To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

We got married in a place that meant all our guests had to travel (very small wedding) and requested no gifts. Some stuck to this, some didn't. We were actually a bit embarrassed to receive the gifts that we did because we knew we had put a financial pressure on by inviting them to attend. (As a side issue, everyone we invited did attend but wouldn't have been upset/offended if anyone had said they couldn't attend on cost grounds as we have had to decline invites on this basis in the past)

See, this is why we had a Penguin paperback book gift list. We didn't want people spending loads of money, but knew that people often want to give 'something'. Problem solved.

We meant it.
If not buying us a present was the difference between someone being able to come without worrying about money, vs either not coming, or coming and being stressed, we would take people every time.
We would be mortified to think our wedding caused any of our friends any stress beyond the usual logistics and what to wear.

I had people coming abroad etc for our wedding and we said presence rather than presents. And we meant it! We had already had a house filled with stuff plus stuff in storage. It many a lot that people were able to make it as far away from America or the outer highlands. All were pain in the arse journeys so the very least we could have done was put on a shin dig.

If you can't afford cash and have to go without elsewhere, how about something made (ex-neighbour made some church mice in bridal outfits) or a star named after them (free) and framed. It's the thought surely?

We certainly did! We really just wanted people there with us rather than presents. We did end up with a few and some money from relatives though. My sister in law made me open hers at the reception- she had bought us a lovely book so everyone could write a msg to us.That was really thoughtful and love to look at it from time to time.

nope you go along and enjoy the wedding. I certainly would not have expected gifts and I meant that presence was more importnant than presents. Ive said it again for my 4oth, if people are paying for a meal, I DO NOT expect or want a gift. I would have much rather had my friends at my wedding than money, money goes but seeing special people at your wedding is a memory that lasts for ever. Dont give a gift, you've spent enough.

I think often couples mean it. But I think the couple in the OP mean "cash please".

This business of having to second-guess what people actually mean on wedding invitations by no gifts/here's where to buy us a gift/you can give us cash drives me up the wall.

In my world, for those who don't actually need any more stuff, the gift list would be a grocery list with the stipulation of guests only being able to buy a single item.

We said no gifts. We meant NO gifts.

SO we had everyone we invited say "but really what do you want"..

We didn't want anything, but finally gave in and said photo frame to everyone as it was inexpensive.

We got a LOT of frames. Wish I had just said CASH

I can't get worked up about people asking. Most people want to bring a gift if they can

Some of my guests thought I'd underestimated the booze at our reception. Half a bottle of wine, a cocktail and half a bottle of prosesecco per person, anyway we ended up opening some of the bottles we'd been given and the hotel didn't charge us corkage so I was more greatful for the nice booze as it saved me a bar bill.

Really, mrsnec? . If they thought that it really should have been an indication that it was time to give their wallets an airing...

SO we had everyone we invited say "but really what do you want"

Yes, we had exactly the same. We said thanks, but we really don't want any gifts, just come and get pissed, dance and have a laugh with us. We had no gift list or anything like that but everyone still phoned and insisted on bringing something.

In the end, I said we had just redecorated and we were hoping to buy a new dining table and chairs, so if people really wanted to bring something vouchers for X store would be much appreciated but that was 'crass' and 'rude'. You can't win!

Yes, sadly it was true but I think weddings can bring out the worst in people. We didn't have to open the good stuff though, just trying to illustrate to the op that booze could be a good option in these circumstances if you don't want To turn up empty handed. So we kept the bolly for us but opened the campo viejo.

Lots of people don't want gifts they just want you there!but if the guest would like to give the couple something then cash as it can be put towards something they really want later.

It doesn't sound like they are actually asking for cash though.

We've just come home today from a cash wedding we gave £20 because we could but did not feel we had to.

I'd ignore the cash request and buy a gift that won't break the bank. One of our favourite wedding gifts was a rose called Wedding Day - I'm sure if you looked around you could find something similar. Or you could splash out on a really nice card and leave it at that?

"I would also hate to live up to the mean Yorkshire woman stereotype...!"

I think you have the wrong county .

Posters saying they don't want a load of stuff they don't like or can't use, does that follow with birthdays and Christmas as well so you say no gifts or just give me money?

We don't day no gifts for birthdays and Christmas but people generally know nor to give us stuff. The very close friends and family members usually give us something consumable or ask us of there is anything we need. Maybe if I get married I will set up a wedding list consisting of socks, wine, olives, salami and dark chocolate without nuts which are the things that anyone in a gift giving relationship knows I like.

I should just give up posting from my phone until I stop the constant typos.

If i were you, I'd take some pictures on the day and get a couple of the mugs that allow you to put a number of pictures on them.
Add some sachets of hot choc / nice coffee / small box of choc and post to them when they get back from honeymoon.
Fairly cheap and thoughtful.
We went to a wedding when we had very little money.we scraped together £25 for their card and the couple were genuinely surprised and grateful we had as we had travelled a distance and paid for hotels, etc.
If the couple are lovely, they wont mind or expect a gift.
Have a lovely break btw.

With birthdays and Christmas, we only really exchange gifts with my parents, brother and grandmother and they know my feelings on pot plants, entwined couple figurines and ornaments so don't buy them. We usually ask each other what we want and buy accordingly, or give money/vouchers - no one ever has an attack of the vapours if someone says, actually, I'd love some cash to put towards x/y or z

With most family/friends we just buy for each other's kids

I really would just take them at their word and just buy a nice card.

A nice bottle of plonk if you feel that you really must take something

If you don't need stuff, the you don't need cash to buy more stuff, either. Ask for donations to charity instead.

The business in N. America of thinking the gift should be equivalent to the close of the food and drink, just charge admission instead. A lot of my parents' friends have stopped going to the weddings of friends' grandchildren to which they were invited because of this touting for cash and labelling those who give them £50 'cheap' as they are all pensioners on limited and fixed incomes.

My mum had one 'save the date' and the bride's gran made it clear the bride was looking for around $200/guest! As a 'gift'. My mom tore it up. My mum and day's 50th wedding anniversary is that month and they will be spent g that much for a night in a nice hotel with dinner. As my mom said, 'That kind of money and I don't get to choose exactly what food I eat or the wine I drink? I don't think so.'

Can't afford a swank wedding, don't have one. Can't afford a honeymoon with dual massages and champagne breakfasts? Don't have one.

Buy them a nice picture frame from TK Maxx to go with their card don't worry about the cash thing

We said it and meant it, but we didn't qualify it with any, 'but if you reeeeeeally want to get us something, yada, yada', ambiguity.

Our wedding was on the other side of the world though, and the idea that people might feel obliged to also buy us presents made me feel dreadful. People did still buy us presents, but we really truly genuinely did not want or expect them, and WERE just delighted if people even came.

I think all the suggestions at the start of the thread to scrimp and save and cut back on the day, go to a cheaper hotel (which it turns out they thankfully can't do anyway) are terrible! Why should the OP go without on the wedding weekend just so that the B&G can get an extra £30 in their card, when they're already having a wonderful day?!

I'd be aghast at the thought of any guests making cutbacks to their weekend away for our wedding, just so that we could have a few £$€ extra in our gift.