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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:

nilbyname · 17/02/2014 13:21

Your mortgage is double mine, and we earn far more than you. That's bonkers.

AngelaDaviesHair · 17/02/2014 13:21

They offered to continue to help DH out whilst he retrained. We very very gratefully accepted. He hasn't finished training, and they are cutting him off

I completely get how hard this is. People are fixating on how lucky you were to get so much help, and that's understandable. But PIL have gone back on their word. You had a legitimate expectation that, barring some financial disaster for PIL, the subsidy would continue until your DH had finished training. If they had even given you 3 months' notice it was going to come to an end that would have been kinder.

The thing is, they've done it. So you and your DH have to work out how to manage, and fast. I agree that you dropping a job may be sensible, if you can get WTC and save on childcare. Can you put the house on the market?

Original poster

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:21

I'm at work now. It's a panic situation so I am doing some rare daytime MN whilst at work.

Honestly, you couldn't be more wrong about DH. He might be upset and pissed about this, and maybe thats wrong but he is the kindest, sweetest most generous, hardworking man. Please don't call him lazy.

At weekends whilst I am doing job 3, he is doing childcare and ALL the household tasks.

OP posts:

waltermittymissus · 17/02/2014 13:22

I would be MORTIFIED if my PILs had been shelling out to me for my whole married life.

Me too.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:22

Gruffalump

I was being sarcastic.

Op wont get any empathy or sympathy here!

I don't really think you can call her dh entitled either, I don't expect any money from My DP however, if they were well off and could comfortably give me x amount every month and they wanted too. I would take it!

If I was also in turn well off and could comfortably give my own DC some extra money every month I would, why wait until I die. As long as no one is compromising what they want from their old age ....so what.

I understand why your DH would be pissed off to suddenly have this support withdrawn with no warning and its irresponsible of your FIl. Is there some background, an argument etc maybe you are not telling us...

Anyway, you need to help your DH see the wider picture and look at your finances and find another way round them.

It can be done.

nilbyname · 17/02/2014 13:22

You lease a car don't you?

SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 13:23

You said your house wasn't £300k when someone mentioned it....if you were renting you wouldn't have said 'we haven't bought, we rent'.

Add message | Report | Message poster NameChangedForPILissue Mon 17-Feb-14 13:16:17
Our city is expensive. We live in a cheap area!

And god, no our house wasn't anywhere near £300k !

Retrofairy · 17/02/2014 13:23

This isnt making sense to me. A full time job at minimum wage is more than £9k.

MaryWestmacott · 17/02/2014 13:23

BTW - £11k is very low for someone with a degree, when will he qualify for his new career?

I think it sounds like you are working all hours god sends, spending no time with your DC, doing everything you can, so your DH can pursue his dreams, and it's everyone else's job, yours, his parents, to provide your DH with the lifestyle he wants.

He has 1 child, another on the way, he cant keep chasing dreams.

WipsGlitter · 17/02/2014 13:24

Agree you need to move somewhere much cheaper.

Have you actually discussed this with your FiL, explained there are two years of training to go?

How were you going to manage when you went on mat leave, as you income would drop then too?

OrangeFizz99 · 17/02/2014 13:24

You shouldn't have built your finances around a £6k yearly handout at the end of the day I guess.

I think studying is an expensive luxury when you are an adult with children myself (aware probably unpopular) and it doesn't sound like you are in a position for dh to spend time not working. He needs to put his course on hold for the moment and get a second job.

K8Middleton · 17/02/2014 13:24

CouthyMow · 17/02/2014 13:25

And he's a cocklodger of the highest degree for getting you to work 3 jobs whilst he indulges himself by navel gazing doing a second degree when you are working yourself into the ground whilst pregnant with his child.

You DO realise that this level of employment is going to be unsustainable when you are heavily pregnant or with a newborn, don't you?

And why are YOU working weekends instead of him?

Cocklodger is my summation.

holycowwhatnow · 17/02/2014 13:25

Hmmm

nilbyname · 17/02/2014 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

waltermittymissus · 17/02/2014 13:26

Maybe he's not lazy but he's certainly spoilt and completely irresponsible.

What were you thinking by going along with this? Weren't you embarrassed taking this money??

Bowlersarm · 17/02/2014 13:26

Oh my days OP.

This is the most grabby thread I've seen in a long time.

You really, really shouldn't be expecting handouts of that magnitude from your PIL.

So your DH wants to cut them out? Theres gratitude. Help your son out, and the entitled bugger shows his true colours.

Well, I hope his sister cops the lot when they eventually die.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2014 13:26

Good on your FIL, he should have stopped it a long time ago. Maybe he doesnt want his grandchildren to be as entitled as his son.

Theres not a chance on this earth i'd have married somebody who was still being supported like a child by his parents whilst he did what he liked. His ideal job may not have been available after uni but he could have worked at anything until it came up.

You choose to have two children and to buy a house, now you have to pay for it like most adults and live in the real world. You didnt need to move to accomodate a baby!

Talk of cutting them out, it sounds like no great loss to them if you do as it would only appear you see them as a cashpoint.

OrangeFizz99 · 17/02/2014 13:27

He doesn't sound very hardworking.

Car insurance is £300 a year max ffs.

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 13:27

None of this makes any sense! Who's looking after your child whilst you're working 2 FT jobs in the week?!

CouthyMow

Bowlersarm · 17/02/2014 13:27

Yes, it can't be true. No one could behave so idiotically.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 13:27

Your DH needs to stop being so selfish and get a job. What kind, generous, hard working man sits back and watches his pregnant wife work 3 jobs? He sounds like a spoilt arsehole.

And big whoop to the fact that he looks after his own child and tidies his own house whilst you work - give the man a medal.

Valpollicella · 17/02/2014 13:28

Serious question OP, how is that going to work when you have to go on mat leave?

What kind of will you be getting then, ie will all three jobs pay out maternity pay?

How on earth will you manage then?

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 13:29

In your defence though, up until 3 months ago my car insurance was also just short of £1'000 a year.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:31

Op I think you have thrown up a very interesting conundrum here its MN gold it really is.

Its flying along.

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