To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

Look, you are being fucked over here.

You are basically housemates who share a child.

However... look who's sacrificing their career potential, earning power, pension buildup in order to provide the care for that child...yup, it's you.

If he won't marry you, then you need to protect yourself (and the son that no doubt YOU will be raising if you split). Either:

• you split absolutely everything down the middle with costs PLUS he pays you half of the salary you are sacrificing by going part time, and makes provision for half of any pension rights/payments you are losing, or;

• you go back to work full time and the childcare costs are split equally.

As for your name - why on earth would you take the time and energy to give him the public appearance of having made a committment he's weaselling out of?

If you want to know why he won't marry you, sadly it's probably because he is well aware that it puts him in a far far stronger finanial position than you. He's getting his child cared for for free with no extra cost to him and the option to walk away at any time.

SilveryMoon - I am utterly gobsmacked at your situation.

So what, I tell him he divorces or I leave? Just like that? Well, actually I did that a few years ago and he said he couldn't afford it but would do it. Then time just went on and he's still married.
Now she has the marriage certificate because she was going to file a couple of years ago, but then lost it so now dp's saying that he can't do anything without the certificate etc etc it all just drags on and on and on with excuses

Well said Bruno

If he won't marry you, then you need to protect yourself (and the son that no doubt YOU will be raising if you split). Either:

- you split absolutely everything down the middle with costs PLUS he pays you half of the salary you are sacrificing by going part time, and makes provision for half of any pension rights/payments you are losing, or;

- you go back to work full time and the childcare costs are split equally.

How patronising to feel anxious.op is adult with capacity,chose to have baby and cohabit
She doesn't need strangers anxiety.like millions of women she cohabits with a baby
In comparison Silverymoon is living with man who's still married to someone else.thats precarious

So what, I tell him he divorces or I leave? Just like that?

Yes.

Or you just leave because he's a lying pisstaker.

Silvery reread your own posts your partner is stringing you along.no intention get divorced

SilveryMoon
Marriage certs. are £9.25 from the GRO index.

Silvery all your dp needs to do is get a copy of the marriage certificate from the registry office so sorry but he's making excuses. He's hiding behind his previous marriage.

I am sorry.

I cannot understand why you would use his name if he is not willing to marry you? You are compromising. I doubt it will make you feel better in the long run.

Yes he is.
I had a look at the links up thread, but that seems to be if there is no will, he has a will, is this enough or not?

There is a reason gay people care so much about marriage and it's not because they love throwing fabulous parties.

Marriage protects everyone.

You are taking a crazy risk having children without marriage.

SilvrtyMoon, even if your DP has made a will in your favour, you will still have to pay inheritance tax on assets above a certain level if he's not actually your husband. If he is your husband, you can inherit all his assets without paying IHT.

And are you actually sure he's made a will...?

SilveryMoon

but that seems to be if there is no will, he has a will, is this enough or not?

Yes, in the event of his death, the will would stand (as he hasn't died intestate). However, his wife could well challenge the will, esp if she has children.

Again, deaths before the age of 65 are actually quite rare, the thing you need to worry about is your position in the event of a split.

He is still lying to you though - do you really want to remain in the relationship?

(apologies for hijack, OP)

You can get a new copy of the marriage certificate in less than a week.

silvery the wife will be able to contest the will if anything happens to him.

I'm sorry to ask this Bella but have you met his family? Do they know of you?

Yes he has a will. We did them together and I have a copy of them. She does have children but they are not his.
So basically, this means that if we split, I get nothing. Nothing at all. So I have to stay unless I can afford to go it alone (not that I am thinking of leaving)

silvery - what is your position if he leaves you, which is more likely than him dying young.

And it's a sad day to feel anxious for a cohabiting adult.op has capacity,op chose to cohabitate
Anxiety about what?unmarried?marriage is that xenith of woman achievement
Why anxiety about unmarried,that's the patronising bit

If he leaves me? Well, I'd have nothing would I. No where to live, no savings to fall back on, nothing.

Why anxiety about unmarried

Unmarried partners have no automatic legal rights in the event of a split.

That is why people are anxious.

Yes he's from a European county and we manage to see then quite a few times every year. His parents and I don't particularly get on well but that's another thread. His sister is also cohabitating with a cold so I don't know whether that effects anything.

Silvery, you will have to pay tax (think it is 30 or 40%?), whereas if you'd inherit as a wife, you would pay no tax.

big difference!

Losing the marriage cert. is no excuse, you can get a copy within a few days, easy to do.

As to Afterthought's position: He could "protect" his house with a pre-nup. No reason to not get married.

It saddens me that so many women place themselves in financially vulnerable positions.

If you both don't want to get married, that is a perfectly valid choice. But you then need to draw up a proper will (also where the children will live in case of your death), also share child care costs and in case the woman becomes a SAHM, she should arrange her financial independence (any savings in her name, house in joint name, but better: keep your job and get DP to pay half the childcare). Also, remember, if one of you dies and the other inherits the half of the house, this would be TAXED massively if you are not married.

I feel that people should learn about these things at school. Actually.

Women put themselves in such vulnerable positions, men never would, it's madness.