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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
Leo35 · 17/02/2014 13:33

I do feel sorry for you both if the undertaking from FIL was to support you through your DH's retraining. Some family trust has been broken. However I do think that you are going to have to sit down with your DH and a spreadsheet and some info from CAB or similar, and work out how you are going to afford the re-training, or whether you move onto other jobs, and how you can support your growing family.

Hope that you all get through this time. Take care and best of luck OP.

AngelaDaviesHair · 17/02/2014 13:35

Oh, have I been naive in posting advice?

Objection · 17/02/2014 13:35

My car insurance is about £500 a year. I'm 22 though and have only had my license 2 years.

I presume you are living in London? That's the only place I could think of where £1350 a month rent would be considered the norm.

Before we bought our house, our rent was £550 for a 3 bed semi in the countryside (Midlands) more than enough for a family with 2 children.

behindthetimes · 17/02/2014 13:35

I don't agree with the posters who say that your husband is being a selfish spoiled brat. While you have been very fortunate to be recieving the help up to now, as your circumstances have not yet changed it has obviously come as a shock, as you were probably expecting the money to stop once DH qualified.
However, it is entirely their choice and I think you would be wise to encourage your DH to see it that way, feel thankful for what you've had so far, and definitely NOT fall out with family over money.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:36

Outside london perimeter that is the norm too for an ok small ish terrace.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2014 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oly4 · 17/02/2014 13:37

I agree that people are being horribly nasty on here OP, it's uncalled for and all these strangers would never say it to your face!
However, you do need a reality check. You are adults. With children. This is your responsibility. Your dh's retraining was HIS choice. Maybe, based on this and the fact you're having another baby, he needs to talk to his uni, take a year or two off his training and get a FT job to see you through.

The other thing is that you should move somewhere smaller. Your kids are young and can easily share a room. They won't care/remember. You may not WANT to do this but it is sensible.

I think you and your DH need to accept what's happened instead of complaining about it and get practical on what it means for your finances. Cutting the grandparents off based on this would be hurtful AND incredibly childish and selfish. Your parents in law have been nothing but generous so far and that is how you should view it.

I'm afraid, put bluntly, it is time to stand on your own feet and manage until you can both work in better jobs.

Good luck

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 13:37

mn Gold lol Grin Enjoyable reading for sure!

emptychair · 17/02/2014 13:37

You just said mortgage!
Our mortgage payments are £1350 a month.

I feel for you in that it is horrible when you suddenly realise you are living beyond your means but I'm with everyone else in that I am gob-smacked at your DH's attitude.

£500 a month and you call him tight?

MaxsMummy2012 · 17/02/2014 13:41

Yes YABVU. You should be extremely grateful to PIL for subsidising your gold plated life style for so long. It's simple really, you need to write down all your outgoings from food to rent, write down your incomings (all 4 jobs) and make big cuts! You are adults (I assume!) with children to support and like the rest of the adult world you are responsible for supporting yourselves and if that means selling your car for a small / cheap second hand run around, eating supermarket basics range, moving to a smaller 2 bed house in a cheaper area then so be it! You both need to grow up and work out how to live without mummy and daddy bailing you out! And for the record your joint salaries work out more than mine and my hubby's, we own a house just outside one of the most expensive cities in England, own a car and have a child and manage just fine so I dred to think what kind of lifestyle you have where you cant cope on £33K!

emptychair · 17/02/2014 13:41

Ah, X-post (Bloomin fast moving threads).

Still doesn't change things OP, you need to move to a cheaper place, relocating if necessary. You and your DH need to stand on your own two feet.

Electryone · 17/02/2014 13:41

Not sure why you call your rent tour mortgage, 2 different things really. Are you going to get maternity pay from all 3 of your jobs?

Unexpected · 17/02/2014 13:44

You seem unable to distinguish between mortgage and rent and, on the basis of the figures you have given us, are earning below minimum wage in at least one of your jobs. It is also simply not possible that you are working two full-time jobs and one part-time - it just isn't - there aren't enough hours in the day. If indeed this is true, the scenario screams out of a couple who never learned to budget or manage their finances properly because you have always had the safety cushion of being supported by your PILs to fall back on. You already have one child, with very cheap childcare - not sure how you manage that, did you not consider the financial implications of having another?

BadLad · 17/02/2014 13:46

139 posts in an hour. Great going!

I've copied and pasted the OP as sometimes I have problems explaining the colloquial meaning of "entitled".

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:47

Someone reported me? Shock

Seriously, you think this is trolling? I've seen some things on MN in my time, but this would be one shit troll. I don't care - I've been here 10 years so MNHQ can happily ignore your reporting.

We can't move somewhere smaller. A lot of assumptions are being made here! Our DS isn't at an age where it would be appropriate to share with a baby, he is at school.

We can't relocate.

DH isn't doing another degree, he is doing on the job exams and training to become an accountant as his degree hasn't got him any jobs. He is on £11k a year. I earn £9k a year from 2 jobs, and an extra £4 from weekend work.

DH did this for over a year, now I do it. We take turns. He isn't lazy.

I could post photos of our payslips, but obviously I won't. I don't get why people don't believe me - it isn't even the point of the post!

OP posts:
IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:48

subsidising your gold plated life style for so long

so she - has THREE jobs, is pregnant has one but thats a gold plated life style now is it?

When I win the lottery is this what I can look forward too nowadays?

Confused

Op, it wouldn't matter if you were down a coal mine with your DH working 20 hour days, because someone somewhere who can well afford it, gave you a supplement, you would still get called entitled and spoiled.

sweetmelissa · 17/02/2014 13:48

Honestly, you couldn't be more wrong about DH. He might be upset and pissed about this, and maybe thats wrong but he is the kindest, sweetest most generous, hardworking man.

Sorry, but I think someone who suggests:

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again.

is NOT kind and not sweet.

Seriously, considering cutting off his parents because they no longer pay him??? Sorry, that is cruel and nasty. How much an hour would he accept from his parents so they can see their grandchildren? How much do your family pay to see their grandchild?

I actually can't believe this thread.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:48

I only get maternity pay from one job. One is SE and the PT one I haven't been in long enough to qualify. So no.

And I am only taking 3 weeks maternity leave anyway because we can't afford it. This was decided a long time ago, before we got this news.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 17/02/2014 13:49

Assuming this is all correct, you clearly need to make cuts. There's no point moaning about the money cut from PILs as you were lucky to have it anyway.

What kind of house do you have? Since you have one DC and one on the way, the most you need is a two-bed place. Go to a flat instead of a house, etc etc. If you live in a city, you may be able to give up the car and save yourself money there too.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:49

DH is upset because FIL has just done this without warning. Not because he is spoilt or entitled or expects PIL to pay to see the GC. Jesus.

OP posts:
WeAreDetective · 17/02/2014 13:49

The you need to talk to the PIL about a loan. Payable back.

That's ould seem fair to me

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 13:50

You say your PIL have been giving you money for the last 8 years but then said since 2010 you have been given £500 a month. How much were they giving you the previous 4 years to that?

WeAreDetective · 17/02/2014 13:50

Sorry.

'Then' 'that' 'should'

Valpollicella · 17/02/2014 13:51

I know it is a pain to move house/flat, but if you keep the baby in with you for the first 6 months, could you maybe find a cheaper place to rent on a 6 month basis?

He wouldn't be sharing then. Heck the baby could stay in your room for a year, needs must and all that

neverthebride · 17/02/2014 13:51

No-one I know says 'mortgage' when they mean rent as they are completely different things!.

You also said in response to a poster who asked how expensive your house is 'oh no, our house is nowhere near 300k'.

I rent and have no idea what the property is worth. If asked how much your rented house is worth surely the response would be 'oh we don't own it, we rent' rather than the response you gave?.

Lots doesn't add up here..