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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wossname · 14/02/2014 19:23

I would say that being at home with one toddler is a piece of piss compared to having 3 year old, two year old and a part time job. But we all have days when we think we're badly done too, don't we?

I am really not a fan of this 'sahm-ing is being on the coalface' attitude though. It all presents different challenges, we just have to get on with it.

wordfactory · 14/02/2014 19:25

But many SAHMs will go back to work eventually. Most will in all liklihood. Very few are permenantly at home.

So why is maternity leave of 9 months or a year different because you might/will go back to work?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/02/2014 19:26

OK I accept the knowing I could go back to work point a bit. Some SAHM do also make the choice to start work so some of them do have the choice to stop being a SAHM mum. I am not suggesting SAHM's should have to start work but they aren't forbidden from doing so either.

If you look at my earlier post I said I took a year off with DS2 so I was also looking after DS1.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/02/2014 19:26

Well YANBU to be puzzledbe because that's how you feel I guess.
but YWNBU to suggest there's not a strong similarity in the day to day life of a mother on mat leave and a sahm. She is at home, and a mum.
While on mat leave with DC2 I saw in me similarities with women who were sahms.
I wasn't earning my own money, I was at home looking after my children. The daycare thing is a red herring. Plenty of sahms have a child in daycare or DCs at school. Lots of women on mat leave can't afford to keep up daycare costs so take their older DCs out of childcare when they're on leave.
The difference for me was that I knew I would have to hand of my children and pay someone else to look after them while I was working to keep paying the mortgage. So I suppose I can't know exactly what it would have been like to be at home for longer.
Even if I were a sahm I wouldn't truly know what it's like for another sahm because we're all different.

maillotjaune · 14/02/2014 19:27

BarkWorseThanBite I think one if the reasons these threads kick off is the use of language like 'decision to raise your kids yourself' (sorry if misquoted, on phone so can't see it as I type).

I am raising my children even if I go to work on some days. They don't have a spare mother to use when I'm at work.

zipfork · 14/02/2014 19:27

Ah I see - it's an ideology for you. It's nothing to do people having with similar (or not) day to day experiences, it's all about have they got the right attitude. (Splitters!)

In any case I agree, they are probably just empathising/finding common ground in conversation, not claiming their experiences are identical to yours.

frazzled74 · 14/02/2014 19:28

Wohm can get to toddler groups and help out on pta etc. we don't all work 8am- 6 pm and only see the Children when they are sleeping!I don't really understand why they offended you though ? Surely it's all down to personal choice , and if you are happy with your choice the whole sahm v wohm is unnecessary.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:29

I think mat leave is very different because it is a finite period and actually relatively short. Your employment rights are protected by law, and many mums will be returning to the same job. Many professional women will also continue to be paid.

I think it's very different to given up your career to stay at home and look after children on a permanent basis. The number of professional women who choose to do this is tiny. It really is a different kettle of fish.

OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/02/2014 19:31

Word, i'd say its different because its already sorted and has a deadline. You could well be looking for work for a while before you get a job, its not the same as just walking back into 'your' job. There are still variations though, its not as cut and dried as that. For eg, if you had a casual job and no real mat leave, yet were free to go back whenever you wanted, or finished mat leave and had your position, but had to wait for a contract to start.

Laquitar · 14/02/2014 19:31

If you go to toddlers groups that means that you haventdone the SAHM thing too long either.
And if they are coming to the group it means that they are not full time WOHMs.

Confused.

bonvivant · 14/02/2014 19:31

YABU - if you've been on mat leave for 9 months, you've been a SAHM for 9 months. What is your problem exactly?

zipfork · 14/02/2014 19:32

So for you OP 'being a SAHM' is a bit like 'being a Christian' is for some other people (or another religion) - you don't want people using the word or claiming common experiences with you because they're not doing it properly, or for the right reasons, even if their day to day experiences could really be very similar to yours?

TheGreatHunt · 14/02/2014 19:32

What happens if you are a SAHM but didn't plan to be eg on mat leave for 6 months then made redundant? Do you negate the 6 months?

The clue is in the name. Stay at home mum.

I don't think I found being at home with two young kids and no one to talk to easier because I was going back to work at the end. Fuck no.

OP you have a real chip on your shoulder.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/02/2014 19:32

Ahh, money thing is a good point re "neither are earning their own money" Women on mat leave, for most of it at least, will prob still have statutory mat pay. Long term sahm has £0.

Wossname · 14/02/2014 19:33

Is this another one of those threads based on an acquaintance just making pleasant small talk and unwittingly causing outraged hurty boo-boos? There was a thread a few weeks ago about work colleagues who irritate the shit out of some people by wishing them a good weekend on a Friday!

Grin at splitters

zipfork · 14/02/2014 19:33

Certainly similar enough to justify a bit of empathising in small-talk situations without deserving to be criticised behind their back for doing so!

BornToFolk · 14/02/2014 19:33

Oh FFS, working parents DO "raise their own children". Hmm We just have to outsource some of the childcare from time to time.

Since DS was born, I've been on maternity leave, part time working, SAHMing, and full time working. All states have their advantages and disadvantages but throughout all of that, I've been raising him.

StrawberryMojito · 14/02/2014 19:34

Really horrible thread OP...my life's harder than yours blah blah blah. You can't possibly understand the sacrifices I've made blah, blah, blah.

Look, it's a struggle for everyone. Don't bitch about other mums trying to be nice.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 14/02/2014 19:34

But to suggest that it's like saying you know what it's like to be a single parent because your DH was away playing golf for a week is ridiculous.

And well done you for raising your children yourself. Have a gold star.

OrangeFizz99 · 14/02/2014 19:36

So will your toddler never go to nursery?

When you were looking after a newborn were you not a sahm then?

You sound jealous of your friend.

Original poster
BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 19:36

maillotjaune I did say raising my children myself. I appreciate that you are always their mother and the buck always ends with you, and that if there is a tricky parenting issue, you will be called. I suppose I was looking for a way for saying that I haven't delegated day to day care to someone else for 40 hours a week so I can go to work. I can't go to work - so I had to choose to give that up in order to be there all the time with my children.

I'm not sure what would be a less clumsy way of saying that, which wouldn't offend you?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/02/2014 19:37

I sincerely hope your children appreciate the great sacrifices you've made for them.

My DC are in school does that mean that the school is now raising them not me and DH.

Are you going to Home Educate?

letsgotostonehenge · 14/02/2014 19:37

usuallyright are you usual suspect?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 14/02/2014 19:37

I got a good insight into what it's like to be a sahm whilst working! I did 2 nights week at the weekend, handing the dses over to DH for the duration of work and a few hours sleep.

Less about proactive choices and more about finances but the end result is the same.....

OrangeFizz99 · 14/02/2014 19:39

So when toddler goes to school you are no longer raising him/her?