to be puzzled when mums suggest they know what it's like to be a SAHM because they were once on mat leave?

[BarkWorseThanBite]

Two really nice mums - I like them both and we usually sit together at toddler group. However, more than a few times both have seemed to imply they know what's it like to be a SAHM because they took mat leave a couplel of years ago (till their babies were 9 months old).

Isn't that a bit like saying you know what's it like to be a single mum (I'm not) because your husband was away playing golf for a week?

Nothing against working mums at all - but the implication that they know what my life is like is a bit irritating.

AIBU?

Ive alreadt posted way up thread that MAT leave with young baby is not comparable to long term SAHP it is like comparing apples and oranges IMO.

Well if you can afford it with 6 you can afford it with 5 so why not just be a SAHM anyway? I think you could see how I thought you were talking financials and I am not judgemental about benefits at all.
I don't really get why you think 6 'justifies' not working, to the extent that you're already planning ttc number 6 and haven't yet given birth to number 5! Those were your words. Just leave your job if you don't like it or have more kids if you want them, it was you that said you were planning 6 to not work. If there's no financial gain it's an odd thing to say IMO.

How do you afford holidays, clothes, food, necessities etc with 6 children,

Me and DH are panicking about how we can afford just one child!!!

peacock it isn't about money it is justifying in my head a life that so far I have found quite an easy blessed existence when my DH is working very hard.

I am thinking about possibly not having formal employment ever again.

I do like my job, I love my job in fact . My life is in no way difficult or a hardship aside from the general ups and downs we have. However I am happier pottering about with the children. I dare say my husband would be happier doing the same .

And yes number five has not been born, however he/she will be here in a few weeks . Having had 6 already between us I think we are safe in thinking we are reasonably fertile so another is quite likely if that is what we want.

Agree too many variables to compare but fair to say many SAHM have a very hard time of it and many WOHM have a very hard time of it...when children are small they need a lot of looking after.

Things get easier from school age onwards but still lots of organising required.

Yes I gathered from your first response that it wasn't financial, the one where you called me stupid made that clear.
However, many women in low paid positions that they hate easily find themselves having more children to avoid going to work and in some cases end up financially better off for it. Unfortunately it is a short term solution. I thought this might have been your situation because of the way you used the term 'justify'.
It clearly isn't, it sounds like you like the idea of 'wafting' as you put it and having more children lends more support to that, but actually you love your job too you just don't want to do it and you feel a bit guilty that your DH does. And you're very fertile.

I think different stages of parentig at different ages is a highly subjective experience.

Personally Im finding my DS8 harder than my DD2

I haven't read all the replies, so sorry if its been said (too many)

As a SAHM, I think the later years are very different to the early years with a baby. Some stuff is the same, some is different. Early years (baby to preschool say) is hard slog in many senses, WTF do I do with them all day etc etc, Weetabix on the wall that dries like concrete, why do my hands still stink even though I washed them 3 times after changing the nappy, etc etc.

However, generally, you don't have to be in a certain place at a certain time (unless you have older kids) which gives a certain sense of freedom and windows for chill out zones (naps and shit)

Older kids - different. School run, which WOH parents mainly have to do as well, but then there is this blissful 5 and a bit hour window of "me time", which can also be boring depending on what you do with it. Then the after school thing, if you are there, can be weird and shit when the weather is bad and they cant play out, homework, endless fucking demands for snacks and crap TV instead of doing homework and eating the effing dinner you cooked, etc etc. Slight sense of drudge with the pay-off of that nice window of serenity while they are at school.

Then the chauffer years begin.

You can be a target for favours of working mothers (I don't begrudge this, I help out wherever I can, girls compete with each other, women empower each other as the saying goes)

Like life, things change as the years go on. The days go slow but the years go fast.

An early poster above said she hates WOHM's saying they do everything a SAHM does as well as work - I wouldn't necessarily agree with that. If the child isn't in the house, the amount of mess is not the same. If I went to work full time mine would be with a childminder after school, I'd only have to do bath and bed not the sometimes tedious bit in between. Friends who went back to work and had babies in full time nursery were happy to admit they had a nice balance of being able to drink a cup of coffee while it was still hot and coming home to a relatively tidy house because the child was at nursery all day.

On the single mother front, my husband works away a bit and I can't say that makes me "know what its like" because I have financial support, emotional support, regular sex, etc etc.

Just some thoughts really.

Wohp don't look after a baby or pre school child all day , they are in childcare, so obviously they are not doing the same as a SAHM who is doing all the childcare herself in the daytime as well as the evening.

I've been giving this some thought- and OP, you've convinced me of your argument.

Whilst being on ML certainly gives you an idea of what it is to be a SAHM on a day to day level, it can never be the same in an existentialist sense.

So, YANBU.

I agree they are different but one isn't more difficult than the other. Everyone is different. SAHPs work within the home day and night WOHPs work outwith during the day and within at night.

I didn't call you stupid and apologize if it came across that way. I as agreeing with you that having children for financial gain would be rather stupid, particularly on my situation where there is no financial gain I can see.

Exactly Mrs.

Tatty your fourth paragraph sums up the post-school shite to a T.

And thinking - yes yes to your comment about different ages being stressful for different people too. My 9 yo stresses me out more than the 4 yo and baby put together.

I think it is easier the more you have, they look after and entertain one another and your standards drop with each one.

I work pt. I consider myself lucky that I can do that tbh.
On my days off I look after the DCs.
There is nothing I don't do that I would do if I were a sahm.
I just also work.
And when I work I pay someone to look after my DCs.
Even if I worked ft I would still be doing the home stuff. I don't know any working mums who are just sitting about on their days off.

And to complicate matters my extraordinarily untidy DH works from home and does the CM run. So I have never experienc the luxury of an unoccupied, not -being- messed up home to return to
Hence my earlier golf wish.

TheRealAmanda
Me too - If Im at work my DH is at home.
I often hear the - Im a sahm so my DC are fed homemade food - tick
I want my DC to be looked after by a parent- tick
I want to be there for my DC after school - tick
Some WOH parents ,in fact many of them ,provide a lovely standard of care for their DC .
I am senior in my role and so is DH and we can choose our hours.
If you have to SAH because your DP works insane hours - then that is ok too.
Not all WOHP have the same restrictions as you do.

See? All different.
Someone else could live my life (although dh is quite annoying) and their experience or feelings about it could still differ from mine.
Nobody knows what another persons life is really like.
But there are enough similarities and shared experiences to be able to empathise surely.

Exactly thereal exactly I wish more people on here would realise the subjectivty of it all. The same circumstances can be experienced and percieved entirely differently by any given individual. This is what makes u individuals folks and thus we raise young that maybe similar but unique and different.

diet Oh god thanks I am not alone then I always thought the middle years were supposed to be the lull/easy before the teens. He is lovely and basically a good kid, but I cant stand to be around hm sometimes he is very draining. Ive err had a bit of a moan on another thread about this.

permanentlyexhausted

You said something along the lines of 'how exactly does a SAHMhave to prove she is contributing no one is asking'

Well here you are:
Writerwannabe83 Sun 16-Feb-14 11:44:24
I actually think I'd feel guilty being a SAHM knowing my DH was going to work everyday to earn money to provide for us all whilst I stayed at home and spent it.

^ this is exactly why SAHMs have to prove themselves. Because regardless of the reason for their choice or how good a parent they are there will always be insulting opinions banded around. Honestly writer do you really think a SAHM just sits around all day at home and does nothing apart from spend her partners money???? What the hell happened to valuing a woman's role in society as a mother and wife? What exactly is there to feel guilty about spending your life creating a home and bringing up children?

I think writerwannabe83 phrased it badly but once the children are school age I would feel guilty about staying at home whilst my husband worked very hard to support us.

I didn't mean spending husband's money on coffees, going to the gym and having massages, I meant just spending it in general - i.e on the food, children's clothes, children's toys, family holidays, day trips out etc. I would feel sad that I hadn't financially contributed to any of it. I want to feel that whatever my children have I have helped to provide it and it's not just all my DH's doing.