To wonder why women continue to bash each other over the SAHM/WOHP thing

[happyyonisleepyyoni]

I'm sick of hearing women justify their own life choices by bitching about others. It's nasty and low.

Can't we give each other the benefit of the doubt and accept that in the vast majority of cases, people do what they think is best for their families-whether that means staying at home or working. There is no moral right or wrong here.

The End!

being single that was meant to be

I'll be honest, as a single parent who's always worked, it does piss me off when single parents don't work for years and rely on state subsidy. It shouldn't, but it does.

I think everybody should have the choice irrespective of income tbh.
The argument of tax credits and a sahp is ridiculous when it is assumed that TC awards always allow a sahp.
They are awarded dependant on income and bear no relation to who works and who doesn't.
There are 2 parent workers who receive tax credits, if they allowed a sahp surely most families would choose this.

Why morethan? There have been loads of times I havent been much better off working, but I would never stay at home under any circumstances. I have friends in this position to.

Well there is a choice until children are at school age. I personally wouldn't want to go down that route but each to their own

In answer to your question, OP, I think it's because all SAHMs are lazy, scrounging bitches and all WOHMs are selfish, narcissistic bitches and women who don't have children? Well, they're bitches too. We should all just fight to the death and get it over with once and for all....put an end to this pointless discussion.

thats your choice to be a working lone parent the same as it is a working mum in a couple . thats my point lone parents and couple.deserve the.same.choice.

Olivia

That is you though, not necessarily everybody elses view.
I know plenty of people who all earn about the same salary, some have a sahp some don't. The fact that some receive tax credits doesn't mean they can afford a sahp. Although, for some it does mean they don't have to work, especially if they have fewer outgoings.

If they quit their jobs they could. A single mum.on nmw working 16 hrs is only 40 a week better off but then taking out childcare is often worse off, but many still do it even though there is no/little financial incentive.

Olivia

I know many sp's work when there is little financial gain, also both parents do as well.
It is a choice though, and imo everybody should have this choice.
A sp is no less deserving of this choice, just because they are single, and more often by not it isn't by choice.

I only ever see this talked about on here tbh and most of the threads do seem to be aimed at slating working mothers.
The thread the other day was ridiculous as the OP, like many others assumed all working mothers worked f/t hours and put their babies in f/t nursery when in fact many working mothers work p/t and have family to care for their dc.
In rl no-one I know comments on who works/who doesn't.

What I don't understand is that most women will surely stay at home and work outside the home at some point as a parent - very few women give up work completely for 20+ years.

So we are all, in a sense, WOHM & SAHMs - sisters under the skin.

I don't get the benefits for LWM. I went thru a stage where I thought DP was a prick and I looked into tax credits. My nursery fees were covered and then some. I don't know about housing benefit etc but seemed perfectly plausible to continue working but that's 44 hour contract not 16

Yes but as I said they do have the choice until school age. You can receive income support as a LSAHP...

I have had people comment on me being a SAHP negatively in real life.

From my first DC being 1yr MiL would grill my about finding a 'little job', regularly. At the time both DH and I were exhausted, I was still breast feeding and coping with a very active toddler and no family nearby to support. DH was working away from time to time as well. DH's wage also was more than enough to support us.

This went on. I have been grilled by other members of the family, although it was no surprise as they have always been quite assertive. They did the same for every position I have taken up since graduating.

Fast forward to when DC started school, was diagnosed with SEN, Statemented and only offered part time schooling. The school were the ones to take advantage, and insist I supplemented the additional support regularly and 'volunteered' for trips, swimming or anything else out of the ordinary. When trying to tail the support off, that I gave the school, parents would then try and twist my arm to 'volunteer' so things weren't cancelled and I didn't work like they did.

You just can't explain sometimes. My DC's needs are not actually difficult to cater for but getting adequate childcare was impossible. Now, in the space of a few years, you would never know that this was the child with Statemented 1 to 1 support. However if I took employment, that just meant the State would have had to pay someone else to do what I did for free. They did it badly too sometimes, because there were always pressures on them to help out elsewhere.

MN allows me to explain a little more, because of the anonymity. In RL I have to be careful to protect the reputation of my DC because SEN is often coupled with low aspirations, which only adds to problems, I expect a bright future.

I'm used to fighting causes though, so can be a little too warrior like sometimes!

Tantrums, I wonder if one gets more judgement for going out to work? I have that to look forward to then...

I think a big and open debate on this is rare but the little comments that get taken to mean more (rightly or wrongly) are common enough.

'i don't know why people have children to not look after them'
'i don't think i could stay at home, i'd be climbing the walls in a week'
'she just seems too small to leave with strangers'
'what do you DO all day?'

I think a big and open debate on this is rare

I don't really see a need for a debate on this topic. You make your decisions based on what is best for you, your children and (sadly) your bank account. There is no need to debate or explain your decisions to anyone but your family. Debating is part of what makes these threads turn into a battlefield - surely if you are happy with your situation you wouldn't see the need to debate anything with a bunch of strangers. And if you are not happy...well, not much anyone on a website can do for you.

Personally I would only see one of those questions as insulting up front. That would be the first. The 4th could be depending on tone.

The 2nd is a matter of opinion and the 3rd sure lots of WOHP would have thought at one point anyway.

Agree mrsmagnificent but none are taken in isolation. All are taken in a context of maternal guilt and self justification. So they seem negative.

A poster up thread said the most honest thing i've seen on the subject (massively paraphrasing here) 'i have been both. And for each choice i backed it up with a laundry list of justifications, built from research but serving my choice. But i just discussed it with DP, never with other people'

I am happy with my home situation. I don't need anyone to validate my choices for me particularly. I am less happy about societal attitudes and the education system.

Not every body feels able to spell out why they make the decisions they do to relative strangers, their decisions involve more than just themselves and their own reputations.

What the web can do, as you can be relatively anonymous, is to moe freely communicate the experiences, without comeback. This enables people to be a little more open minded and empathetic in their views and behaviour around others.

I can't afford to stay at home. I think it is quite privileged thing to be able to do at the moment. most of the sahm's I know seem to spend an awful lot of time, running and decorating and re decorating their homes.....however I am wel jel so don't listen to me! I would love to be at home for/with my girls, unfortunately we both have to work full time just to keep our heads above the water.

I don't find people's personal opinions offensive it's the generalisations I don't like. It has been said a million times but what is right for one isn't right for the other.

I have zero guilt in my choice to work. It is one that serves my family in the best possible way. Do I feel the need to justify it? No not really but I will/would give an explanation outright if I was asked.

If someone said to me "I choose to raise my children" and implied that I don't, I would tell them to fuck off. Not because I feel a need to justify my decisions but because their statement is ignorant. If someone said, "I want to stay at home because I feel like it is more important for me to be at home with my children" then fair play to them.

We all do what we think is right for our children. I wouldn't be a SAHP through choice because I know I would be crawling the walls, I know I would get a bit narky with DD and it wouldn't benefit her but then I also have endless evenings by myself as a lone parent. Being in the same four walls the majority of the time with one child and then by yourself isn't going to be good mentally for a lot of people in my position.

IMHO it's about feeling unjustly criticised.
I'm a WOHP (pt, in case that's in any way relevant). I am just doing what I need to do to get by.
I don't think one way of doing things is more worthy than another tbh.
But I am offended if a SAHP says makes comments about their having made a choice to "raise their own children"/ "be there for their children" "prioritise their children" rather than go to work. Because those comments are really saying that wohps are not doing those things, which is untrue and hurtful. Also, such arrangements a so often not about real choice.
So I have no problem with sahms (which I am not) nor high flying career women (which I am not) but I do have a problem with people who have got a good deal being smug about it.

I also think that the majority of people who feel like they have to justify do this because they have been put through the mill with external opinions.

A topic like this will instantly put peoples backs up.

I will say it again. I hate the fact that women tear strips of each other for their parenting choices. We are all women, we are all mothers, and we are all doing our best.