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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

214 replies

GrumpyInYorkshire · 16/02/2014 11:31

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

OP posts:
BuggedByJake · 16/02/2014 16:41

In a similar situation I have given a tenner. It's hard not to give anything when they mention cash on the invite.
We didn't have a wedding list & didn't mention gifts of cash in our invites. We did end up recieving some vouches & cash but certainly didn't expect it.

NearTheWindmill · 16/02/2014 16:42

Attending weddings is very expensive - if money was really tight and the wedding miles away, I really would send a gift and apologies.

SoulJacker · 16/02/2014 16:46

I can't really imagine that any friend would choose the gift if you told them you could attend or buy a gift but not both. I'd be horrified if any friend of mine didn't attend something only because they couldn't afford a gift.

hoarseoldfrog · 16/02/2014 16:48

I can't remember who didn't give me a present. I can remember who travelled across the country and stayed 2 nights to be with us on the day. I felt cheeky enough getting married at the end of the country, I really couldn't care that some people didn't get us presents

RedSaucePlease · 16/02/2014 16:49

I got married not long ago and did not have a gift list. I didn't request money either. I think people should understand that going to weddings can be really expensive and I would have hated to think anyone felt they had to get us anything. As it happens Some people did get us presents, some people gave us money and some people sent us lovely cards. I felt blessed that our friends came and that truly was all we wanted. If they are your friends then they will just be happy to see you.

SirChenjin · 16/02/2014 16:49

I would much, much rather have my friends and family at my weddings and big birthdays than receive a gift. Things are not important - the people who mean a lot to me are.

If I thought that someone that I really cared for was honestly considering not coming to my special day because they were worried about how they would afford a thing then I would be horrified and would be straight on the phone to reassure you of my priorities.

The old adage of "the people who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter" is certainly true in this case. If you're worried then I would phone your friend and explain your financial situation - she will not mind at all, I'm sure.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/02/2014 16:50

I have to admit I just don't get all this agony over what an invitation should say about gifts. To me, if it really is an invitation rather than the start of a bartering process, the answer is simple: nothing

Folks who want to give money will do so anyway
People who really prefer to give a wrapped gift won't want to change
Those who genuinely ask about preference can be told "money"
Gift registries at stores can help the undecided, if they ask
Finally, nobody is entitled to expect anything

Surely it's not so very difficult??

SingingGerbil · 16/02/2014 16:53

I have given a tenner before when I have been skint. Get a nice card and write something lovely in it. You are making a big effort to come and that should mean something.

waterrat · 16/02/2014 17:07

Windmill - I would be very upset if friends thought a gift was more important than attending my wedding - or more important than guests actually enjoying themselves , having somewhere nice to stay etc

I feel bad enough knowing how much people pay to travel to a wedding - that is enough of an imposition on guests

This gift obsession is out of control - the couple getting married should be grateful to have friends around them !

glasgowsteven · 16/02/2014 17:53

Sister in law and brother in law,

Been together ten years lived together for 8

Married last year

500k house in glasgow.

Both high flying lawyers

Wedding list from john lewis

Blue ray player.

I pod dock

I pad

Silver cutlery

Designer gravy boat

You can imagine

I bought the cheapest thing on list

6 quid

NearTheWindmill · 16/02/2014 17:57

See, we're all different - I'd be devastated if anyone thought I was mean. One of DH's uncles (the one with the merc and successful businesses) bought us a teapot for two (brown earthenware). I've always thought that was gross. The teatowels a recently divorced friend bought I still treasure even though they are threadbare. This was 23 years ago.

Homebirthquestion · 16/02/2014 17:59

We said it and included a gift list but meant it. We also included lots of cheap items on the gift list and my skintest friend got me a £5 pillow case from it.

I was delighted she got me anything.

I was one of these annoying people who got married abroad though....

Only you know if your friends are obnoxious or not.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2014 18:03

But they said no gifts. They can't claim someone is mean if they said no gifts. Want cash, have the balls to charge admittance for your wedding and be upfront about than piss about with 'no gifts, but cash will do,' or poems or a cyber equivalent of an outstretched palm so your guests can buy you a holiday.

SirChenjin · 16/02/2014 18:06

Windmill - the OP is not a successful business person with a Merc though. You give what you can afford - if you want to. The OPs friend has said no presents, but cash if you do want to give something. I bet she would be horrified to think that her close friend was worried about how she was going to afford to give something.

halfwildlingwoman · 16/02/2014 18:10

Stop worrying. A card is fine. They mean it.

lilola · 16/02/2014 18:12

Can't you stay one night instead of 2? Save £85? Or forgo the spa treatments/ boozy night and save a good few quid that way?

NearTheWindmill · 16/02/2014 18:14

SirChenjin that's why I also referred to my friend who bought a pack of tea towels.

PurplePidjin · 16/02/2014 18:22

I'm planning a wedding (well, when I get round to it Wink) and definitely mean No Presents.

I will be immensely grateful that all the (30 or so) people I plan to invite make the effort to come. I want to see them, to celebrate, and to buy them a lovely lunch in a pub somewhere after the (register office) ceremony. I'm deliberately planning a small, non-church (we attend regularly) wedding so that I can avoid people feeling obligated to stretch themselves further than they're comfortable. I will ask friends with children to buy them a nice outfit that suits them and they will wear again and they can come up the aisle as flower girls/page boys. If they want to. If the turn up in jeans, I'll still be chuffed to bits.

I'm planning a celebration of our marriage, not a Wedding Day extravaganza. I don't think you would be at all unreasonable for the effort you've made be the present, I would be delighted just to see you.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/02/2014 18:25

I think it translates to either "we dont trust your taste in gifts so we will have cash instead" or their attempt at trying not to sound grabby for wanting cash whilst actually being so.

I hate requests for cash, it would be more honest to charge an entry fee. If you have everything you need, then let a charity benefit. If you cant afford the huge wedding or honeymoon the save for longer rather then expect the guests to fund it.

MissBattleaxe · 16/02/2014 18:27

Can't you stay one night instead of 2? Save £85? Or forgo the spa treatments/ boozy night and save a good few quid that way?

It's a five hour drive. Why should they? I am sure the bride and groom won't be destitute without £30 in a card.

happygirl87 · 16/02/2014 18:28

I am getting married this year, in a rural location, and know it will be expensive for some guests. I have some friends coming who are very wealthy, and some who are broke. I will be chuffed to bits if people can give up their time and spend money coming, and certainly wouldn't care if they bought a present or not. I would love everyone (whether they can come or not) to buy or make a card or letter with a few nice words on- that would be more than enough for me.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2014 18:32

Then please say so, happygirl. I agree, HappyMum. If you don't need or want gifts, 'Donation to X charity in lieu of gifts.'

lilola · 16/02/2014 18:33

OP doesn't have to give anything but she's worried about looking stingy and saying they can't afford to give anything. They could afford to if they sacrificed something else. But of course they don't HAVE to do this / give anything. shrug. if she's worried about looking stingy, problem solved

MissBattleaxe · 16/02/2014 18:34

That's the spirit happygirl!

That's how I felt too. It was so nice that people gave up their time and money to attend that expecting any more is a bit of a cheek.

I certainly wouldn't refuse to attend a wedding if I couldn't take a gift. I think any bride and groom worth their salt would be appalled to think a guest would stay away out of shame that they can't cough up a £50 Thomas Cook voucher or some such on top of the cost of attending.

Defnotsupergirl · 16/02/2014 18:35

We really, really meant it. We didn't want stuff, cash or otherwise from our friends and family. Those that did - well in a way it was a little annoying (trying not to sound ungrateful) we did thanks for coming to our day cards anyway. Just we have our home already and didn't want people to feel obligated at all

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