To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

Some fab charities about!

Actually I can say hand on heart, the most used gift we received was a picture of us drawn and painted by our flower girl that her mum had heavily laminated to be used for messy jobs on our table. It had me dressed in my princess dress with her version of what a prince should look like! A3 paper laminated! :-)

We had a similar situation last year. We decided to spend the first night in a travel lodge about 45mins away from the venue which was pretty cheap (about £25 I think). We then spent the night of the wedding at the venue which was £110. We put some of the savings into the card, they had asked for cash towards their honeymoon and we gave them £40. Yes it would have been nicer to just stay at the nice hotel for two nights but it didn't make a huge difference and saving money was our priority.

When we got married we asked for donations to two charities as we'd already lived together and didn't want / need anything for setting up home, but a few people wanted to give us a gift. 8 years on and the orchids we were given are still going strong, and I love them. I don't think you need to give money, but I lovely house plant is a nice gesture or if you are arty could you make the newly weds a gift, one of our friends is an artist and gave us a really stunning picture. If people say they require your presence not presents then I think a small gift or homemade gift is ideal! Do they have a garden? Asda are doing fruit trees which would be a fab gift for them, or what about the rose called wedding day? I am sure you will find other people have given small gifts as not everyone wants to give money!

Windmill - I know you did, but your earlier post was about being concerned that you seem mean. I'm presuming that you meant that your rich relative should have given you more than a teapot, and that he was mean by not doing so. The OP is not rich, but is worried about not giving anything - when in fact, the most important thing is to be present to share in the special day, not what you give in the way of monetary value

I didn't ask for presents but said if prior really wanted to we would put donations towards whale watching on honeymoon. Some people did and some people didn't, we were very happy with all the cards we received and especially at the friends who came to celebrate with us which was much more important! Any money we were given was just a huge bonus which we were very grateful for!

To add, we only put that caveat in because peoplekept sing what we wantedand didn't believe us when we said nothing

Some people mean it, some people don't.

It depends what these people are normally like.

Personally when we get married we don't decline gifts but wont be expecting them. I'd probably be surprised if close family didn't get something (money towards honeymoon, gift card, new something for the house) but certainly friends or more distant relatives I wouldn't expect anything from. If they got me something I wouldn't refuse it, but wouldn't mention it either because I don't see why they should make the effort to come up and then have to get me a gift. Surely by being there they are sending me there congratulations and how happy they are for me?

I might just be one of very few who would be really happy to see an old friend and just have their company. If they wanted to get me something if they felt bad I'd much prefer a plant, or a homemade card, or even as one of my friends had - some freshly baked brownies that morning!

But it depends really on the people as I said above.

We have a 'your presence is most important, but....' Type message and it's most definitely true. People will be staying as we are from locations 100 miles apart and then live somewhere 100 miles in other direction. However we know that some people want to give a present (as I generally do even if I'm staying over etc) but some people can't afford to / don't want to and that's fine too! Don't give what you can't afford op.

If the greedy buggers happy couple genuinely meant that claptrap about your presence being more valuable than your presents; they wouldn't have been vulgar enough to mention cash in the same sentence . THEY WANT MONEY AND THEY'RE NOT AFRAID TO ASK FOR IT!
I'd give them a toaster.

Lilola - I don't know where you got that we were spending money on spa treatments. Perhaps my OP wasn't clear, but by "spa" I meant "using pool and steam room in fancy hotel." We are broke. As I saud before, I have saved for several months for DH and I to attend this wedding. We cannot afford massages and the like - merely using the jacuzzi or whatever is a big treat for us. I'm sorry this wasn't clearer.

Similarly, by "boozy night" - this will probably just be a bottle of wine or two smuggled into the room, but the reason we are really, really looking forward to it is because we know,for the first time in more than a year, we won't be woken by a small person demanding our attention.

I am really saddened by the person who said I should have started at £50 for the gift and worked backwards. Is this really how people think? If so, I'm all the more glad I had a "no gifts" wedding. I would have hated people thinking there was some sort of £50 minimum spend.

Anyway, the upshot of all this is that we're going to be putting money in the card. I know I can't really afford it. We will go without elsewhere. But there are enough posters here who think that it would be rude and mean spirited not to, for me to feel stingy if I didn't.

I would also hate to live up to the mean Yorkshirewoman stereotype...!

That is so sad - I'm so sorry that some of the posters made you feel this way

Hope you have a lovely weekend anyway

Grumpy. I really think you are overthinking this. They said they want you not your money, just give a lovely card and enjoy the wedding.

What do you think your friend would want you to do?

Ps, out of curiosity, did she get you a present for your wedding ???

I'll bet your friend would be horrified to know you put money you couldn't afford in a car. I think she's cheeky to even me tigon this, 'no gifts, but oh, your money is fine.'

Don't give her but a card. No gifts means that, cash, though is just taking the piss and making your guests feel bad after you threw this wedding you knew would cost your guests a lot.

If you don't need or want gifts, 'Donation to X charity in lieu of gifts'

If gifts are going to be mentioned at all, that's actually a nice idea; trouble is, among the blizzard of ghastly "money poems" it isn't seen very often

Funny that ...

Hi grumpy, I really don't think you need to give a donation, I liked your idea of second hand books, gifts ar so much nicer than money coz you have put thought into! But the very fact you are going and making the effort is a gift in itself.

no, starting at the gift and working backwards is bonkers, because that's the optional part of attending, the petrol costs, the hotel costs aren't optional, yes you could get up at sparrow's fart to get there on the day, but you'll have a crap time at this wedding and probably want to leave the wedding party early because yo'ud be knackered, hardly the sparkling company the B&G probably are looking forward to!

I would assume "no gifts, but if you must, cash" means "don't give us stuff! We don't want any more crap, no matter how heartfelt" - so please, please, please ignore anyone suggesting anything to do with a photo frame or other nicknacks, they are obviously trying to avoid being given nicknacks. This is one of my bug bares for wedding gift threads on here, if someone doesn't have a list or asks for cash, the view seems to be that getting them something that isn't practical that they have to display is what you should go for.

Personally, I hate it when people buy me things like vases and photo frames because unlike mugs or saucepans, I have to put this stuff on display, if I want to put things on display, I want to pick them myself. It's one thing having stuff you wouldn't pick yourself but is practical so you use it without thinking about it's style, however ornements should be picked by the householders.

I think a lot of couples who say they don't want gifts really mean they have no space for stuff, and they don't want to have to make space for stuff that's not to their taste. Cash is OK because at least they can get something they want/need later, even if there's nothing now.

OP - go, have a great time. If you aren't going on holiday this year, treat it as your holiday and enjoy yourself. Give a card though, I treasured every one of those.

We said it, we meant it.

I didn't get married to get 'stuff ' or money, I got married in order to be married.

I plan on putting something similar in our invitations. I absolutely so not expect people to spend time and money coming to our wedding and buy gifts too. But as I know some people will insist on getting presents then might well include a gift list reference. I would hate to think people were worrying about the cost of a gift. But equally don't want to end up with lots of random stuff.

If they don't mean it they shouldn't write it. If you want to her something how about a Tenner on a bottle of wine? That doesn't tend to hand round too long.

I think a lot of couples who say they don't want gifts really mean they have no space for stuff, and they don't want to have to make space for stuff that's not to their taste. Cash is OK because at least they can get something they want/need later, even if there's nothing now

This

Exactly, for us. There was nothing we needed, and we had no space for things anyway.

Close family took photos and gave us a pic in a nice frame

We didn't ask for cash, just never occurred. It is so bloody expensive to attend a wedding I'd feel embarrassed asking someone to shell out yet more money.

MaryWescot - I agree about the ornaments! In laws insisted on getting us a token gift so we've ended up with a hideous glass heart thing we now have to keep on the mantlepiece!

I think you sound like a genuinely thoughtful and good friend, who has planned and saved for your friends wedding.

I think your gift ideas of a plant or secondhand books sounds great, I for one would have been thrilled to have been gifted these and I would go with either of these options. Otherwise you will end up putting money which you can't afford but feel obliged to give in a card. The gifts are from the heart and full of love and that is what should be shared.

Go and enjoy your weekend, rejoice in your friends marriage, relax in the jacuzzi and your blissful uninterrupted lie in...

If you don't need gifts, then it goes to follow you don't need cash, either or to tout for it in a wedding invite so people like the OP feel obligated to give what they cannot afford.

It is always tacky to mention cash as a gift.

You don't want 'stuff', fine, charities can really make do with any donations, they don't say how much the guest gave so there's no embarrassment there, you don't have stuff not to your taste in your space, win-win.

I think the photo + frame idea sounded great!