Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
oliviaoctopus · 16/02/2014 12:46

I dont think its normal for one mum to do all of it. Thats not how people worldwide are usually brought up, and not how mine have been brought up. I dont see the need in modern western society for one person to do it all themselves.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 12:49

mrs

It might, but I see what the OP was saying in that I know I would be able to jack it in if I'd had enough

I think if you are on ML you know that you are going back after a length of time

When I gave up work with ds1 we ummed and aahhed for ages, money was going to be tight and if I went back for a year we had the chance to contribute to a very good share save scheme and get quite a bit more money...didn't do it obviously!

We all do the best we can don't we?

And maybe I've fucked up, maybe my husband will leave me, maybe I'm a bad role model for my children, maybe I could have had a great career massive house lots of shoes, maybe I will have a shit old age

But I've had a ball Grin..... So fuckit!

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 12:50

Do most SAHM (excluding children with SEN) make that choice because the cost of childcare means the family joint income would be worse off if both parents worked??

Or do some women make the choice to be a SAHM even though their joint income would be better if both parents work (even when childcare is factored in) - even if you'd be a few £100 better off? Do you sacrifice that little bit of extra income just so you can be at home with the children?

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 12:55

writer

I gave up work because I wanted to be for my children what my mum was to me

Having said that she went back to work when I was 8 and my brother wax 5 so it didn't work out as planned

Nearly 16 years ago I was on 13k, I reckon with at least one promotion (which I was inline for before I got pregnant) and pay rises I would be on about 20k now (full time obviously)

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 12:58

We sacrificed income for me to stay at home, although I had a very short ML with the eldest and then we spaced our children out so we could afford them.

capsium · 16/02/2014 13:01

Writer I can see that if your partner is a high earner and you are not a few hundred quid would not make much of a difference to you. Not when you would think nothing of spending that on a pair of new shoes.

Tbh I have been in the situation before when my DH's moderately good wage made the commitment I had to give to my employers, who didn't pay much, stupid. Squabbling over holidays and overtime was annoying when I just didn't need the money.

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 13:06

I can see what she is saying (although I don't think she said it particularly well) but I don't understand why it is an issue.

I was on ML when I left my ExH, I was the one to move out and to be honest for a period of time I didn't have a clue whether I was going back to work or not. I think anyone who has had time at home with kids can see what it's like as a SAHP, I think if a SAHP worked for a year (even if they knew it was only going to be a year) they could see what it's like to be a WOHP.

Ultimately I don't really think it matters. Like you said everyone just does their best for their kids. I am a sole parent with no contribution either financially or emotionally from DDs Dad but it doesn't bother me if someone who's partner works away Mon-Fri says it feels like they are a single parent sometimes. One of my friends feels like this and it's fair enough, she is entitled to feel how she feels. Yes there are differences but there are similarities between the two situations too. No two situations are the same. Life is open to interpretation so I don't understand why others feelings about situations they have been in cause offence to others on this scale.

I'm also not aiming that post at you Rufus it's just general to alot of posts on this thread,

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 13:07

capsium - I don't even like spending £30 on shoes Grin

I only work 30 hours a week anyway but was considering cutting down to 22.5hrs after ML so the baby would only be in childcare 3 days a week instead of four. By choosing to do this our joint income would be about £150 a month worse off than if I returned to my current. 30 hours.

Initially I told DH we should just sacrifice the extra £150 in order for the baby to be at home for an extra day, but now I'm not so sure. In a perfect world I'd rather have the baby at home more often but £150 is still £150. It's just so hard trying to make the right decision.

capsium · 16/02/2014 13:22

Writer it's all relative. We managed to economise on groceries saving £5000 p/a! This might be more of a comment on our previous lifestyle, but it is amazing how costs can creep up on you.

I don't mind economies. I don't mind shopping at Aldi, or only having one car, or cutting my own hair or not having my nails done, or not buying many clothes or not going on nights out very much (we can only rarely get a babysitter anyway) I don't like gyms, prefer more outdoors in terms of exercise, like cooking from scratch, like UK holidays and am pretty low maintenance really. I have lived a much more extravagant lifestyle in the past but grew bored of it.

Now we are not on the breadline, I think things are much more difficult if you are. However I don't hunger after much materially speaking. It would have to be a lot of money to make a real difference to our lifestyle.

dietcokeandwine · 16/02/2014 13:37

Writer - we would probably be worse off now if I went back to work. Full time nursery places around here were £2k a month when I went back after DS1 9 years ago, God alone knows what they'd be now. And because I've been out of the workplace so long, I wouldn't earn anything like what I used to. I'd effectively be paying to work.

For us, the decision for me to stay at home was based on several reasons:

(a) me being back at work wasn't working out for my job (ie I was trying to condense full time job into part time hours and it just wasn't doable) and I felt I was doing an awful job in a role I used to excel in.

(b) I was miserable

(c) I actually really enjoyed being home with DC (fully acknowledge that not everyone feels like that).

DH is a higher earner, and has had several promotions over the years since I've been at home, so materially we are OK. But for us it was about more than the money...I had a fairly high-stress job, and didn't manage it well when trying to juggle with DCs. Absolutely nothing to do with wanting to 'do it all myself', really - we had brilliant childcare. I love my life, now, but do admit to feeling slightly envious of WOHMs who manage to fit their careers around their children. I just didn't manage to make it work.

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 13:42

£2K a month??! Bloody hell!!! Shock

Around my way you'd probably be paying £800 a month for the top-end full time nursery provision. I imagine there are many nurseries who charge less though.

dietcokeandwine · 16/02/2014 13:44

The other thing of course is that one person's situation is so different to another's even if you have two SAHM's, or two WOHM. Depends on the type of job you do as a WOHM, the income you have, the number of children you have, the ages/personalities/any SEN of the children you have...

I was in HR before I had my children, and I can categorically say that that job was a damn sight more stressful and emotionally wearing than being a SAHM. Therefore it was far more stressful being a WOHM. But, I have friends who WOHM who joke that their 'working' days are their 'days off' because they find being home with small children an absolute nightmare...

dietcokeandwine · 16/02/2014 13:46

Writer probably our fault for living in a poncey area Grin

But yes. £2k. I used to pay around £50 a day for a childminder, but a friend was more or less doubling that for nursery fees. Nannies would be more.

Peacocklady · 16/02/2014 13:47

Philoslothy having more and more children to avoid work is clearly a false economy though! I know you get more benefits with each child but it doesn't go on for ever and you spend more and more with less time for each child!
If you feel you have to go back to work after 5 but not 6, why don't you spend some of your ml with this one laying the foundations for going to something you will enjoy. You're clearly good with kids, could you do something around that?
I know that's prob the last thing on your mind at this stage and enjoy your newest tiny baby soon!

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 13:53

I might move to your area dietcoke and re-train to be a childminder! Grin

My sister's childminder charges £25 per day, from 07.30am-5pm so that's pretty good. I am planning on using the same one!!

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 14:00

mrs

Agree that the OP is getting cheesed off about nothing, but I quite often think that!

dietcokeandwine · 16/02/2014 14:06

writer sounds like a plan Grin

Mind you, according to some on this thread you'd be doing a nothing job because looking after children isn't work (fgs, why exactly some WOHM say that? If looking after children isn't work, wtaf do nannies/childminders/nursery workers do?! (not aimed at you writer but I've seen a few posts from others implying this).

£25 a day for a good childminder sounds fantastic.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 14:38

Peacock I have more and more children because I love children. We don't get any benefits for them, wat an odd assumption and rather a stupid idea because a child costs more than the CB.

I teach, so work with children - although bigger ones.

Newyearchanger · 16/02/2014 14:41

Sorry, I do refer to when at least one child is pre school. Most SAHM will have either more than one preschooler or a mixture of pre and in school

I mean SAHM do a long day of at ~ home work, (often ncluding all night feeds and waking, all illness shifts, all Dr appts school appts etc)have no work status and no pay, and poor job prospects. They may be devoting themselves altruistically to the home life and dc while OH has an inflexible job, but this is not well recognised often either by the working partner or society in general.... It is viewed as very low status and part of that is because people may think that they could be working too... But of course they can't if the other parent is unavailable and they have no family near and childcare is unavailable for the hours of their work etc.

I am sure no ne wishes to be judgmental, it's just that unless you have been in that situation it may not be clear what they are doing.
If one parent is SAH they tend to take on more and more until they are doing everything except going out to work, yet still they have no status of any kind.
When both parents work, things tend to be shared out more fairly.

Newyearchanger · 16/02/2014 14:45

I enjoyed being a SAHM very much but it was incredibly hard work, and I like working really hard.
I have now been back at my very hard job for several years and it is also tough, but the shifts do come to an end whereas the shifts as a SAHM last about five years with no annual leave no or little team work and no pay!!

RufusTheReindeer · 16/02/2014 14:50

Will admit that I really don't get it when a SAHM does not get recognition from their spouse

And I wouldn't ask for money either, if my husband told me there was a coffee cup holder on the buggy for a reason the whole buggy would be shoved up his arse...cup holder and all!!

Peacocklady · 16/02/2014 14:53

Philoslothy you said you wanted another after this one so you didn't have to go back to work "I then might be able to justify being a SAHM"
I didn't mean to cause offence re benefits comment, you obv get child benefit with each child though and I know with working tax credit it goes up with more children but maybe you don't get that.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 15:09

I don't get WTC either

thinking101 · 16/02/2014 15:14

newyear - your post describes our situation to a 't'.

So therefore it holds true that if I didnt do what I do as a SAHP then DH couldnt do his job. I enable him to work such long hours that need to be flexible as I carry his share of parenting mon to fri. I know this is what we need to do for out current circumstances (age of kids and stages of careers). I am ok with the arrangement as

  1. we used to both be FT and share everything with first
  2. we once serperated and he couldnt do his bits during the week. I wa part time so piked up the slack
  3. I am retraining slowly so it suits me to study and SAHP.

I do get bored and miserable but then I make an effort to get out and change things up a bit.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 15:14

Obviously we are not having 6 just so I can give up work . However having more time to waft about is a well deserved bonus for having six if my own plus a stepson - if it happens.

I would also feel less guilty if I were caring for 2 pre schoolers.