To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

My friend got married and didn't want/need anything so didn't say anything about gifts.

She then had to answer loads of people asking about what to get them and ended up telling them that if they must give a gift, pop some money in a card.

Maybe they are just trying to avoid loads of people asking them but are not expecting anything. If I was spending all that money to attend, I would take them at their word

Would people really be so offended with no gift??? I'd write them a lovely letter, handwritten, wishing them well in their married life. And include something like a voucher, inviting them for dinner/a weekend whatever, at your house at some point in the future.

We did. Lots of our guests had to travel long distances to attend and we were just grateful that they were able to come. Some people said that they really wanted to get us something, so we said if that was the case, we'd appreciate a copy of a good photo they'd taken during the day.

Weddings seem to have turned into one of the only occasions where it's now considered acceptable to treat your guests like a giant Argos catalogue.

I'd get them a lovely card and write something really personal to the two of them inside. Weddings are expensive enough for people to attend, without having to fork out cash for a gift as well.

Stick a tenner in with a handwritten message saying how glad you are to be part of their day and how you think they are perfect together, thank them for the chance to get away from your DC and spend time in a lovely hotel etc. don't apologise for the 'small' amount of money (it's always a lot if it's the most you can afford) just don't mention it.

They won't mind. They're probably less likely to notice the amount if there's something in the card and it all adds up anyway.

If they mention it or are funny about it then they weren't very good friends.

I went to a wedding recently which said no presents and just gave a card, no cash as genuinely had nothing to spare after driving to wedding and buying a couple of (non alcoholic) drinks. Nothing was said, they still talk to us :)

Enjoy!

Nope.

They are just trying and failing to be polite when saying 'I want cash'.

My opinion is that any sort of gift request included in an invite is the height of tack and rudeness. Cutesy poems being the worst.

I didn't send any mention of gifts at all in my invites. Every person who's invited knows dh and us well. They KNOW we've been together for 10 years and don't need a toaster and tea towels.

Anyone who doesn't want to/can't afford a gift won't get one. People who have a good idea for an item they think we'll like will get that, based on what they know of us. Anyone who wants to give cash/vouchers as an easier option can.

THIS pair want cash. From everyone. And will probably be pissed off at anyone who doesn't contribute. OTHERWISE they'd have made no mention at all.

Yes they do mean it.

I always give cash, if that's what the couple want, I don't see a problem with it.

I went to one couples wedding and they told everyone who was invited to the evening do that they didn't want gifts, or to worry about new outfits, those that were invited, were wanted for the company.

They were on a budget, so were limited to the day time invites, it was a brilliant day and night.

Every little helps, so £10 is fine. Don't go down the £10 gift route, cash is better, or nothing at all.

I wouldn't bother with the £10. It's a lot to you and will be a drop in the ocean. I suppose its a token. I don't think they'll appreciate it. I do think they'll Appreciate you travelling to the wedding.

In regards to 'different' gifts though, one of my friends had an awesome idea (I thought) at a wedding we were attending.

The bride and groom were going on honeymoon to Egypt. So my friend bought currency and put it in the card.

She was skint at the time too...but she felt soooo much better being able to include 200 Egyptian pounds...which is roughly 20 quid.

The bride and groom thought it was fab too. It just seems so much 'nicer' than giving cash to me (I know it's still cash but it seems different).

We said it, and we meant it.

We said it, and we meant it.

Did you say 'Gifts not required'?

Or 'gift not required but if you INSIST, you can get us cash/diamonds' etc?

One means it. One does definitely not.

If they have put it then they should mean it.

If you or your dh are good at taking pictures, make sure you take loads on the day - lots of little details that might get missed as well as pictures of people and the more obvious weddingy things like the cake, church, etc. If your camera can also do video clips then buttonhole as many people as you can to say something about the couple. And remember to buy a newspaper on the day of their wedding and the day after - and keep them pristine.

Then when they come back from honeymoon send them a DVD or cheap memory stick with all the photos and video clips as a reminder of their special day, along with the papers.

Or, taking the cash theme literally, see if you can find a lucky sixpence - you can get them for a couple of quid on eBay and maybe cheaper in a local antique store. And mount it in a cute little frame with nice words about wishing them luck and happiness, the date of the wedding, etc etc. You might be able to find one that's exactly a hundred years old or relates to a relevant date or number for them.

If somebody did that for us then I'd be thrilled and touched - and whilst it might not be on display in the most prominent position in the house, it would be in a special place and would make me smile whenever I looked at it!

I would take them at their word - I think if your having a big wedding people will get you stuff you don't want if you say "no presents" hence the mention of cash. Don't give anything you can't afford - if that means nothing then so be it. I bet they won't even register it and will be so pleased to see you .

Sing we said "no gifts but..." but we still meant it. We did it because we knew there were a few people who would have ignored the first part.

OP they are your friends. They know vaguely how wealthy or otherwise you are. If they invited people for the money you would not have been invited. :o

Does that help?

Can you skip the spa? I would put something more than 10£ or not bother at all. As for second hand books, etsy finds etc, you should be really sure your friend will love this. Telling as someone who moved boxes of "beautiful Czech cut crystal pieces in two house moves before plucking the courage to take them to the charity shop. You don't want to be the person who give these kind of presents. :)

If they hadn't included the grabby bit about wanting money I'd have thought they probably meant it. Unfortunately, with that added, it sounds more like "we'll say this because you'll think we're being nice people and give us even more"

You know them best, though ...

I made it very clear we didn't want or need presents. But I didn't ask for cash either - I think that's a bit crass. What they're actually saying is please give us some money so we can buy what we want.

I was going to say take plenty of pictures then get one framed for them.

Why does everyone think they're asking for money? That's not what they said. I wish we'd put it that way. We told everyone we didn't want presents and still got given a load of stuff that we didn't want. They are just trying to forestall the bonkers "must give a gift" brigade and sensibly requesting cash if people refuse to take no for an answer. Doesn't mean they want your money.

I would assume that they really, really don't want to be given stiff that they don't want and have no room to store so they would like no presents but that if you must get them something it should be money and not something that you love and they will have to live with for ever whether they like it or not.

My niece is getting married this year and is agonising about this bit of the invitation at the moment. She has included lists of accommodation for groom's family who will need to travel and a map and now wants to deal with the presents issue. She genuinely wouldn't be bothered if someone didn't give her a present (and neither would the lovely groom) however many people want to give something as it is traditional and expected. She was thinking about the same comment as in the OPs invitation, but really meaning it - come to the wedding, if you really feel it is important to give a present as well, give cash to help with their new home. She means it. I think it is horrible that people are so cynical and judgemental about other people's motives.
OP - go to the wedding, enjoy it and send a lovely card!

We put the whole presence more important than presents thing on our invitations, and actually meant it. I really would have preferred people to come to the wedding than buy us presents. I can't actually remember now if anyone took us at our word, but it certainly wouldn't have upset me at all if they had.

The whole bit about cash has thrown me a bit though. It does make it sound like they do in fact want a gift. In your position though, I would just go to the wedding, and take a small token gift. Honestly, if they are fucked off with you about that, then they probably aren't great friends!

they mean it, I have one of these at the moment (although I am in a position to contribute so will do so).

I like the idea of a nice card and a hand written letter full of good wishes. I still have my wedding cards two decades on.

I haven't read the other replies as people get really nasty on these threads, but we said very similar on our invites and we meant it.

A few people bought us small gifts (photo frames, cheese board) and they were as gratefully received as any other gift. Lots just gave a card. Looking back, I couldn't tell you who gave what and we sent thank you cards to everybody.

We genuinely just wanted our friends & family there to help us celebrate.

We meant it when we said it, and a fair few people didn't give us anything (or a card) which we were fine with.

People had to travel and stay over, so they had that expense already.

I'd have hated people to feel obliged to give us something, when really we just wanted them to come and celebrate with us.

Interestingly, most of the people who didn't give a wedding gift did then buy our DD something when she was born (which we also didn't expect).

No need to get a gift IMO.

When I got married, we were in our 30s and both working full time. I'd have been horrified if I thought anyone was struggling or worried about money after buying us a gift. Our wedding was an overnighter and any travel costs and accommodation bills were more than enough of a big ask.

To this day I vaguely remember that some people didn't get us gifts and I really don't care or mind.