To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

I wouldn't bother giving £10 -- it will just seem stingy (they won't necessarily know exactly how skint you are, if you can afford the trip and the nice hotel they will think you have some spare money).

What I would do is try to put together something sentimental and personal -- you say you're old friends, do you have old photos? It doesn't cost much to scan and print them, perhaps in a photo book format. Or as others have suggested, take lots of photos at the wedding and then put together a nice album.

We said the same on ours but not the bit about the cash, people still bought gifts anyway but nice things like bottles of bubbly, photo frames and scented candles.I know of others who said the same about cash and saw them opening the cards and taking out the cash with no idea who gave what so I would never like to give cash as a wedding gift.

I like dreamingbohemian's idea. Send it after the wedding when you've more money and put photos of the day in a little album.

Sing we said "no gifts but..." but we still meant it. We did it because we knew there were a few people who would have ignored the first part

So what? Of course there will be people who ignore it. So anything they buy you/give you is a bonus as really you want nothing at all. Hence it doesn't matter if they get you a tea towel or a wad of cash.

Saying 'No gifts but...' does not mean you want no gifts. It's saying that you do actually have a preference for what gift you want. If you genuinely had no preference, there's no need to qualify that statement!

Well it worked for us.

Of course it did...assumingly, you got cash as presents.

Which is what you asked for.

We didn't mention anything about gifts or money on our invitations because I think a few people really want to choose a gift (in my case older relatives and my more skint friends who could give something small but thoughtful) and the rest will give money anyway. I was right and that's exactly what happened! We got a range of amounts and some of them were £10. We appreciated everything we got because we know people will give what they can afford.

If i was you I'd make sure the card was beautiful, the message you write inside is heartfelt and personal and pop the £10 in, perhaps along with a photograph of the couple or you with the couple or something like a postcard with a poem or quote about marriage in. If you put a little time and thought into what you give, that's what they'll remember.

Have a lovely time

If you want to just put a tenner in a card - do it, and write a nice message.

Some people did that at ours, some people didn't get us anything at all including a card, and others didn't get us anything but did write a card saying they couldn't really afford a present. I really wasn't bothered and was just delighted that people had made the effort to attend.

If the bride and groom are nice people they will understand. If they're not and they don't, then it's no great loss anyway.

I'd assume they meant it, and the 'if you must' part is for people like my DM who wouldn't not give a gift. Saves them ending up with 5 billion tea towels.

Crikey, what a minefield. Basically, two friends are standing up in front of all their friends and family to express their love for each other, and their wish to be together.

Surely anything else, such as presents, money, even cards etc, is moot. Some people just put things on invitations because it's "the done thing". It's certainly why we put a gift list on ours - we spent ages agonising over the gift list options, trying to find things we'd actually use and need. Most of it was for our DD who was 6 months at the time! But honestly I really wouldn't have cared if anyone had bought something or not. It's the turning up that counts. If it came to choosing between a present or presence, I would go for presence every time.

I think it's really sad that we have come to this stage in life that people can't just have a simple wedding anymore.

I was also particularly touched by the person who gave us a tenner, knowing they could ill afford it, so really don't worry.

Why does everyone think they're asking for money? That's not what they said. I wish we'd put it that way. We told everyone we didn't want presents and still got given a load of stuff that we didn't want. They are just trying to forestall the bonkers "must give a gift" brigade and sensibly requesting cash if people refuse to take no for an answer. Doesn't mean they want your money.

This really op.

I had friends who said exactly the same (they even included it in a poem I gave money..because i could at the time. But our other close friend didn't because she couldnt at the time. Do you think my friend gave a fuck? No because we are friends. She just doesn't want her nan giving her a toaster or some hideous champagne glasses!

If they are both old friends and you have photos of them could you make a funny photo story about them for them as a nice card type thing. I also like the currency idea.

This is what grabby folk without the bollocks to sell tickets to their proxy wedding do. If you don't need gifts, then you don't need someone's money, either.

Give them a nice card.

No gifts but . . . Money for our pockets. If you don't want or need gifts, then list your fav charity for people to donate.

i would just not give anything but give a card

agree no one counts up who did and who didnt. although at mine a HUGE group of ex Uni mates didnt and i knew a lot of them could have afforded it

Now in the past I've taken this to mean the couple weren't bothered by gifts. However, I've been very wrong on one occasion that I know of and now have a cousin and his wife who don't speak to me because 'she doesn't make the effort so why should we'. I genuinely didn't think they would be affected by my lack of cash in their wedding card. Seems they were. TBH if they hadn't specified cash I might have found a token gift but I thought it would look stingy.

I'd talk to the bride, if she's a good friend or decent person she'll be flattered that you wanted to explain. I think the couple I offended might have reacted differently if I'd spoken to them first but their money poem specifically said they cared more about 'presence' than 'presents'. Clearly they didn't and now it's awkward.

We said no gifts, and meant it. We had a small wedding down in the West Country and we genuinely just wanted our guests' presence. People would be travelling down (though we paid accommodation) and we sincerely appreciated their taking the time (everyone stayed a couple of days as a wee break) and making the effort. And that's what we told them when they did enquire about gifts. That said, some still bought us presents, things which had such thought put into them that we wouldn't have dreamt of them in a million years, and which we still cherish today (or drank shortly after!)... These were a complete bonus though and we didn't think less of anyone who didn't bring a gift. We were all very close friends and family and that's what mattered to us. Personally, I'd struggle to not give a gift at a celebration so I do understand why some of our guests felt the same.

I'd assume they meant it. I'd be so upset if one of my friends skinted themselves out to buy a gift for me. If they take the huff with you, point them to their own invitation!

Completely off-topic, but OP what does your title mean? Is "ll y ll" some sort of secret code? Welsh? Llama?

I would feel absolutely mortified if I thought someone coming to my wedding felt like this

Please give a plant if that's what you want to do

I have gone to expensive weddings (ie expensive to attend) and not given a gift. Nobody I know would care.

I am getting married soon and I really really would be horrified to think people would feel they had to give a gift or had to downgrade hotel for the sake of giving m something!!!

Seriously only on mumsnet do people have to give gifts of x value when already spending large sums to attend

Give a small nice token u can afford and think no more about it

I wish it was a secret code!
what it actually means is, DS bashed my phone, I didn't realise until the,thread title appeared, and now I don't know how to change it.

I have found a rather amusing photo of myself and the bride looking hideous at a uni ball (think 90s grungey dresses and clompy shoes) which I plan on getting a copy of and giving her in a lovely frame.

I do worry, though, that she will be offended by the lack of cash. Haven't decided what i'm doing on that front yet - so many varying responses have thrown me!

Well, if you've known her since uni, and way back when dresses and boots were cool, then you've known her long enough to know how she will react, but surely at the same time, she's known you long enough to be happier with your presence than your present....?

I would think.

Haven't read the whole thread

but

we said this and meant it

but

a few friends made us some really meaningful things; a photo album, a painting, a cake, some sloe gin. These meant/mean far more than money. Maybe make something?

Yes to the photo! Even better, a lovely heart-ft note with it. That's the best present you could wish for, surely?
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