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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OrangeFizz99 · 14/02/2014 19:02

Did you have a job before children? Do you think you know what it's like to work?

I think of my mat leave as my attempt at being a sahm.

TiredFeet · 14/02/2014 19:02

Yabu, and not really sure why this would annoy you anyway

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:02

You're not a SAHM if you're on mat leave.

That would be like saying you're unemployed because you've taken a month off, or disabled because you've broken your leg and will need a crutch for a few weeks.

You have a job to go back to, and you're only having a very limited time off, and you can go back at any point... and you're surrounded by peers where most professional women with young babies are also on mat leave.. and looking after a newborn/smalll baby isn't much like looking after an active toddler every day, for week after week...

Not at all simialr, I don't think.

OP posts:
OrangeFizz99 · 14/02/2014 19:04

And again, second or third mat leave with older children very much like being a sahm and harder than having one toddler!

LingDiLong · 14/02/2014 19:04

Why on earth does it matter OP? Are you one of those annoying 'competitive misery' people who always has to have it worse than anyone else?

Trust me, you'll feel a lot happier if you try and find common ground with people rather than try and compete with them about how much harder your life is.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 14/02/2014 19:07

I would class myself as unemployed if I was off work for nine months

I would comsider myself disabled if an injury had me off my feet for nine months.

dfod

TiredFeet · 14/02/2014 19:07

It sounds like you don't like being a sahm?

pantsjustpants · 14/02/2014 19:08

YABU, but this really shouldn't be bothering you! It's kind of a non-issue. Shouldn't the emphasis be on supporting mothers to be able to have the choice?

I'm mum to four, so that's four lots of maternity leave with children of varying ages and a couple of periods of being a sahm. So yes, I know exactly what it's like.

I work three days a week, do the housework etc and make sure ds (dc4) regularly goes to toddler group with me.

weebarra · 14/02/2014 19:09

Why does it matter. I'm on mat leave with DC3, so have a 6 year old, 3 year old and baby. So no wee naps followed by baby groups here. After mat leave I'll be off sick for a while as I have breast cancer and not really sure I'll be going back to work. YABU.

UnknownGnome · 14/02/2014 19:11

Why does it matter? Is it a competition of who has it the hardest? Do you also think mothers who return to work aren't full time mums?

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:12

I think if you're husband was away for 9 months you might have some insight into what it was like to be a single mum so YABU.

I don't think my husband working away would make me a single mum. We'd still be sharing decision making, he'd stiill be contributing financially and he would be coming back... nothing like being a single mum!!

OP posts:
hiccupgirl · 14/02/2014 19:12

I don't get why it matters tbh. Sounds like you have a problem with being at SAHM rather than anything else.

I was a SAHM for 8 months while on maternity leave. I then worked 2 days a week but still had sole care of DS for 3. So yes I haven't had the relentless slog of being stuck at home with toddlers everyday but enough to know its not something I would choose to do.

I can see if you are committed to being a SAHM long term you do build a new life with things to do but then you do this with your kids working part time too.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/02/2014 19:12

I understand where youre coming from

And considering how it doesnt matter, funny how many people have come to say you are wrong Grin

SoldAtAuction · 14/02/2014 19:12

Well then, I don't think you know what its like to be a parent unless you have had teenagers.
And you don't know what it is to be married until you've done it for 25 years.
Hmm

See how silly it sounds, when you try and quantify someone else's experience?

smallandimperfectlyformed · 14/02/2014 19:12

Sorry you're unwell weebarra Flowers

whatareyoueventalkingabout · 14/02/2014 19:13

howLong do you have to be at home for then?

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:15

Thank you cripsyFB You explained it better than me... knowing you have a job to go back to, and could go back tomorrow makes it very different.

One of these mums is due in March, but she is leaving her toddler at nursery 3 days per week because she doesn't want to disrupt his routine. I do understand why that is sensible, but it is very different to being a SAHM.

OP posts:
AllBoxedUp · 14/02/2014 19:15

I find my days off with my 3 year old much easier than when he was under 1. I can understand that the emotional side is different though but you can understand the pressures.

maillotjaune · 14/02/2014 19:18

If these women are WOHMs the why were they at a toddler group? They obviously have taken to being SAHMs despite only having done it for a few months if they haven't worked out one of the benefits of work is to get you out of chatting to strangers in a drafty church hall.

(PT WOHM so not strictly eligible to claim I know anything about either I presume?)

JanePurdy · 14/02/2014 19:19

I agree with you OP & I am surprised by the reaction. I think there is a difference between spending 9 months on maternity leave & being a longer term sahm without a job to go back to on the horizon.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/02/2014 19:19

I think the difference lies in you will be going back to work eventually, your dh will be home eventually, your leg will be better eventually, so it isnt the same as sahm/single mum/disabled because you havent got that (for lack of a better word) 'escape' to look forward to.

Thats not saying that wohm on mat leave/one parent away/broken leg isnt hard at the time, but its not the standard.

AllBoxedUp · 14/02/2014 19:20

I think having to care for your children with no break for 9 months would give you an insight into being a single mum. I didn't say it was exactly the same. It's not entirely different and much more similar than being in a 2 parent household. I guess I read the OP as the other mums saying they had an insight into your life rather than saying their experience was exactly the same.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:22

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability Fri 14-Feb-14 19:12:21
I understand where youre coming from
And considering how it doesnt matter, funny how many people have come to say you are wrong grin

Grin Grin Grin

Exactly.

FWIW, I think being a working mum is really hard, and I respect their choice.

I suppose I think being a SAHM is about making a proactive decision to raise your children yourself. It is a lifestyle choice, because I have had to choose between doing this, and doing something else. It consumes all my time for years - not for a few weeks/months. It is huge.

Saying I'm a SAHM for x weeks (whilst I'm given paid off leave from my job that I can go back at any moment) is a bit like saying I'm a vegetarian, because I haven't eaten meat since Tuesday. No - you're not.

OP posts:
breatheslowly · 14/02/2014 19:23

But even the job to go back to thing must vary enormously between different SAHMs. Some will have a background that makes it easy to find a job (quakifications, contacts) and others will find it hard to find work. CrispyFB's description is bleak. It sounds like the description of someone who is a SAHM due to their circumstances forcing them to. However there are people who choose to be SAHP. I don't think those ones have the same sense of bleakness.

I think that a year's maternity leave gave me a reasonable sense of being a SAHM who has been able to choose whether or not to work.

RufusTheReindeer · 14/02/2014 19:23

I understand what you are saying

It must surely feel different if you know that it's for a finite period of time

But I don't know really, I was technically only on maternity leave for about 6months as I decided quite early on that I wasn't going back to work