To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

I think they mean they want cash not presents....(not what you wanted to hear...sorry)

DH and I said no presents for our joint 30th party. One couple came empty handed and I will love them forever because of it. We got a hamper of nice stuff to eat and drink, but other stuff just went straight to the charity shop. We have no space, we need no more stuff.

But at least send a card. You could always contact them and say, I'd really like to give you something. Hamper? Donation to charity in their name?

I don't really see why you can't put 20 in the card - that's a decent amount for a present and you won't have the niggling feelings of stingyness. Just packing some sandwiches and drinks to save having lunch out, grab a macdonalds instead of a meal at the hotel, have a bottle of wine in your room and just get a soft drink in the bar...it's easy to save that amount. And if the hotel is only 5 hours away you could feasibly drive there on the morning of the wedding to save a night's hotel cost

I think it depends on the couple to be honest, so only you will know.

It was drummed into me from an early age to 'cover my plate' so I personally couldn't rock up without a gift, but that's me. (In fact this is so ingrained in my family that in my early 20s - when skint - my parents used to go for a joint gift from themselves, me & DP, which of course we didn't pay half of.)

I find it a little bit hard to believe that you've saved for a spa hotel, outfits etc. and couldn't find an extra £30-50 min for a gift if I'm honest. Like some others on the thread I would have been saving for that too. In your situation with beans on toast etc. I'd probably be with NeartheWindmills and not be going, but sending a token gift. Depends how close you are to the couple I suppose (old friend? or current friend who is also an old friend?).

However you are where you are and you are eating beans on toast. You can't spend family money on something for others at the expense of a basic standard of living for yourself and your DC. If your friend is a reasonable person, she will presumably know you're not rolling in it. If she is not, well it's her loss. I think the idea of making something personal is good. I can be fairly materialistic in my own purchases, but almost because of that, I like it when people make a personal effort. (I would much rather someone gave me something cheap and personal than they tried - as some of my friends do - to get me stuff I 'like' but on the cheap.)

FWIW I am getting married and whilst there are some mandatory invitees I'd be extremely peeved not to get a gift from (mainly because they are well off and I am 'obliged to invite' the bastards them because they are family), for my actual friends, I just want them there on the day. I know some are poor (some pretend otherwise but are unconvincing) and I don't expect gifts from them.

Sadly I suspect my friends who have 2 pennies to rub together will probably get me a gift that's a lot of money for them but I won't encourage it.

I agree with others that a nice thoughtful handmade gift or a framed poem can be much more personal if you can't afford a lot. When my best mate got married I found a really cute chunky frame and wrote a funny poem about how they met and it lives in permanent residence on a main shelf in their lounge. I was broke at the time!

It's rude to ask for cash, so it would be fine to choose to ignore that request.

We meant it, and not everyone gave us a present, and that was absolutely fine. Just lovely hey old be there. It really isn't fair to expect people to pay a lot o get there and pay for a hotel AND give a present.

A4 ring binder that's a brilliant idea. Wish we'd thought of that!

LittleBonnie - we won't be having lunch out! A McDonald's - your suggestion for "saving" money, is far more than we'd have spent on lunch anyway. We don't eat out.

As for Buggersmuddle - I don't know where on earth you've got that we've bought new outfits from. We haven't. In fact i'm quite embarrassed about what I'll be wearing as it's not very wedding-y, but it's the only "posh" dress that fits me since i lost weight after having DS.

Your suggestion that I could have easily saved another fifty quid really pisses me off Tbh. That is more than I spent on all my Christmas presents put together.

We put that on our invites and meant it. We had people who turned up and to be honest we didn't open the cards until we got home from honeymoon. Our wedding we big. People travelled and we didn't want anymore.

We opened our cards and were more interested in what guests had written to us. So go safe in the knowledge that going is more important xx

Grumpy Fair enough - I couldn't grasp that one what or other from your OP. In which case, you absolutely can't afford present. YANBU You are skint.

Don't worry they meant what they said. It's a well earned break for you and people who put that phrase on their invites mean it. I did. Your presence is the most important thing to them. There is no pleasing invite analysts. People want to give presents and they want options. Go, be wonderful guests and friends at the event and I'll bet my picture frames that's all they want. Enjoy x

Give them a nice card and a thoughtful gift as you know her and knows what she likes, Grumpy!

FFS! SHE is the one who is rude here to pull this ambiguous 'No gifts but money' shit. That's even ruder than people who tout for cash openly, although they are crass buggers.

She said 'NO gifts' first. You don't have the money without it costing your family. Your family is more important.

Solution = no damn money in a fucking envelope.

If people don't get that some people are skint and it not because they go out for dinner or have coffees, fuck 'em.

Believe me Grumpy if they are your friends they will know something of your financial situation. If they were inviting for huge cash gifts you wouldn't have been invited! Take them at their word and enjoy your break.