way). As upset as I am that he thinks we might not work out, if I was in his situation I would likely feel the same.

We don't have children yet but I will make sure we do get legal advice before we do. I'm sad that I won't have the same surname as my child (I won't give my children my surname as I don't want my children to have my dad's name).

My biggest concern is if something happens to him. At the moment, his parents are his next of kin and should we have a child, they would ensure their grandchild is ok. However, his parents are becoming elderly and DP has an estranged brother - his brother is not a nice person and would not care about any children we had (I'm not sure if DP makes a will whether this makes a difference - it isn't something I've looked into yet).

We could afford for me to give up work and become a SAHM, but I won't give up work or go part time as that is my financial security.

I also cry at weddings as it does make me sad that I'll never have that. I try to convince myself that being 'chosen' as the mother of someone's children is better than being chosen as a partner but that could just be me trying to make myself feel better!

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I try to convince myself that being 'chosen' as the mother of someone's children is better than being chosen as a partner

:(

I find the idea of being "chosen" to be the mother of a man's children horrifying.

I want to be with someone who chose me for ME, not my ability to act as an incubator for their precious spawn.

[afterthought]

Thanks for that link Duckworth - I hadn't looked into legal implications so that is an interesting read. I know I won't get anything (unless there is a will) but it is reassuring to see that children come before his brother!

[afterthought]

I maybe didn't explain myself well - chosen is probably the wrong word. I want him to want me, not just my child-rearing abilities. But, I had a partner once who as much as I loved him, I would never have wanted him to be the father of my child.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

Why is it such a bad thing to change my name?

Did you read my previous comment? Or any other poster's comments?

That's been addressed.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

I'm not convinced this is enough, especially as he is technically still married to someone else. I wonder what she would do on his death if they weren't divorced.

Oh my god, what the fuck? I am not a fan of ultimatums but if ever there were a time for an ultimatum it would be now! He has been married to someone else for 9 years and the house is in his name? Let's hope he doesn't get hit by a car tomorrow.

[scottishmummy]

Silverymoon,you're not in similar position.youre in precarious position.youre dp is married,to someone else.not you
The man you live with isn't technically still married,he is still married end of
Re:wills if he's still married then I think his wife legally trumps you

He need to get this sorted.hes still married.thats not technical that's fact

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

Very rarely agree with Scottishmummy, but seriously. She's right. He is married you are not. Sort it. Yesterday.