To be upset dp doesn't want to marry me

[bellabella10]

As background we've been together for 5 years and have an 18 month old together. When we first moved in together about a year into the relationship we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point in the future. Our baby was a surprise although we love him so much.

Whenever i have brought up the subject in the past two years (not often) he just changes the topic. Last week i approached it head on (I want to change my name anyway so we all have the same surname old school) he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why. I will change my name by deed poll i suppose but it still upsets me.

I didn't even want a big do (although i get a tiny bit jealous when i see my friends getting married) and would be happy going to the registry office with only a few close friends and family.I have a feeling is because he had family abroad but they do come over and we could have a small ceremony in both countries.

[noddyholder]

Definitely didn't cost us £1700. Nowhere near and has been looked over by 2 close legal type friends. I am always amazed at all the women who would be up shit creek as it were if they weren't married. This is what needs to change.

[IdaClair]

My parents divorced in a non amicable way, it cost my mother near £20k, and it was 20 years ago. The process took nearly two years.

Might not be the norm but marriage doesn't just cost you the registry office fee - if a relationship is in the process of breaking down the marriage certificate can be a protection OR it can be a liability. Depends how you look at it.

[falulahthecat]

SilveryMoon
Obviously people only listen to you when you put links on - I mentioned the GRO index eons ago..
huff

[scottishmummy]

Why do you need to cajole,coerce your partner it get divorced.
It speaks volumes that he won't spontaneously act he doesn't want to
Element of can't be arsed,yes.bit essentially doesnt want to


Will you complete,and post form seeing you're paying for his divorce too?

[eightandthreequarters]

I'm with scottishmummy on the point about the discussion being about her DP's wants. OP needs to give a lot more time and space to what SHE wants. OP, you want to be married, you want a ceremony (you said you would prefer that, right?), you want everyone to have the same name. There's nothing wrong with any of that, and you should be bringing this all to the discussion. Be honest with yourself. Obviously you may well not get everything you would like, but there's no sense in denying that you want it.

Don't just think about what he wants. What you're hoping for needs equal consideration. In that, he really needs to consider it seriously. Just like you need to take his concerns seriously.

[noddyholder]

One of my oldest friends divorced several years ago from v wealthy dh. 5 kids and I wouldn't say I envied her! She had to move house immediately and although he had to pay maintenance he fiddled things so that he paid the bare minimum. Only one of her dc is still under 18 and so she has to move again as can't keep the house even though all kids still live with her! He is re married with 2 more children. She gave up her career and now has nothing!

[DebbieOfMaddox]

But you might have meant the paper copy of the GRO index (although is that accessible any more? I vaguely remember some email about something closing)

[SilveryMoon]

Sorry cat But as I think it's clear, we are people needing a simple life and the least amount of effort required. It's taken 7/8 years and we have just applied for a copy of the certificate. Let's hope it doesn't take another 7 years to actualy file for divorce. I might need some links to get me started on that one too

[winklewoman]

i will give him the £360 for the divorce

Heaven help us.

[scottishmummy]

Silvery he's got you exactly where he wants/needs you.you running about after him
You may well pay divorce,will he post it,will he complete.hes got you over barrel
Largely because you've demonstrated habitually you'll settle for his nonsense

[KristinaM]

Silvery -you are naive to the point of sounding a bit stupid

" We're not going to split up and he's unlikely to die young, so there's been no need."

There is not a person on this thread who can see into the future. Not one of can be sure that our partner will not come home tonight and say he /she is leaving. Have you read any of the relationship threads on mumsnet????

It's not a question of how much you love of trust your partner. It's a question of how much you love your child. Do you love your child enough to make sure that he has as much legal and financial security as possible if you split up or one of you dies ????

Why are you gambling with your child's future on odds of 50:50?????

[nauticant]

Still, winklewoman, at least he's going to enjoy his brand new smartphone/iPad/big nights out.

[AddToBasket]

With Joinyourplay on this.

OP, he doesn't want to marry you - do not change your name. It is desperate. You are his girlfriend (use of the word 'partner' counts for zero in law). I understand that you want the same name as your son but the fact it comes up here in a discussion about marriage rather suggests you are trying to force the 'family' thing. Would you consider cahnging your DS's name to yours? I thiunk that may be a better option given how young he is.

Sorry, but I think you have to take him at face value: he won't marry you even though it is important to you. How important is it to you? Sounds a lot.

[divisionbyzero]

@MinesAPintofTea "all the social benefits from appearing to be married"

Genuine question, what are the social benefits he might get from appearing to be married? Are there any that aren't negated by not actually being married?

I can see how we could claim perhaps some psychological or social benefits from living as if married, but the appearance part puzzles me.

[SilveryMoon]

Scottish and Kristina I know you are being helpful, and I am grateful for the advice, but it really isn't like that. Yes, I suppose I have gambled with my children's financial stability if the worst were to happen, but he really is not stringing me along or wrapping me round his finger or taking advantage or any of the things you are thinking. It's just not been an issue, we have had things going on and have just forgotten about it I suppose. Yes, niave, yes, stupid, but that's just what's happened, life. All the things we have to do day to day have just got in the way of all the things we need to do for the future.
It'll get sorted, but I don't need to be mocked thank you, so be supportive, offer advice and point me in the right direction of things if you have time, but don't mock me, there is no need.

[scottishmummy]

Silvery that indignation you're feeling about posts,that how dare you,channel it to him
I haven't mocked you,I mocked him,his obvious laziness and lack of regard
And if you find this uncomfortable or hard to hear, good, do something

[scottishmummy]

Btw I have not called you stupid or naive silvery

[rabbitlady]

we're not going to split up
i said that, too.
married 1978. divorced 1988. that was with a proper marriage. if we'd been living together, i'd have been out long before that.

[noddyholder]

Why have you gambled with your dc financial stability rather than providing it?

[jacks365]

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

silvery the link has the download able divorce forms linked to ut. Good luck.

bella figure out what is important to you and why and what your deal dreakers are and sit down and discuss things properly not just about marriage but plans for the future, do you hope to buy eventually etc, what if something happened to one of you how would the child be provided for etc.

[Writerwannabe83]

Bella - my sister co-habitated with her partner and they had two children. They were quite happy that marriage wasn't a necessity, it was just a piece of paper etc and boy did it bite my sister in the bum.

After 10 years together it transpired he was having an affair. They didn't have a joint account, my sister had no rights to the house they'd lived in for 4 years and she found herself and the children turfed out and he moved his OW in as well as her children. She couldn't afford rental on just her wage, the child's father wasn't forthcoming with money and she had a huge battle on her hands trying to claim benefits due to issues with her living situation whilst she had been with the father. To cut a very long story short, it took her just over 6 months before she found somewhere else for her and the children to live and in the meantime the three of them had to go from relatives house to relatives house, sleeping on the sofas or all sharing one bed. It was awful.

It's easy to think it won't happen to you and that the wonderful DP would never do anything untoward towards you and especially the child, but men do! My sister is desperate to change the children's surname to her own as obviously they have their father's, but he won't give permission.

You are in a very vulnerable position, your DP holds all the cards. I hate to think the worst if people but unfortunately it happens all to often where the man won't make the commitment and it's the woman dealing with all the shit when things go wrong.

[SilveryMoon]

Ok. Sorry Scottish and thank you.
Noddy, I don't have an answer. I've not viewed it like that because I've been providing for the now I suppose.
He always told me he doesn't want to get married. I think his wife really hurt him.

[RunRabbit]

'we would talk, possibly jokingly, about getting married and having kids at some point'

'i approached it head on he said he doesn't want to get married and doesn't know why.'

Maybe he's not that into you anymore?

[scottishmummy]

He's not in position to get remarried,as he's still married to ex.so it's irrelevant
Pragmatically you need think about your back up plan,get savings,career
Your hoping all the what ifs never happen,thars risky

[SilveryMoon]

Thanks for the link jacks.
Bella I'm obviously not one to give advice, but I don't think there's necessarily anything sneaky about him notwanting to get married. In your case would a will be sufficient?