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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

999 replies

BarkWorseThanBite · 14/02/2014 18:45

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 21:24

I also think it is very dependent on your personality etc. Even when I had children at home full time and more than one pre-schooler at once, I never found being at home particularly hard word work. Not because I am some kind of earth mother, or amazing with children but I guess I have just been lucky. I also suspect that I am much more laid back than many other MNers - just judging by threads on here, if I put more effort into being a mother it would be harder work.

So even with children at home full time I would feel a bit guilty about my rather easy existence compared to his rather full on job.

Probably not logical, but guilt is not a rational way of thinking.

As a poster above said, I suspect lots of us end up feeling guilty whatever we do.

mercibucket · 16/02/2014 21:27

i didnt understand at first
i work 730 to 1500 so do pick ups and all after school stuff
dh does drop offs
so superficially i dont see a difference between me and a sahm
but actually there is. its not what we do in the home, which is the same,its how we are viewed by society and the difference in vulnerability (if dh leaves i can support us) and personal financial security

capsium · 16/02/2014 21:27

I don't feel guilty. I know why I made the choice to be a SAHP. I don't spend my time spending money either. I sometimes feel bad if the day has not been very productive but I could feel that if I were working too.

There is always stuff to do. It never all gets done.

Only1scoop · 16/02/2014 21:30

Love earning my own money....even though earn much less now as part time....would hate it if I couldn't spend x amount on a pot of my favourite beautiful face cream....if dp was out solely earning it all would feel I had to ask....
.....I also bake bread....do muchus wildlife walks....even the odd trolley dash with Dc round ....WaitroseGrin....

Each to their own I say....whatever works for us

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 21:31

I am not saying that anyone else should feel guilty, we are all different people in different situations. In my particular situation I suspect that I would feel guilty.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/02/2014 21:32

I think this 'guilt' at staying at home is something that has crept into our modern society. Perhaps I'm wrong but I can't think of any other society that would not be ok with a woman staying at home running her house regardless of the age of our children. I think in the fight to achieve equality we have also devalued the traditional role of a woman somewhat, hence guilt at staying at home. Having said that, I do work. My gripe is that men don't have to be superman - work and kids and house, but women expect all of that of themselves. We go through far more than any man- preg,labour, bf, child rearing with major physical consequences and give of ourselves to other human beings. Then when that's done we act like it never happened and have to justify ourselves by also earning money.. Why exactly are we bearing the role of the woman and the man?

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 21:35

Perhaps I'm wrong but I can't think of any other society that would not be ok with a woman staying at home running her house regardless of the age of our children. I think in the fight to achieve equality we have also devalued the traditional role of a woman somewhat,

The woman staying at home to run her house?

It is mine AND my DH's house to run together - equality.
Our view isn't that he goes out to work whilst I don my apron, cook dinner, clean the bathroom and 'run the house'. I don't even know what that means???

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 21:38

I don't think it's just about feeling guilty either.

There are some people that just couldn't be financially dependent on someone else. But again that is down to different life experiences.

I was in a really bad marriage with DDs Dad. He was an alcoholic and latterly swinging into a drug addiction. He stole from me (it wasn't joint money he got sacked and refused to work after), he attempted to steal from my DDs bankie and then again from her bank account. He was quite frankly piss poor with money because his addiction came first to him. I worked but was getting by on the bear minimum while pregnant and then SMP before I left him (when DD was 7 weeks)

Even in an amazing relationship I do not think I could ever put 100% faith in anyone to do right by me and my DD. I guess you could say my trust is scarred and I will always want the security of my own money.

I don't think a SAHP is selfish for relying on their husbands income, it is obviously a decision the family have come to agreement on together. I think it's incredibly trusting and brave but that just isn't something that I personally could ever do because along the way I have lost the ability to trust fully.

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 21:40

My point being that life experience (which everyone's is different) can also influence the decisions you make when making these kinds of choices.

I wish SAHPs would be down on WOHPs and vice versa because the true fact of the matter is, you don't know why someone has made the choices they have. And neither do you have a right to know.

As long as their family is happy and their children are being well cared for what does it matter?

capsium · 16/02/2014 21:41

I agree merci the way SAHPs are viewed by society does sometimes get me down a bit. I end up digging out old TV programmes circa 1970 occasionally just to see some women in similar circumstances!Grin

In one way it is quite good that you can isolate yourself easily from certain attitudes. I don't have to chat to many people if I don't want to.

I am as financially secure as when I was working since my wage, even when full time never supported our life style. DH has always earned much more than me.

I like being a SAHP though, although my DC is at school. Perhaps I should say housewife now? I usually just say I don't work.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 21:41

It is not my house, it is our house - we run it together. I think it is about disproportionate work loads. Whatever I was doing , if my life was infinitely more pampered and laid back than my husband's I would look at him working away and feel guilty.

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 21:42

wouldn't be down*

TeamWill · 16/02/2014 21:43

I don't feel one iota of guilt - total crock of shit that women must feel guilty whatever they choose.

Nor have I acted like the pregnancy, birth, EBF or child rearing has never happened. I can raise children and WOH as do many single mothers- its not mutually exclusive.
Bollocks that earning money is only the role of the man Hmm
My DGM had 3 jobs - she had no choice, so stop devaluing women - we are better than that.

Retropear · 16/02/2014 21:43

Only how wierd.

Dp's money is our money.We're a team,I've been the breadwinner,we both have,now it's dp. Do people not live as families anymore?ConfusedWe all bring many things to our table.

Really sad that couples live in relationships and don't believe in sharing and valuing all contributions.

And yes to the supposed guilt we're supposed to feel as sahp.I certainly don't but more and more I see the devaluing of sahp,it feels very much as if we're going backwards and choice is going down the swaney.

Parents just want to be with their kids and enjoy those previous years that don't last forever.Is it really such a big issue or that strange?Confused

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 21:46

Exactly - I'm on sick leave and feel incredibly guilty towards my DH even though I'm on full pay. I feel bad that I'm just relaxing whilst DH is out the house 11 hours a day working. I'd feel even worse if I was a busy SAHM but providing no income. Like others have said, I also like my financial independence and having the security of knowing that if me and DH were ever to split I could still provide for my child.

foreverondiet · 16/02/2014 21:48

Why is that not reasonable? Obviously a first maternity leave can be easy with just one baby. But if you are off for a 2nd or 3rd (or 4th?) maternity leave especially if your older one is at home, why is this so different from being a SAHM? I would say I have an inside into being a SAHM as I work 3 days a week and so look after my children on my own 2 days per week.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 21:48

My husband and I do share and value all contributions. I am not saying it is rational to feel guilt, however there were times when I watched my husband working long hours whilst I was a SAHM and I did feel guilty. I know that my husband never begrudged me anything.

TeamWill · 16/02/2014 21:48

Retro
Lots of families believe in sharing and valuing all contributions but that doesn't always mean SAHM/WOHD .
My DH and I share the care of our DC and both WOH .
We both enjoy both roles andhave a great work/life balance.
MY DH has loved being around for our DC as have I.

We mix it up!

Only1scoop · 16/02/2014 21:49

Writer I kind of see where you are coming from....
I've always thought i'd feel a huge vulnerability if I didn't work in some capacity.

Retropear · 16/02/2014 21:50

Blimey,I've never lived like that.I'm secure in my relationship.

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 21:51

I would not feel guilty if I was a busy hard working SAHM, then we would be putting in an equal contribution. I have never been a hard working busy SAHM. Maybe that is the problem. Grin

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/02/2014 21:51

I wasn't saying its not our house or that we don't run it equally. I meant that in the case of a SAHM I assume she would be taking care of house related things whilst her partner went out to work. So yes in that case the woman would be donning the apron and cooking etc. I'm not sure why this would be seen as less valuable than a man earning money. The very fact that there are posts that are scoffing at the idea of a woman doing the cooking etc proves my point - no value for a role that doesn't involve money

Philoslothy · 16/02/2014 21:53

I am not scoffing at cooking, I love to cook. However it is not exactly hard graft.

TeamWill · 16/02/2014 21:53

I do all the cooking because my DH is shit at cooking...
He does all of the cleaning because I am ...
Grin

Writerwannabe83 · 16/02/2014 21:55

So yes in that case the woman would be donning the apron and cooking etc. I'm not sure why this would be seen as less valuable than a man earning money.

Seriously????????
Cooking a meal is valuable???

I didn't realise relationships were supposed to involve a list of what is 'her' job and a list of what is 'his'. In my eyes, both parents work, both parents raise the children and both parents 'run the house'..