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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

214 replies

GrumpyInYorkshire · 16/02/2014 11:31

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

OP posts:
dogindisguise · 16/02/2014 20:59

We meant it but we still got presents anyway.
We had a charity list as we didn't really want any stuff.

Snowdown · 16/02/2014 21:00

We asked for no gifts and we meant it, we wanted people to come, we weren't bothered about gifts, we just wanted to share our celebrations with people that mattered.

CooEeeEldridge · 16/02/2014 21:19

Only on man is this such an issue! Op if you can't afford it don't give anything. People really don't say the presence thing unless they mean it! We have included a 'but' part, not cos we're money grabbing arses, but because we recognise that some people do (for whatever reason) want to give something. I'd happily take a toaster, photo, whatever! I want people there, I can't wait to celebrate with them, if they want to bring a gift then fabulous, if not, still fabulous! You being there is definitely the most important thing!

CooEeeEldridge · 16/02/2014 21:20

Ahem, clearly 'man' = 'mn'

Rosie29 · 16/02/2014 21:58

This is what you do:

Get nice card
Do photo thing or even make the photo into a card
Be on the lookout in supermarket between now and wedding for on offer bottle of champagne or similar.

Job done, and have fun!

Rosie29 · 16/02/2014 21:59

It is also perfectly acceptable to just do the card but you seem to think you have yo take something so make it cheap and fun!

TheScience · 16/02/2014 22:01

I'd assume they mean it - they aren't bothered about gifts but if you want to give something, give money.

If you don't have the money, then fine - more important that you are there than that you don't go because you can't afford a gift!

I doubt they'll even notice/remember who gave them money and who didn't.

MaryWestmacott · 16/02/2014 22:10

But expat - if people buy you a thing, they tend to get upset if you've got rid of it very quickly afterwards, and if it's somthing like a photo frame or a vase or a heartshaped crystal as upthread, you can't just shove it in a draw and say "oh yes, we use it all the time" or "oh, we're keeping it for best" stuff like that is for display, so you end up having to have it out on display in your house.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2014 22:39

'But expat - if people buy you a thing, they tend to get upset if you've got rid of it very quickly afterwards, and if it's somthing like a photo frame or a vase or a heartshaped crystal as upthread, you can't just shove it in a draw and say "oh yes, we use it all the time" or "oh, we're keeping it for best" stuff like that is for display, so you end up having to have it out on display in your house.'

Then you don't need gifts, that's fine or you'd have a gift list of all the 'things' you need that are to your taste. Or ask for donations to charity, then.

Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 22:41

When H and I got married some people gave us gifts (we didnt do a list but if people asked we said could we have B&Q vouchers as we were doing up the house!) and some didnt.

My parents didnt get us anything as it was my second wedding. Didnt give it a thought tbh!

YellowHibiscus · 16/02/2014 23:15

We got married last year. Whilst we were truly grateful for the presents we did receive, it really didn't matter at all if we didn't receive a gift. All we cared about was getting married to each other and celebrating with our loved ones. Honestly.

Freddiefrog · 16/02/2014 23:43

I'd take them at their word and assume they meant it.

When DH and I got married we said no gifts thanks, we'd lived together 5 years, and had a child. Didn't have a gift list, explained a million times that we just wanted people to come and celebrate with us, but loads of people still gave us cash.

We also got a lot of bits and bobs, ornaments, loads of those white figurines of couples entwined, etc. I don't like stuff like that, don't do ornaments at all, part of me wished we'd done a small gift list so people could buy single pieces towards a nice dinner service or something

Freddiefrog · 16/02/2014 23:48

Oops, posted too early

We ended up with a load of knick knacks that weren't to our taste at all, but all these lovely people had bought them for us so didn't want to just bung it all in the loft, so had them out on display and ended up spending half my life chasing a 2 year old away from everything every 5 minutes in case she got hold of something and broke it

Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 23:56

Freddie missed an opp there I think! I was very pleased when DD broke a nasty votive I was given for my 40th! I had asked for donations to charideee in lieu of gifts should anyone feel moved to give one, but a certain friend always give a gift. A gift from a twiggy shit type shop that her friend runs funnily enough Wink

It was all glittery and sparkly and ..... really horrible! I felt very guilty that I didnt like it, I usually love anything anyone feels that want to give to me, but this was fugly! So when DD got it and dropped it I had a totally guilt free reason to bin it!

Shame I cant do the same with the baked bean tin with a heart shaped pattern punctured into it that that she gave as a wedding gift

Freddiefrog · 17/02/2014 00:01

I know, I should have let her get on with it. I just felt mean and ungrateful and ended up with all this stuff we didn't like and didn't ask for taking up space we didn't have.

I knew they'd all been to one of those expensive little gift shops and bought stuff they thought we'd like, so I ended up feeling guilt tripped into giving it house room.

I never buy stuff like that for people, cash in a card, or booze is always a winner

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 17/02/2014 00:04

I'd also take it as not wanting bits and pieces so would avoid the picture and frame idea.

Think I would find an old photo or a picture of a place you know means something to them, make that into a card and leave it as that.

Bogeyface · 17/02/2014 00:08

The best gift we had was from our best man.

We had put out a guest book (didnt want to, it was one of those "oh but you must!" things) and our best man pinched the wax crayons after the kids had gone to bed and drew us a picture and coloured it in. It was a childish house, sky, rainbow job. But it was brilliant, funny and lovely and didnt cost a penny. cheapskate, he is the richest person we know :o

Sceptimum · 17/02/2014 00:44

We said no gifts needed and meant it. We put in a qualifier about if people really wanted to they could (because a few people were getting worked up as they had already bought something, or wanted to contribute). A few did, most didn't and we appreciated them all equally.

I've always leaned towards taking people at their word on this one and it hasn't bit me in the arse yet.

Caterina99 · 17/02/2014 00:44

Who are these people who are actually offended if a wedding guest doesn't get them a gift?!? I was only married a few years ago and I was quite young so lots of my friends didn't have much money and some got us gifts and some didn't. I didn't care then and I don't now.

Get your friend whatever you like, a card, a tenner, a photo frame, a plant, some chocolates, nothing at all. Don't give what you can't afford. They are your friends, they will understand.

Bogeyface · 17/02/2014 00:49

caterina I noticed a trend on the wedding websites when H and I got married that it is going like the US. Over there, and increasing over here, the expectation is that the gift will be roughly equal to the cost of your meal and drinks at the wedding, so the hosts are not out of pocket.

I have seen people called cheapskates because a £50 gift didnt cover the £50 per head a couple cost the B&G :( Check out wedding forums, its very depressing.

Bogeyface · 17/02/2014 00:53

Sorry, meant to add that the link above is to my favourite thread on this website!

HollyBrrr · 17/02/2014 01:12

We meant it. Some friends gave us £10, one relative gave us a ridiculously humungous amount. We were grateful that anyone gave us anything. I think a nice card would be just fine considering you're stretched already. If they're good friends and good people they won't hold it against you and probably won't even remember a few months down the line.

80sMum · 17/02/2014 01:16

I think they mean it. Take them at their word.

I can't bear people giving me non-consumable gifts, like photo frames or ornaments or candle holders. They are never what I would choose, they take up space and gather dust.

I totally 'get' why your friends say, "If you really want to give us something, make it cash".

diddl · 17/02/2014 07:29

You are spending enough already!!

No need for a present of any kind!

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