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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:

merrymouse · 14/02/2014 19:39

Loads of people dip in and out of part time/full-time work and being a SAHP and everyone's experience of being a SAHP is different depending on how much support they have and ages and numbers of children. I have done all three and I don't think my experience of any of these roles is more or less valid than somebody else's - we have different lives.

usuallyright · 14/02/2014 19:40

no, lets go. I'm not usual suspect.
I've been asked before if I'm usual. Think its time to change my username before I create confusion!

OrangeFizz99 · 14/02/2014 19:40

bark - you have one small child. You are generalizing way beyond your experience. Exactly what you accuse your friend of doing.

Sleepyhead33 · 14/02/2014 19:40

It is a different kettle of fish. You have the luxury of being able to be a sahm, for mothers who have to (rather than want to) go back to work after mat it's leave-Ml can be a very bittersweet time.
Perhaps these women were trying to find common ground-relate to you. Don't judge them for it because they perhaps (without knowing individual circumstances) didn't have the luxury of being able to stay at home with their child long term but consider themselves to have had the sahm experience while on ml.

zipfork · 14/02/2014 19:41

'Raising' is a very emotive and sweeping word to use if you really only meant 'look after on weekdays' .

merrymouse · 14/02/2014 19:41

Also everybody's plans are subject to fate.

randomAXEofkindness · 14/02/2014 19:42

"it's not half as annoying as wohms who say they do everything a sahm does plus a full days work."

I agree with that usuallyright, it's offensive and it doesn't make any sense.

Op, even the people you would consider sahm have different circumstances, don't they? I stay at home with a 5, 3, and 1 yr old, no school, no nursery, no childminders. My circumstances are quite different to the mum who lunches while her teenager is at boarding school aren't they? Is she still a sahm because she's uneployed? But then the mum who stay's at home for 6 months looking after her new baby all day isn't a sahm because she will go back to work at some point? How would you decide who 'qualified'? It would be a minefield.

If anybody asks me: I look after the kids all the time and I'm self employed, doing a bit here and there where I can. That gives people an accurate picture of my circumstances. I've known people who put their baby in the cm's 8am-6pm and fucked about on-line all day. They say they're sahm's. I don't use sahm or wahm etc, those terms tell people very little about your actual situation. It isn't black and white enough for you to pigeon hole people. Why does it matter to you so much?

holidaywoe · 14/02/2014 19:44

Don't care who roasts me over this but, and I'm basing this on having children without SN before you start, being a SAHM is a piece of piss compared to working full time. It annoys me when people post those facebook posts about the jobs they do being a SAHM and how much they would get paid if they were doing it as a job.
I work full time and often have to walk away from parents at school events when they start moaning about how they are so busy in the day especially when their kids are at school!!

Original poster

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:45

My older two are at preschool. My youngest isn't old enough, but will go in the summer.

I have obviously put this very badly, and I apologise for upsetting people. I really don't think it is harder to be a SAHM at all - quite the opposite. I chose to be a SAHM, and it is my preference, and I realize that I am very lucky to be able to choose that.

I still think it is very different to being on mat leave. If you meet someone with a small baby and ask if they work, they will always say "I'm on mat leave until July". I have never heard someone in that position claim to be a SAHM - so I suppose I am surprised when people then tell you later it is the same experience as being a SAHM.

OP posts:

Sleepyhead33 · 14/02/2014 19:45

Hmmm, so when you 'delegate' responsibility for your child's education to the school for 7hours a day, you won't be raising them? I am a teacher and ( much as I adore my class) certainly don't think of myself as raising other people's children! They all have parents. How odd.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 14/02/2014 19:45

The implication of saying things like 'knowing you could go back to work any time' makes it sound like work is a desirable thing and therefore SAHMs have made a big sacrifice in leaving their careers. I'm a professional but I would leave my career gladly, in a heartbeat, without a moment's regret to raise my children if there was any way that we could afford to live without my salary. I will be on my second maternity leave in a few weeks time and will be looking after my toddler (who does attend pre-school in the afternoons) plus new baby. The prospect of returning to work after nine months will be a millstone round my neck and a source of anxiety and misery. I would love to 'make the proactive choice' to stay at home, but resent the implication that just because I'm forced to go back to work, somehow I won't be raising my own children or that I can't imagine the life of a SAHM.

Quangle · 14/02/2014 19:45

errr, they do know what your life is like...because they are also mums to small children and have also been at home with small children. They may even be at home with them in the evenings and weekends or is that different somehow?

What do you want them to say? "Oh my goodness I have no idea what it is to look after a small child all day. How does it actually work?".

Weird thread.

AbiRoad · 14/02/2014 19:45

I thought I had a good comparison but actually I am not sure which way it goes. I WOH and it could be viewed as a choice as DH also WOH and we could (with a bt of re-prioritising) live on his salary (although I earn more). A few years back he was made redundant and was out of work for about 6 months. I knew it would be temporary becuase DH is well qualified (and he was in a position to be fussy about what he took becuase I was working). I must say, though, that working during that period as the sole breadwinner felt completely different -I felt much more pressure feeling like I was working becuase i "had to" rather than through choice.
On the one hand I would say that I definitely know what it is like to feel the pressure of being the sole financial provider even though it was temporary. So I dont think the fact that something is temporary prevents you understanding what it is like to be in that situation On the other hand, I think two people doing the same thing (being at home with baby in the OP example and WOH in my example) can be completely different depending on the circumstances.
SO I am not sure what side of the debate that example supports!

JaquelineHyde · 14/02/2014 19:46

OP could you please enlighten us all as to how long you have to be at home with your children to qualify as a SAHP?

What about career breaks? These can last for a year or two would this do or do you discount that as well because there is a job waiting for the parent at the end of the break?

How about someone who went back to work part time after maternity leave do they qualify as a SAHP or does your criteria specify on that as well.

Original poster

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:46

OrangeFizz I have 3 small children - but I'm not sure I understand your point?

OP posts:

Quangle · 14/02/2014 19:46

If this is actually about regret at giving up a career then say that it's about that - not about women having a perfectly normal chat about being a SAHM.

merrymouse · 14/02/2014 19:46

It isn't black and white enough for you to pigeon hole people

Exactly.

tethersend · 14/02/2014 19:46

What if you're a childminder?

BrianTheMole · 14/02/2014 19:47

I had 3 years off with my second child, but I had a job to go back to because I reached an agreement with my employer. Does that mean I wasn't a sahm then?

wordfactory · 14/02/2014 19:47

But these days there are lots of parents who dont use childcare but work flexibly arouynd their DC.

Clearly they are working and earning, but they are also fullfilling the function of the SAHP.

Presumably they're not allowed to empathise with either WOHMs or SAHMs because they're not technically either .

Original poster

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:48

sleepyhead33 I know both these mums pretty well and have been to their homes etc. Both are quite explicit that they have made career choices to return to work rather than from economic necessity iyswim. I do understand that women feel under pressure not to lose their place on the career ladder. That was an issue for me too.

OP posts:

Quangle · 14/02/2014 19:49

what exactly is your problem with them OP?

maillotjaune · 14/02/2014 19:49

Well Bark I'm not really offended if I'm honest, just depressed to see the same old stuff dragged out again.

My older two are at school but I still raise them. My youngest is in school nursery but I don't only raise him in the afternoons.

I don't think you can magically find a phrase that will make your opinions more pleasing to me because from your explanations you do seem to think I'm not doing some of the 'raising' whereas I see a decision to use childcare, or indeed school (as oppose to HEing) is just choosing to raise in a different way. And yes I appreciate nor everyone has a real choice.

OrangeFizz99 · 14/02/2014 19:49

Oh sorry! The laying it on about no napping etc made me assume you only had one!

You are being silly though.

Poor you and your sahm life. Aww.

BrianTheMole · 14/02/2014 19:50

Wheres the cut off op? At what point does someone qualify as a sahm? 1 year? 2 years? 3? More?

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