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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
TravelinColour · 12/02/2014 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 12/02/2014 11:47

I age

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 12/02/2014 11:49

I agree. It's so very tough simply as they haven't been taught the skills leading up to this.

You may need to remind them the night before or even do a list of things they have to do the night before (I don't know - this works with my 5 year old. ) something to help them make the leap themselves from doing nothing to being responsible.

They will soon learn but it will take a few mistakes. Try to guide them to doing it themselves target than doing for them.

Good luck.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/02/2014 11:52

Get another set of keys cut and just let him sort himself out!

mrsjay · 12/02/2014 11:52

In the morning I run their shower, put toothpaste on their toothbrushes, have towels ready,make breakfast and packed lunches,do their washing but like I say not their ironing,clean their rooms,get their football kits ready,wash their football boots,

I do it because I want to not because I have too

Ones 18 the other 15 both good kids

oh you are taking the piss for the fun of it OH OK fair enough are you bored or something

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 12:39

Mrsjay why would it be a piss take or boredom??

I've posted on here I've took everybody comments on board and realise I do need to sort them out and I will try my hardest to do so!
and thank you to the people who have gave me the kick up the arse I needed
it will be hard and I probably will get stressed out and have to turn a blind eye to stuff but I'll try my damnedest!!

OP posts:
TamerB · 12/02/2014 13:02

Plenty like it MrsJay-as universities know only too well!

DIYapprentice · 12/02/2014 13:14

Well done Skivvy. That must have been REALLY hard standing back and watching him get later, and later as he dawdled through his preparations. They know how to do things, now they'll learn how to do them well and in a timely fashion.

I'm guessing that he didn't really believe that you would hold as firm as you did, and thought that you would step in and help him out on a few things.

Tomorrow = a new day.

Hang in there!

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 13:25

It was hard diy! and yesterday I thought I was in the right doing everything for them but reading through this I know I need to get them to help out and I know I'm just a carbon copy of my mum and I've just not broke the habit!

I've came home from work and I have made their beds!! BUT I've put their clothes on their beds they can put away and I've popped the Hoover and Polish in the room for them to do it! Might be small steps but I'll get them whipped into shape sooner or later Wink

OP posts:
TravelinColour · 12/02/2014 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BirdintheWings · 12/02/2014 14:38

I think small steps sound like a good plan.

At least your children would recognise a clean house if they saw one, Skivvy, and therefore know what they need to do. I'm not sure mine would.

In fact, when you've finished turning down their sheets, could you come and delve under ours beds and see if any missing homework/hamsters/shoes are under there?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 14:43

It was annoying me!!

No way will allow them to live in a shit hole under my roof I draw the line there!

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 12/02/2014 14:55

See that's the stuff I suspect you'll have to let go. An unmade bed does not mean you live in a shithole, it just means there is an unmade bed in the house. Close the door and ignore it. It won't do you any harm.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 14:58

I know Wilson but I know it's unmade and I have to make it but that's my problem not the boys

OP posts:
Pigletin · 12/02/2014 15:36

Skivvy, if you know that unmade beds annoy you - set a rule that everyone has to make their own bed in the morning. When you see something which should be your kids' responsibility given their ages, you set a rule and let them know that they should be doing it. You don't just go and do it yourself.

Maybe it's worth sitting down and making a list of the things that the boys should be responsible for. It doesn't have to be cooking meals for the whole family and doing laundry, but definitely making beds, putting toothpaste onto tooth brushes, running their own showers, making own breakfast, tidying their rooms, clothes, etc. You then share this with them and you set rules. (AND you don't touch anything that is their responsibility!!!).

WilsonFrickett · 12/02/2014 15:52

You don't 'have' to make it. You may feel like you have to, you may even want to, but there is no force compelling you to make that bed. Your mother doesn't live with you, remember?

AllThatGlistens · 12/02/2014 15:58

Fucking hell Shock

I get that you're stressed because your boy struggled, but doesn't that highlight it even more to you that they need to be independent? Seriously, you need to take a step back! Just gobsmacked that people actually live like this.

Oblomov · 12/02/2014 16:29

People get cross because it's not good parenting.
They see you doing everything in a skivvy format way and believe that your children are lazy and can't do anything for themselves.
That's why people don't like it.

Dahlen · 12/02/2014 16:43

Why don't you call a family meeting, sit down together and create a rota in which certain jobs (e.g. making bed) are each individual's responsibility and other jobs are shared equally between all members of the household?

While this may seem a bit OTT, the beauty of inviting everyone to sit down and draw up the rota together is that it instantly sets you in the framework of a team working together, rather than presenting chores that get dumped on people.

What I did for my DC was to divide chores into two categories: those that absolutely must be done (for which there are consequences if they are not) and those which aren't compulsory but which will earn treats/rewards if done.

The other plus point of a rota is that it will demonstrate exactly what goes into the normal day-to-day running of the house, and even if you still end up doing the lion's share it will be there in black and white for others to see, leading (hopefully) to greater appreciation.

TamerB · 12/02/2014 17:13

People get cross because it's not good parenting.

I agree. People have come on genuinely thinking it is good parenting when it is anything but. These people are going to be an utter nightmare for anyone who shares a flat with them or, even worse, marries them. A sure way to be a highly unpopular MIL!
My one regret is that I didn't start them earlier.

cory · 12/02/2014 17:17

Be brave, hold out, it is for their sake!!! Thanks and encouragement!

And whatever you do, if they do make their beds badly- don't rush in and redo them: how would you like it if some superwoman who happened to be staying with you did that to you? I can't imagine anything more discouraging.

You do know why they learnt to read and write and do maths, don't you? It was because the teacher (who may well have had a degree and beautiful handwriting) didn't throw their efforts away and say "no, I'll do that instead, I do it much better".

If they don't cook quickly enough, let them cook at the weekend when your dd doesn't have to go to bed so early.

Stick it out, you will get there!

MrsOakenshield · 12/02/2014 17:34

get another key cut.

shut the boys' doors and do not do in - to be honest, you shouldn't really anyway, especially the 18-year-old - he's an adult, I think you said paying rent, so he should not have anyone entering his room without his permission.

Your priorities are a bit skewed, that's all - having boys turn into men who have never had to lift a finger is a bad thing to anyone and everyone. An unmade bed is only a bad thing to you, and as it's not your bed it's actually not your business.

The thing is, if they know you will go in and make the beds, of course they will never do it, or always make sure they do it so badly you do it for them. Same with cooking, same with getting up and out, same with everything.

What if you decided this Saturday that you had a load of things you wanted to do and went out and did them - would a nice meal be on the table at dinner time, just as you would have made if you'd been home? If the answer is no, and especially if the answer is no because none of them (DH included) was prepared to give up their day's, or afternoon's, activities, then you are living with 3 very selfish men. Very.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 18:41

Mrs DH going to get a key cut tomorrow been meaning to do it for ages!

I've already told ds2 that everything must be organised the night before and before he goes out!
Also asked both of them if they are here at the weekend to help make tea they both agreed (I know they won't be here though)

I think bad parenting is a bit harsh for those of you who said it was!!

OP posts:
AllThatGlistens · 12/02/2014 18:45

But can't you see that all of this mollycoddling is damaging to them?

That's a genuine question, can you honestly not see why people are saying this to you?

MrsOakenshield · 12/02/2014 18:46

no, it's not bad parenting because your heart is absolutely in the right place, it's the end result that's not good.

If they welsh on making tea then you purchase yourself a takeaway and let them sort themselves out.

I am soooo keen for you to do this! I have become ludicrously over-involved and over-invested! I don't really know why!!