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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mercibucket · 14/02/2014 20:04

mat leave lasts up to a year
you can have 2 or more mat leaves back to back
then the kids go to school
looks pretty much the same to me up until school age

this is about the nursery place! mum at home, older child in nursery
guess what? lots of sahp with enough cash do that too!

Feartheescalator · 14/02/2014 20:04

I was on maternity leave for a year with DD1 and for 18 months with DD2 a few years later. I think that gave me a good idea of what is like to be a SAHM - bloody hard work but amazing. Not quite sure why OP is trying to create this 'them vs us' situation

wordfactory · 14/02/2014 20:04

Not necessarily cake

A lot of couples are working flexibly these days and doing drop off and collecting between them.

letsgotostonehenge · 14/02/2014 20:04

I think you're right usuallyright Grin

DriftingNameChanger · 14/02/2014 20:06

I think if its bothered you enough for an AIBU its time to sit elsewhere at toddler group.

Unfortunately SAHM v WOHM seems to be happening more and more. Shame really.

morethanpotatoprints · 14/02/2014 20:07

Bark

Do people not do the jobs a sahp does and get paid then?
in that case childcare is free, so why do people moan that its expensive.
Ah, I'll just get a free taxi. Ironing and washing services presumably free too, and cleaners and cooks Grin
Of course they would be paid for it the same as any other worker would.
The difference is they do it for free, voluntary. Hopefully, with a healthy split between oh.

scottishmummy · 14/02/2014 20:07

Housewife/working mums is a mn perennial always has been
Not on rise as isn't in the decline

bishbashboosh · 14/02/2014 20:08

Weird

Philoslothy · 14/02/2014 20:08

I do subcontract some childcare we have a part time nanny/ home help. However that does not mean that I do not do the things that I did as a SAHM. I work about three hours a night while my children are asleep and do chores in the morning while they are asleep.

I cannot think anything that I did as a SAHM that I don't do now as a WOHP - apart from do the school run with the youngest.

Welshwabbit · 14/02/2014 20:10

Bark, I can see your point, in that I used to work part-time (and full-time in school/university holidays) as a supermarket cashier. I thoroughly enjoyed it because I knew I wasn't always going to be a supermarket cashier. Had I known I would be doing it always, I suspect I would have felt very differently about it.

Similarly, when I was off on "maternity leave", I knew I was going back to work (although it wasn't entirely straightforward for me, as I am self-employed, so no maternity pay and I had to build up my (law) practice again when I returned.

So I agree that being off on maternity leave is not the same as being what you would call a "SAHM". Equally, though, I'm not sure precisely what your friends have said to get you so upset. You said in your post that: "more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couple of years ago". That's really unclear. It could mean that they said they have an idea of what it's like to stay at home with your kid(s) - which of course they do. It could mean that they've said they know exactly what your life is like - which of course they don't, and nor does anyone else. Sounds to me as though they were just trying to empathise/make conversation and you may have taken what they said the wrong way.

wordfactory · 14/02/2014 20:10

But working parents do childcare, give lifts, cook, clean etc

DH is, as we speak, doing taxi service. It's not his job.

HadABadDay2014 · 14/02/2014 20:10

The on,y thing I don't do as a wohm is the morning school run.

I still do everything else.

gilliangoof · 14/02/2014 20:13

I'm a sahm. I suppose the mentality is different as you make the choice to give up your career. Day to day maternity leave and being at home are the same. I have 3 preschoolers. I really don't think any distinction is necessary or important.

I did envy sahps when I was on my second mat leave before I decided I wasn't going back. I suppose I must have thought there was an important distinction then. I envied them knowing they would not be leaving their child.

zipfork · 14/02/2014 20:13

The OP seems to be judging her friends for not having tried hard enough to be SAHMs. If these friends refer in any way to understanding what it's like to be a SAHM, even slightly, as a result of maternity leave, she disapproves because she sees it as them trying to claim they are in some way as good as a SAHM (when they should of course realise that they are ideologically inferior parents who only played at being SAHMs for a few months before opting out of raising their children themselves).

I'm not sure that knowing (or not) what it's like to be at home all day with a small child has really got much to do with this. I think from the OPs earlier post it's more about whether or not someone is entitled to compare their experiences to those of a SAHM without the correct philosophy or ideology of parenting underlying those experiences.

TheSumofUs · 14/02/2014 20:13

What a horrible thread

Women attacking each other to prove that their life is harder and/or better than the other, and therefore more superior

IME Most women have no choice - they work in or outside the home - it's rarely a buffet of options - and if you did have that luxury, more power to you for making the choice that was right for you and your family

When my husband was made redundant when I was pregnant all my ideas went out the window

You have to look after your family - you do that the best way you can

Making someone feel crap to make yourself feel better is rather insecure and selfish

As women we are supposed to stand together and draw on each other's strength

Shame

morethanpotatoprints · 14/02/2014 20:13

word

I know this, I also know that wohp's raise their dc too.
I was responding to the post where it was suggested that these jobs wouldn't be waged.

WidowWadman · 14/02/2014 20:14

So what is your life like OP that people who return to work after SAHMing for 39 weeks don't understand? If you're not happy with it, why not change something about it rather than talking down other people's life choices?

Philoslothy · 14/02/2014 20:16

I don't think that choosing the hardest life is in any way morally superior. Seems a bit daft to me.
I have always tried to choose the path of least resistance, hence choosing a job with 12 weeks holiday a year!

Life would be easier if I was a SAHM but I like nice shoes and handbags. I also like my job.

Preciousbane · 14/02/2014 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PooroldJumbo · 14/02/2014 20:20

I don't know what camp I'm supposed to be in. I woh an average of two and half days a week. Some weeks I work quite a few days other times I don't work at all for a week. I don't use any child care. So I do know full well what it is like to care for pre-school children by myself all day for day after day. I also know what it is like to juggle a demanding job and home.

I have some friends who are sahm, some who work full time and some who work part time all of their lives and experiences are different to each other and to me. I wouldn't be irritated if any of them thought they had an insight to my life.

WidowWadman · 14/02/2014 20:20

(I'm just glad that both the SAHPs and WOHPs I know in real life don't have these ishoos but are happy for other people to just live their lives however the fuck they won't without taking it as a comment on their own choices.)

brooncoo · 14/02/2014 20:21

Surely being at home with your baby or child for 9 months makes you a SAHM for that period - I'm really confused.

I've been a SAHM for nearly 12 years now - does that give me dibs on anyone who has been a SAHM for less time? Being a SAHM to school age children is a piece of piss TBH.

Philoslothy · 14/02/2014 20:21

Most people will fall in both camps over their life time which is why attacking one another is just daft,

Babymamaroon · 14/02/2014 20:23

YABU. I've had 2 years of mat leave in total so feel I am 100% qualified to know exactly what being a SAHM I like.

zipfork · 14/02/2014 20:24

"I suppose I think being a SAHM is about making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself. It is a lifestyle choice, because I have had to choose between doing this, and doing something else. It consumes all my time for years - not for a few weeks/months. It is huge."

Day to day experiences could be identical, but the OP seems to feel you can't compare them if the proactive decision to be a SAHM, and the higher moral purpose of raising your children yourself, aren't there.

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