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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/02/2014 12:57

But obviously it was your choice as a couple to move and to have a baby.....a very scary decision when you are so reliant on someone else giving you £500/month.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:57

We already have a DS, it's not about becoming a father.

DH started his current retraining based on the fact that PIL would continue to help us out until we were financially independent.

They've just decided to suddenly stop, and to be honest, it's just completely fucked us over.

OP posts:
K8Middleton · 17/02/2014 12:58

I refuse to believe anybody like the op exists.

Nobody is really that entitled and unaware of the realities of life, surely?

LimeLelloLizard · 17/02/2014 12:58

Or maybe this is a reverse AIBU and you are really the MIL?

winterlace · 17/02/2014 12:58

Look, he's been to university yes? Then 'couldn't get a job' so retrained.

I'm sorry but I do think dp sounds a little spoilt.

Chocotrekkie · 17/02/2014 12:59

Maybe your mil has pointed out that she is driving a crappy car, living in a crappy house and she would like to benefit from the money rather than giving it to adult children who should be independent.

He might have had his pension predictor and it isn't as good as he thought.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/02/2014 12:59

No, you fucked yourselves over by living beyond your means....you and DH, not your FIL.

Harsh but fair comment I would say.

SuperScrimper · 17/02/2014 12:59

You fucked yourself over when you moved house and had more children based on someone giving you THEIR money each month rather than earning it yourself.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 12:59

No you don't need the money.

You have based your finances on someone else's gift. Don't move house, don't get pregnant, don't 'retrain' on someone else money.

And if you're not entitled to wtc or Ctc then you're not poor enough or not working enough.

Get a couple of jobs, move somewhere cheaper, buy as cheap as possible for the baby.

And apologise for leeching off them all these years.

oldwomaninashoe · 17/02/2014 12:59

Your FIL should be putting this money away for HIS and MIL's future, his pension fund has probably halved ( if not more) over the past few years.
Your PIL's have been incredibly generous!
Think about it, if they had had an extra 1000 per month at their disposal the new car and the new kitchen might have happened!
You have both been incredibly lucky and should be more than grateful for the help you have had.

Your DH needs a reality check, and should be on his knees with gratitude to his parents.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:59

Well, that's a ridiculous point as we are also entirely reliant on our employers giving us money, which could also change so of course, everyone is reliant to some degree on other people for their income.

I realise not everyone has this. I realise we have been lucky. I do.

OP posts:
Morgause · 17/02/2014 12:59

You're both going to have to look at your budget and work out where to go from here.

Your PiLs have been marvellous for helping you out until now and deserve your DH's gratitude not threats to cut them off.

He sounds awful - your DH, I mean not FiL.

K8Middleton · 17/02/2014 12:59

Erm op you're just going to have to cut your cloth to fit your means like the rest of us.

Why on earth would you presume the handouts would continue indefinitely? Why did neither of you ask how long the free ride would continue?

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 13:00

Hmm But you're entitled to WTC if you earn under £16k. If you are not entitled, then sorry but you should absolutely be able to cut your cloth accordingly unless you have undertaken financial constraints (eg, mortgage, car loan etc) using the £500 a month as your 'income'

£500 a month is a third of our household take home pay. If we were given another £500, we would live very differently to how we do now.

It just sounds to me like you've lived beyond your own means...Time to start getting realistic again!

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:00

Op you have posted on the wrong board here!

Of course its un fair that because of your SIL your FIL has deicide to apply same timing to you.

What is good for one may not be good for the other.

Rather than going to cut him out though, why cant your DH talk to him and ask him to borrow some money now? Or give him some money for a few more months whilst you re adjust to your situation so it isn't so swift.

Your FILs actions have led you to an expectation and you have been supporting yourselves on this, of course its odd and strange to suddenly pull this away.

First I would talk to him, ask him if you have upset him, the timing with the baby, would a loan be possible to be paid back x....

secondly if no go I would say that's a shame but thank you so much for your amazing help so far....

Thirdly, don't worry about the baby and what you need to get, the baby wont notice...

fourth don't panic, its not a nice situation but you will be able to deal with this some how, people do....

LimeLelloLizard · 17/02/2014 13:01

Yes but you WORK for the money your employers give you.

What do you do for your PIL?

JanineStHubbins · 17/02/2014 13:01

'Reliant on your employers giving you money' - no, you earn money through your work. Key difference.

nilbyname · 17/02/2014 13:02

You are either thick or selfish.

If you were living off £500, and that was all, then you are definitely entitled to TCs or WTCs.

K8Middleton · 17/02/2014 13:02

Oh it's like being employed is it op? So what exactly are you and your fellow leech dh doing to earn this hand out?

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:02

I work 3 jobs (two FT and one PT). DH works one FT but is also studying.

We can't get more jobs. We didn't 'decide' to have another child, it was a happy accident. We moved to a new house to accommodate us all!

We've not leeched off them Sad

They offered to continue to help DH out whilst he retrained. We very very gratefully accepted. He hasn't finished training, and they are cutting him off.

OP posts:
Armadale · 17/02/2014 13:03

OK. How about this for a bit of perspective.

My PIL are also very wealthy.

Last year my DH lost his job through no fault of his own (new owner fired him from the small company where he worked for no reason so that he could give the position to his new son in law).

We went through our savings in the first 4 months as DH could not get work and we still had to pay the mortgage etc.

DH is now working for himself, and although he is slowly building up a business it is a slow process. We have really, really struggled. There have been a fair few months where we have literally had nothing to live off after paying the mortgage, which we prioritised.

His parents are aware of our struggles but have never offered to help us with a penny.

DH signed some thing about 5 years ago when FIL had a hip replacement that basically means he can act for his parents in financial matters (PIL asked for this to be done). About once a quarter DH gets a call from the bank as PIL's accounts have once again gone over the current account limit of having £100,000 in cash in each account so DH has to go in and arrange a transfer to a savings account (PIL refuse to have any sort of Direct Debit or savings Plan to sort this out automatically on the grounds that it is confusing).

DH often has to take a morning/afternoon off work to go and sort this out when we are struggling to make ends meet.

Our attitude to this has been: Yes we do wonder why his Parents who have more money than they will ever be able to spend don't want to help him, but it is their decision and their money. We might make different decision if we have children who need help and were able to , but we love his parents and do our best for them. It would never occur to us that we are entitled to support from them as adults. The idea we would cut them off because they didn't give us money is just not something I can understand. They are family.

Chocotrekkie · 17/02/2014 13:03

You arent "reliant" on your employer for giving you money - you work for them and if you lose your job you go and get another one.

The state acknowledges this isnt always that easy and so provide benefits to tide you over between jobs.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:04

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process

This is quite common, and its sensible that using his means, ie with breathing space from his parents he is studying some things else...so he can be financially independant, the man is working towards something here! There is a goal, to be independant...he isnt sat on his arse doing nothing...

JanineStHubbins · 17/02/2014 13:05

You work 3 jobs? Really? How do you fit in 2 FT and 2 PT job? Do your employers know?

Then presumably you know the difference between money you earn and money you get on a plate.

Unexpected · 17/02/2014 13:05

If your dh was depending on £500 a month from his parents to "retrain" after presumably already having been supported through university by them first time around, it would have been advisable to check with them that they were planning on continuing this arrangement. Did you just assume this arrangement would continue forever?

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