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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL Issue. Need some perspective.

999 replies

NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 12:42

NC'd for obvious reasons.

PIL are very well off. Rich enough that MIL doesn't and has never worked. FIL earns a huge amount, and is unbelievably tight with it too (refuses to update 25 year old kitchen, 30 year old bathroom, won't buy MIL a new car even though hers is verging on dangerous, won't spend more than £10 per GC at christmas etc).

They are set to become millionaires with some inheritance that is probably due to come in the next year or two. For now they live on their £200k+ a year income with very little expenditure.

For the past 8 years, they have given us money every month to help with our living expenses. It began when DH was at university, before we met, and was the standard parents helping out a child at uni situation. DH always worked PT to top this up.

After leaving uni, DH wasn't able to get a job in his field and so has subsequently had to retrain, and is halfway through that process. This means he is earning low for now as he is studying whilst working so is essentially unskilled. In around 2 years, we hope he will be on a good salary. I am also on a relatively low wage.

We've been married since 2010, and since then they've given us £500 a month to help us out. Obviously, this is very generous and e appreciate this. SIL has had the same.

SIL no longer needs this, as her and her husband have now got high flying careers (lawyer and pilot) and no children, and do FIL has decided to stop all our payments.

We've just moved into a new home, and have a baby due in a few weeks. The timing could not be worse.

DH is so furious he wants to tell him we are cutting him out and never seeing him again. I don't know what to do - is he being selfish and awful? Or is it his money and we should be grateful for what we've had up until now?

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:05

Please stop being nasty, DH and I aren't leeches, we aren't spoilt and we are grateful, up until now. We aren't thick or selfish.

We work so bloody hard, lots of long hours and we don't live beyond our means. Believe me! We haven't been on holiday, ever. We shop in Lidl/Aldi. We live in a very expensive place, sadly, and do our best but realistically, we needed that money to live, yes.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 17/02/2014 13:06

That was very unpleasant to describe your FIL as 'tight' when he's been handsomely subsidising you both all those years. So now he's stopped - perhaps he's hit some financial problems/disasters, who knows? In any case, sounds like it's high time you and your husband stood on your own two feet and didn't act so expectational, spoilt and entitled.

As for threatening to 'cut him off', presumably from his grandchild when it arrives as well , for God's sake grow up, the pair of you.

Objection · 17/02/2014 13:06

Shock I'm really struggling to have sympathy I'm afraid. YABU.

One of the best pieces advice I have heard is from Baz Luhrman's "Everybody's Free"

"Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out"

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 13:07

If you work 3 jobs then you have enough money unless you've made some poor housing decision? You must have greater than 25k to not be entitled to tax credits.

If you post your budget and your income /outgoings mumsnetters are fab at looking at ways to cut back Smile

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 13:07

How do you work 2 FT jobs?! genuinely curious

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:08

They told us they would continue to support us through DH retraining. This was over 2 years ago, and we have 2 years left to go.

We had no reason to suspect this would suddenly stop. No warning at all. Just didn't get any money this month.

Yes, I work 3 jobs. One during the day, one at night and part time at weekends.

OP posts:
IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:08

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youmakemydreams · 17/02/2014 13:08

I am going to put my hard hat on and say if you weren't financially independent why are you having children based on an income that could and has stopped at any point. And trust me I don't say that lightly. I don't do benefit bashing or even buy into the only have children you can afford because I think if a lot of us sat down and thought about it we'd think we couldn't afford to have children.

But I am honestly open mouthed at your statement that you were assuming this would continue until you were financially independent. You have made life choices based on being supported by your in laws.
I am very lucky I have bee helped out by my parents in the past but I have never and would never make a decision based on taking that help for granted. I had each of my children based on whether I could dress them and put food in their mouths.
Your dh is being an arse.

tomverlaine · 17/02/2014 13:08

You do come accross as massively entitled tbh.
BUT if they agreed to fund him while he was retraining then it is unreasonable of them not to continue - but was this a realy agreement or just an assumption? if it was a real agreement he should discuss it with them.
You need to plan your life/budget as if you are going to be self supporting - you aren't self sufficient but have managed to get married/have children/move house whilst being supported by others- most people save up/wait to do these things

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 13:09

Sorry, but I just don't buy this...not when you have a child as well. When the hell do you sleep if you work a day job and a night job and weekends?

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 17/02/2014 13:09

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nilbyname · 17/02/2014 13:09

You're living beyond your means. You need to change that.

You've obviously bought a house that was heavily reliant on that ££. It's a silly think to have done.

MrCabDriver · 17/02/2014 13:10

A full time job in the day, a full time job at night and a part time job at weekends - when do you sleep?

How is 3 full time wages and 1 part time wage not enough to live on??? Even on minimum wage that's a fair amount??

Genuinely curious .....

waltermittymissus · 17/02/2014 13:11

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Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:12

We aren't entitled to any WTC or CTC as we earn over £30k together.

DH earns £11k from his job.
I earn £9k from one job, £9k from the other and £4k from the other.

Our mortgage payments are £1350 a month.
Council tax is £190 a month.
Car insurance is £80 a month.
Childcare is £350 a month.

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 17/02/2014 13:12

I expect your FIL is doing you a massive favour by forcing you to be independent at last. How sad that your efforts are spent criticising your PIL rather than working out how to support your baby.

I find it really hard to sympathise in threads like this, as I always think more about the people in similar situations who have managed with no help from their PIL.

Why is it such an issue to be independent adults for the pair of you?

waltermittymissus · 17/02/2014 13:12

Also, living off someone else's money is most definitely living beyond your means.

It doesn't matter if you shop in Aldi or on Mars.

You can't afford to live somewhere expensive? You don't move into a house in an expensive area.

Gruffalump · 17/02/2014 13:13

IdRatherPlay - Get yourself a dictionary and learn how to spell. Why not look up the meaning of the word empathy while you are there.

OP - I think you are being given quite a hard time on here. Hope you manage to find a resolution to your financial difficulties.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/02/2014 13:14

You're living in a 300k place aren't you?

That's not sustainable on your salaries.

Sell and rent somewhere cheaper.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/02/2014 13:14

You only earn £9k a year from a full time job?

JanineStHubbins · 17/02/2014 13:15

If you took out a mortgage based on this money from your PIL, then you really are foolish.

Original poster
NameChangedForPILissue · 17/02/2014 13:15

I work:
Monday - Friday 9am-4pm, then 6pm-1am

Saturday 9-6, Sunday 6-midnight.

And yes, I have one DS and am pregnant.

OP posts:
FairPhyllis · 17/02/2014 13:15

You can't have it both ways OP. If this money really was all that was keeping you afloat, then you will qualify for tax credits. If by "keeping us afloat" you actually mean "keeping us afloat in the style to which we have become accustomed", then you will have to cut back, move somewhere else, live somewhere smaller etc.

You are not reliant on a "handout" from your employer. You have a contract with them and do work for a wage.

You shouldn't have planned a change in living style that was reliant on something that can disappear any moment. What was wrong with where you were living before? Do you insist on living in London, by any chance?

purplebaubles · 17/02/2014 13:16

FT on min wage is more than £9k a year.

If this isn't a wind up, you'd be better off just working one of your jobs and claiming the WTC's you would be entitled to.

Mortgage payments £1350 a month? Well, you only have yourselves to blame. You must have lied to the bank/lender about your income to even borrow that amount. I could almost understand it if you were telling me you were renting somewhere expensive, but who the hell commits themselves to a mortgage like that when they earn min wage?!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 17/02/2014 13:16

Definitely cut them out. Your husband is so stupid by threatening that and throwing his toys out of his paid-for-by-daddy's- pram that that means no inheritance either!

It must be hard but you will have to do what everyone else does and manage on what you have.