to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

So Capsium do you solely home school your DC?

NoMrsMagnicent I have had my DC only being offered part time education for a while and have had to fill in, the not inconsiderable gaps. I find schooling to be a good way of being part of the community. I think I would find completely Home Schooling quite daunting but would do it if I had to.

OrangeFizz my career would have had to have been a lot more lucrative to be able to comfortably afford Private, added to which I'm not sure the local Independents would actually be any better for my child. At least one I can think of would have been considerably worse. We did look at them

I think it's pretty shocking that you were only offered part time education for your DC.

Jinsei Project work is differentiated by outcome though. If there has not been the teaching on how to plan, structure and research or how to answer the question correctly you end up doing that teaching yourself.

Yes, I agree with that, and as I said, we spend lots of tine helping dd to decide how she is going to research and structure things, despite having very good teaching in school. My point was that parental support is required for some of the time, but the goal should be to facilitate children to do the work by themselves.

Having said that, I concede that I have an exceptionally able dd who is perhaps more capable of independent work than some. Perhaps I would feel differently if she was struggling, though I'd like to think we'd find a way of giving her the support that she needed.

Agree there are also shit private schools. We are lucky to have good income (although baby I'm currently baking is number 3 and 3 x school fees will be a big stretch).

My point was that there are many ways in which the sahm and wohm aims are exactly the same - just different ways of achieving that. We need to accept that all mums are doing their best for their family and stop the female in bitching.

I do stand by my statement that sahm usually start these threads on mn but that must come from something they feel society is telling them about their choices.

Yes Mrs and illegal but I was naive at the time...

Meals on wheels is one thing. Lunching and
tennis lessons another - it stirs an image of women leisure spending their husband's cash. Absolutely fine but hardly providing the backbone of the community if read without geographical/demographical context. I live in a city and not working but spending days having tennis lessons and leisurely lunches are the preserve of the wealthy. Hence my misinterpreting your post - apologies.

I read the internet letter whilst breastfeeding my newborn. It certainly stirred a few emotions in me and other WOHMs I know who are currently on mat leave. Perhaps hormones the age of the children we have makes a difference to feeling on this too.

Jinsei I'm sure you would find a way to support. We have. My DC is extremely able too.

I agree that independent schools aren't automatically better than state. Depends on the school, and also on the child.

It's appalling that you were only offered the option of part tine schooling for your dd.

You can help out your neighbour and then go for lunch.

This serves to illustrate why making generalizations doesn't work our experiences of being a SAHP or WOHP are so varied.

I seem to have been born without the guilt gene

Which is handy

My guilt gene is quite small.

Baby number 5 is due in a few weeks, I then want to start TTC for baby number six ASAP. I then might be able to justify being a SAHM again with two pre schoolers to look after.

I've been thinking about this thread a lot. I've read most of it but apologies if this has come up already. The OP's point was that WOHM could not understand what it was like to be a SAHM because they had been on mat leave. Do the SAHMs who feel like this agree that they can't understand what it's like to be a WOHM because they once had a job? There seems to be a lot of comments about WOHMs getting to go to the loo uninterrupted and having adult conversation or a lunch break but this is on a similar level to what WOHM understand about being a SAHM. It doesn't take into account the emotional wrench leaving your child with someone else, the pressures of getting everything done on time so you can get back as early as possible to collect your DC or the feeling you are being judged by everyone - for not doing a good enough job at work or being a mum.
To be honest, I feel some of these things but not all of these things and still feel that the OP is BU because on the criteria being discussed on here no one can understand what anyone's life is like. I think my experience of being a WOHM is completely different to other people in the same situation and I know SAHM who seem to get completely different things out of their life.

I haven't got a clue what it would be like to be a WOHM

And there is no way I'd say it because a number of people I consider friends would hire a hitman!!

And I am much too young and pretty to die

I actually think I'd feel guilty being a SAHM knowing my DH was going to work everyday to earn money to provide for us all whilst I stayed at home and spent it

Except most well-adjusted adults don't see it that way. They see their marriage as a partnership, where everything is equal.

exhausted I would say there was a whole hell of a lot more wrong in your relationship than you being a SAHM if you had to ask for £5 and were begrudgingly given it!

In response to the op (haven't read the whole thing).

I think YABU.

I have had two lots of maternity leave of 15 months in the past 6 years. I've been off work for almost as much time as I've been in it.

I was with ds1 from 0-15 months day in, day out.
When I started on maternity leave with ds2, I had a newborn and a 2 year, 3 month old. By the time I went back to work I had a 15 month old and a 3 and a half year old.

Yes, I always had the thought in the back of my mind that i'd be going back. I hadn't mentally cut all ties with work, forever.

But, practically, I have been a SAHM for 2.5 years out of the past 6.

To say I have no idea of what being a SAHM entails is frankly ridiculous.

Rufus

Do you not think if you worked for a year it would give you an insight though?

In case anyone is puzzled by maternity leave of 15 months (because for some reason, people seem to automatically think maternity leave = 9 months).

I took 9 months statutory (paid) leave. Then 3 months unpaid. Followed by two years worth of 6 week holiday allowance each time (luckily both my maternity leaves spanned two years iyswim).

Does that mean that my SAHM status at least 'qualified' for 6 months, as I had two lots of unpaid 3 month leave? Or...

I guess my point is that one SAHM only knows slightly more about what another SAHM's life is like. So it's not that indefensible to think you have some insight into someone else's life because you were once in a similar situation. The OP would have been better if it had said the WOHM had no idea what her life was like because they weren't her.

I understand what it is like to work but not what it is like to be a WOHP. I can imagine it is not easy, going on the work I have done in the past, it is why I haven't chosen to WOH.

In reference to the guilt thing; I think this is a massive part of why these threads descend into a bitchfest more often than not.

I think we all feel a modicum of guilt, not matter what our choices, so perhaps that makes us more defensive?

I wholeheartedly agree about feeling like you're not doing a good enough job in both roles.

More often than not I'm always available for my dc after school. But when there's a deadline looming I have to call in favours all over the place for childcare. I feel guilty that I can't dedicate enough time to them and I can't sit and do crafts with them on a Wednesday afternoon etc. etc.

Then I feel guilty that I'm missing deadlines, or having to be pressured into hitting them.

As a SAHM I felt guilty about all the things that have been mentioned here; not setting a good examples, not contributing financially etc. etc.

As a WOHM I felt guilty about all the things mentioned here too!

It's pretty shit. For all of us. I feel like I'm close to the balance now but it took donkey's years to get here and sometimes I STILL don't get it right.

That's why threads like this bug me no end. We all feel what we feel. We don't need someone else's sanctimonious judgement to remind us of our perceived failings.

It does depend on your income, if your on the lower end or the wealthy end wohm is often easier as you have paid childcare for as much time as you need and it eases the burden whereas 40k+ until wealthy you dont but I hope when my dcs are older there will be childcare for all.

Sorry - posted too soon (bloody phone).

What I was trying to say - I do kind of understand the OP's original point, though agree she phrased subsequent posts badly and in an inflammatory fashion (we are all 'raising' our children whether we work full time, part time or stay home full time!).

When I was a WOHM, when DS1 was a baby, I'd taken a year's maternity leave. During that maternity leave I knew exactly what the SAHM role involved in terms of day to day logistics - but I still had a career to return to. I'm now a SAHM, and have effectively shot that career in the foot (I was in HR) - when I do go back to work, I will have to do several years at a much lower level to work my way back up to where I was at, simply because of the choice I took to step away for a number of year (my choice though, of course, and I acknowledge that I am extremely lucky to have had the choice). That's if I manage to get back into the industry at all.

As a mum on maternity leave, therefore, I wouldn't have had the understanding of what it would feel like to have no potential career return on the horizon.

As others have said, everyone's situation is so different that you really can't compare them. Of course the WOHM who fits work around preschool and/or school aged children and has no other help (ie cleaner) could argue, accurately, that she does precisely the same things for her family as a SAHM with preschool and/or school aged children. And of course the WOHM with younger babies/toddlers who works and uses childcare for their DC is not doing precisely the same things for her family as a SAHM who is home full time doing the childcare.

For what it's worth, I don't think I'm doing a better job as a SAHM than, say, a loving nanny or fabulous childminder or brilliant nursery would do for my children. When I worked, DS went to a (fantastic) childminder 3 days a week and I actually felt that he had a better, more balanced time during that period than he did home with me full time...