To wonder if a couple that say "your presence is more important to us than your presents" actually mean it?lly ll

[GrumpyInYorkshire]

Yep, it's another wedding-related one. Sorry.

Next weekend DH and I are going to an old friend's wedding, some five hours' drive from home. We are looking forward to it very much - it's in a beautiful part of the UK and it will also be the first time we've left DS for two nights in a row (lie ins! Boozy nights! Time in the spa! Bliss).

However. I'm in a bit of a tizz about a wedding gift, as we simply can't afford it on top of everything else.

We have very little money and will be spending an awful lot of cash we don't have on getting to this wedding and staying in a fancy hotel for two nights. This £300 or so on petrol and accommodation - plus, presumably, drinks and meals on top over the weekend - is cash we shouldn't really be spending.

While we are not utterly skint, as we have food in the fridge and petrol in the car, we have nothing left over each month. We will not, for example, be going on holiday this year. We also won't be doing birthday/ Christmas presents for each other, as we didn't last year, as we can't afford it. We have no savings, don't eat out and spend the last week of each month existing on beans or eggs on toast - but I accept we are in a much better financial situation than some.

To afford this wedding, therefore, I have set a little aside each month since we got the Save the Date.

Now, looking at the invitation this morning, it's one of those "your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please." Well, words to that effect, didn't want to quote verbatim.

We can't afford to give a decent sum of cash (say £30) in the card. Not after spending so much on getting there. And I wonder if I put, say £10, in, it would look more stingy than giving them nothing at all.
If there wasn't the instruction to give cash then I would probably buy them a nice plant, some interesting second-hand books, or similar. But now I worry that this would again look stingy.

On the invitation it says all this about "presence" being more important than "presents" - but AIBU to wonder if couples who put this on invitations actually mean it?

When DH and I got married we didn't mention gifts on the invitations as we didn't want guests to feel like they should buy something. The mention of gifts makes me think that they do expect something, that that something is cash, and that we will look very tight indeed if we don't cough up.

Help please!

(Sorry for length, didn't want to drip feed...)

Whoever it was that said they didn't ask for cash, they did!

"your presence is more important to us than your presents - however if you do want to give us a gift can it be cash please."

I would just give a card in this situation. Or you could always offer to make a small donation to the charity of their choice. I can't imagine why adults would expect to be given gifts in this day and age - unless they have had terrible luck then surely they can afford to buy the things that they want for themselves.
If they take offence and don't speak to you again, well at least they will have shown their true colours.

I'd love a photo like that! I'd far rather get that as a gift than money. Anyone offended by a lack of a cash gift is rather missing the point of sharing your marriage celebration with friends, no?

Our friends got us a watercolour painting of the coast near our wedding venue - not hugely expensive but just a brilliant and thoughtful present. It hangs in our bedroom and makes me smile every day.

Go ahead with your idea and make the bride smile.

They mean it. A friend missing a wedding because they couldn't afford a present, its sad.

I got such invitation to a birthday of an elderly person. He really does not need anymore stuff as he has accumulated over his lifetime.

We asked for charity donations for our wedding but we still got some lovely gifts too, only small bits but much appreciated. I can understand not wanting to be overloaded with towels, crockery etc but really who actually dislikes presents? Nice things that wouldnt have cost a fortune included, a good bottle of wine, a lovely hand painted horse shoe, a scrap book with a nice cover, a photo album for snaps of the day, a lovely plant for the garden. All really thoughtful presents.

We live in the SE and because DH is a northerner have been to many weddings in the North of England (a 4 to 6 hour drive away). When planning to attend didn't you start with the overall budget which should have included £50 for a present regardless of what the bride and groom put on the invitation and work backwards?

If I had been doing this trip on a budget of £300 I'd have deducted the present money £50 and then worked with the £250 left. Diesel for a 600 mile round trip in my car would be about £80 leaving £170.

To be perfectly honest if you leave at 6am (is there a reason why you can't drop your child with your parents the night before?), even London to Durham, on a Saturday morning there won't be much traffic for the first two to three hours and you should be able to break the back of the journy by 9am and stop for a coffee en-route (you could pack sandwiches to keep costs down ). Arrive at your hotel by 12/1 having arranged for a quick change and get to the wedding on time. Difficult I admit if it's a ridiculously early wedding.

That would justify the nice hotel near the wedding so you can have a drink or three. Have a lie in in the morning, lovely breakfast and get on the road by 10.30am.

£170-85 = £85 left over to buy a round of drinks or two at the wedding. If you only stay for one night presumably you shouldn't have spend very much at all on meals out. Packed lunch for journey, wedding breakfast/buffet and breakfast next day for the b&b. Should have £30 quid over for a nice meal for two and a bottle of wine the following weekend or a jolly nice family roast.

But then DH and I are very very careful.

Good grief. OP gets blame, ooh, you shoulda saved a bit more, you shoulda spent less on you and more on the, bride and groom get blame, grabby, grabby money sentence.

What if.... wait for it... OP wants to enjoy her friends wedding and not worry about the cost, just relax and be at her friend's special day? What if bride and groom really appreciate and want that, but, knowing some people can't resist giving presents, have asked for cash so they can buy whatever they like?

What of it is all just normal, to be taken at face value, no mystery?

Just suppose, what if.....?

OP, have a lovely weekend, relax and enjoy every minute of it.

I like zipzaps ideas!

And at the risk of sounding like a do-gooder, if brides and grooms really, genuinely don't want gifts or cash then Oxfam do a wedding list. I'm sure many other organisations could use a donation in lieu.

I am sure most people mean it but just add the 'cash bit' as so many people thing (esp. judging by the thread here ) that they have to give a present. We had a very quiet wedding, made it absolutely clear that we didn't want presents and we didn't get any.

Equally for DS's christening we wrote it clearly on the invitation but still were given some presents which we really, really did not want or need.

I can't believe genuine friends will even think twice about whether or not you give cash/present or nothing and if they do then is their friendship really worth worrying about?

To be honest, I'd either give a cash gift or give nothing at all. The idea of giving the framed photo is nice but this type of gift is exactly the reason the bride and groom included the message in the invitations. Presumably it will still cost you approx. £10 for the frame so just give that instead of the photo.

'But then, DH and I are very very careful.'

See, OP, you are just feckless and stupid! There is always a way to magic up a large sum of money, you're just not 'careful' enough .

Give her the framed photo and the card.

If you don't need gifts, then it goes to follow that you don't need to cash, either.

I don't see why the grief Expat. If you accept a wedding invitation surely the cost of a present is the first thing you set aside as part of the budget everything else follows and if you can't afford the whole package you still send the present - no?

No. And no, I don't send a present if we don't go. Why should a guest who can't afford to give cash not go? Aren't they being asked to celebrate, or to give a gift.

I would take them at their word .

However , if you feel really troubled by the idea of taking nothing, then something like a bottle of prosecco in a pretty bag is likely to be appreciated, and supermarkets often have offers.

Alternatively, if you are a bunch of uni friends, could you collaborate and put together a photobook from the group of you ? Or take photos of the wedding and put them into an album or photobook ( one of the most memorable things we received was a set of photos on the doormat when we returned from honeymoon) .

When Dh and I got married we were aware of travel and accommodation costs and specifically stated no gifts please. We wanted those we loved to be there and enjoy and not to worry about the extra costs. Nearly everyone bought us a bottle of champagne and a few other gifts which were very much appreciated and unexpected. I thoroughly enjoyed months of post wedding bubbly!

I feel it's a bit rude asking for cash, they said no gifts so which is it?

I think that the photo is a lovely idea and no more is needed than that. It will make her smile I am sure.
Don't do the tenner, just a lovely card, message about 'memories' maybe and the thoughtful photo.
Enjoy the hotel and wedding and Relax!

This may have already been suggested, I didn't read all the responses. I'd do something along the lines of inviting them for a lovely meal at your place, once they are back from honeymoon and spoil them that way. Explain in the card that you can't afford a gift, but really look forward to spending some quality time with them once they are back from honeymoon. Then spend hours sitting through their honeymoon pics, wedding vid and generally saying how wonderful they are (provided you think that of course!). Be inventive with ways to treat them that don't cost a fortune when they visit...? Such as getting fish and chips and poshing up room while you eat, making them making them breakfast in bed if they stay over etc?

You could put in a lovely note saying you have made a donation to charity on the couples behalf. They won't know how much for

I think they'd like some cash but don't want to appear too grabby. And they know that people expect/want to give something.

I think people half mean it but still probably deep down would like a gift of some sort. I think no matter how much it costs you to go to the wedding you should take a gift of some sort. Because most people will.

We didn't ask for presents at our wedding. We meant it. A couple of people bought presents anyway, which was very nice (most didn't). But we didn't expect presents at all.

I would take your friends at their word and simply give them a card. I would be very surprised if they are somehow offended by this.

Blimey windmill that is absolutely bonkers - they want their friends there to celebrate - the war you describe it the gift is more important than the actual wedding or having all your friends at your special day!

Madness! I am getting married soon and I would think any friend of mine had lost their mind if they thought like that. My overriding aim for the day is to make a commitment in front of friends and families - and for me to treat them to a lovely day - presents come absolutely nowhere in my priorities as a bride.

I've never given a gift at any wedding I've attended. Nobody has disowned me yet