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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Retropear · 16/02/2014 21:56

Why does something of value have to involve hard graft?Actually some aspects of being a sahp can be hard and an awful lot of it is incredibly valuable.

capsium · 16/02/2014 21:56

Phil I find that there is not much graft that is hard if you are very good at it! We are adaptable creatures...Grin

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/02/2014 21:57

Whoever said that it depends on your life circumstances was exactly right. When I was at home on ML I didn't stop for a minute and I think if I was a SAHM I would be the same so I wouldn't feel guilty. If I was a lady of leisure all day long then I would

capsium · 16/02/2014 21:57

Oi! The meals I cook are valuable, Writer

Only1scoop · 16/02/2014 21:58

I had a whole year off after dd was born....the whole sahm just wasn't for me ....I love my job and craved to get back to it....even on a part time basis. My dp and I have amazing company lifestyle agreements so share childcare....

Going back to original Op ....a whole year off more than gave me an insight into sahm permanently and certainly helped me make my choice in returning.

So Op I disagree I do know what being a sahm involves as I'm sure your two 'coffee morning' friends did.

Such a Shame you feel the need to defend your position.

capsium · 16/02/2014 21:58

My cleaning is like gold dust.(rarity value)

^joke naturally.

Retropear · 16/02/2014 21:58

Well same as us.We both run the house except a lot of what I do is during the day.We both work for our family.1 goes out to get money, 1 brings value in other ways.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/02/2014 22:02

Depends on how you see contribution. Housework is what all adults usually do to live and looking after your own child is simply what being a parent is all about. If DS is home with either of us alone, i dont see it as a contribution but simply DS is with a parent.

Whilst i work less hours that DH, given my job role, i cant imagine not working and have no excuse not too. I couldnt imagine going to the supermarket knowing that the tampax, shampoo etc om my basket were being paid for by somebody else as i didnt fancy working. I'd certainly feel guilty.

I hope DS takes from it the message that women can work and parent. Just because he is male shouldnt automatically mean he works all hours so his partner doesnt have too.

TeamWill · 16/02/2014 22:02

Writer Totally agree- but some people don't seem to like the fact our DH/P are as capable of raising Dc, cleaning or running a house as we are - oh and they WOH < gasp>.
The cats never know who is feeding them which is funny < do I love YOU or YOU > Grin

Permanentlyexhausted · 16/02/2014 22:04

Illstartexercisingtomorrow
First of all I didn't say "no-one is asking". However, even if someone is asking, there is no requirement for SAHMs to prove themselves. Who cares if random people on the internet, or even at mother and baby groups, are suggesting you're not earning your keep. You don't have to justify what you do. You are confusing a desire to defend your role as a SAHM with a need. You may feel that you want to defend your position but that is absolutely not the same as having to prove yourself. If you didn't 'defend' your role as a SAHM to people who suggested you didn't earn your keep, would you lose your role? No, you wouldn't, so there is no need to prove yourself.

Retropear · 16/02/2014 22:07

My shampoo is paid by me as the money we get from Dp's job is my money same as the money I earned when he was doing his Masters was his.I'll work part time eventually but will still continue my valuable role 3 days a week.

We love having a sahp. Very insulted re the inference we sahp do it because we just don't fancy working.I could say similar hurtful things about being a wp but will rise above it.

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 22:08

TeamWill How did the celebrating of the boy's good news go? plenty Wine I hope.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/02/2014 22:08

Really writer, cooking a meal isn't valuable?? Funny then how there are entire professions and industries dedicated to that subject. It's a real shame you can't see the value of things that are done in the home. And as for both parents working, raising the children etc - all very nice and 'equal' but tell me this - how many DHs bear children? Not very equal there I'm afraid. The problem with making men and women equal by giving them the exact same set of responsibilities/duties is that it is inherently unequal to the woman because the man can't contribute like she can - ie growing a person inside her. Equality doesn't mean you do the same things. It means you have an equal workload - not the exact same things in each workload - and you value the things your partner does. It's not just about who brings in money.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 22:09

I think the problem with these threads is someone saying

"I couldn't be dependent on some one else"

" I couldn't leave my children at nursery"

"If I left my husband I would not be able to support my children"

"I want to parent my child"

And then people who think the opposite take the comments as a personal attack , when quite often they were not intended as such

capsium · 16/02/2014 22:10

Nice for you Happy. Life would have been difficult if I had held the same qualms.

My contribution is valuable because I am irreplaceable. My skills, knowledge and belief has benefited our family in very tangible ways. As a family we make joint decisions and I am a very important part of that decision making process.

The earnings I would make wouldn't even hit the sides financially but the work I can do benefits our family enormously.

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 22:13

I think you are right Rufus people have said those things and maybe not explained the reasoning behind why they feel like that and people take offence where none should have been taken.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 22:15

exercising - It's not just about partners valuing each other, but about people valuing themselves. It may sound bad but I wouldn't feel satisfied or happy being a SAHM - I will value myself more by going out to work to earn money to provide for my child. Me and DH will still have to do all the housework and cooking but we'll also both be providing. Why is it being insinuated that people can't manage both?

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 22:16

Actually should probably be "do the opposite instead of think"

Only1scoop · 16/02/2014 22:16

I can remember being school age and wishing my mum worked like all the other mums did....she didnt need to I suppose.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant she was very keen for me to return to work after dd was born...

Again it's all down to choice ....OP has made hers and seems to think unless you hand in your notice etc your not a sahm

I left my return to work open for over 12 months....for that 14 months I was a sahm in my opinion.

Retropear · 16/02/2014 22:16

We could manage both but in a million years wouldn't want it.Jobs,stress levels,values,families differ.

capsium · 16/02/2014 22:19

Writer if you read my earlier posts (DC's SEN) you would understand why it would have been difficult for me personally to manage both.

There are a lot if people in similar situations or working in professions which are not very family friendly.

TeamWill · 16/02/2014 22:20

Some Wine but actually lots of Brew and Cake and feeling very proud and wondering just how broke we are going to be Grin Thanks Mrs Smile

Illstart I EBF both my DC and I didn't expect my DH to do it. I think most parents who share care expect that the biological/physiological effects of birth/BF will be accounted for during the year post partum( Maternity leave for me)
I actually went on to EBF both DC past the age of 2 - I didn't find that WOH interfered with this and I had a very supportive DH.
I think society really doesn't take much of the DF/DP role into account .

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 22:24

capsium - I know it isn't as easy for some families, up thread I mentioned that my views were not inclusive of families where a child has SEN and needs attention/supervision that childcare probably can't offer. I hope nothing I have said has offended you, I apologise if it has.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 22:27

I rang Heston, told him that cooking wasn't valuable and he said "fuck off!"

That's a joke by the way, have you seen me cook???its glorified reheating!

Though my carrot cupcakes are to die for

TeamWill · 16/02/2014 22:28

Brew andCake and Wine for parents everywhere - I bet we are all doing our very best. Smile
Night all .

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