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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to do so much for my kids?

338 replies

Skivvywoman · 11/02/2014 12:02

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

OP posts:
Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 18:56

All I wouldn't say damaging!! I agree with mrs end result not good but certainly not damaging,abuse is damaging

Mrs I know it's me that has to change, I know I'm kidding myself when I say I won't make the beds cause I hate mess and untidiness but that's my issue not theirs and I will let them make it but I know ill sort it but they won't notice,but getting them to stand on their own 2 feet getting organised and getting to cook if need be is a must!

OP posts:
GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 12/02/2014 19:19

Yup it's damaging.

I'd you accept the beds are your issue you need to work out how to get to a place where you deal with your issue - andleave their rooms alone.

Think - what's the worst that can happen if they don't have their beds?

Do you have anxiety or control issues in general? Have you looked for any self help or help with them if so?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 19:22

Not at all damaging!!

I've took everything on the chin and can see everyone's point but damaging my children I don't think so

OP posts:
Oblomov · 12/02/2014 19:27

I disagree with mrs oakenshield.
What constitutes bad parenting? What is good parenting?

Not OP, but generally, if someone offers no discipline, never says no to their child, is soft as anything , and never tells their child off, or never shows the child how we should treat others, then I think most of us would agree that this is bad parenting.

The parent might be a real softie, with their heart in the right place, but it is still bad parenting.

Parenting is supposed to be loving, but firm and fair.
Oakenfield said it can't be bad parenting because op's heart is in the right place.
I disagree. It can be bad parenting. Whether or not the op's heart is in the right place, or not!!

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 19:33

I discipline my kids there not rogues they were brought up to have a good education and they are respectful! You might not think they are respectful as they let me do everything for them but like I've said I chose to do it! And yes I do need to get them to do more

That's actually quite hurtful saying I have damaged my children

OP posts:
cory · 12/02/2014 19:37

I am sure they are respectful. But if you walk into an 18yo's room and re-make a bed that he has only just made because of the way it makes you feel, then you are not being respectful.

Imagine if you were staying in somebody's house and they did that to you? Or if you invited a friend and they turned out to have such perfectionist standards that they had to walk after you and redo your housework because of how the way you did it made them feel? Would you feel they were being respectful to you?

Your 18yo is an adult. His bedroom is the nearest to a home of his own he has and as I understand it he is paying you rent for it. You need to start treating him with the respect one accords adults, even if they have different standards.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 19:43

I doubt he would noticed if I remade it to be honest!!

If someone did that to me I wouldn't be offended as I know some people have their own ways and I'm one of those!!

OP posts:
cory · 12/02/2014 19:45

So if somebody was staying in your house you would be happy for them to go into your bedroom and remake your bed because they weren't happy with your standards? Do you think this are useful manners in the outside world?

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 19:48

Cory that's totally different Grin

I see your point I really do but I know that won't change I tried today but it bugged me so I nipped in and done it

OP posts:
Oblomov · 12/02/2014 19:56

I never said you had damaged your children.
Damaged is different.
I said I didn't think it was good parenting. I stand by that.

My parenting leaves a lot to be desired at tines!

Oblomov · 12/02/2014 19:56

I never said you had damaged your children.
Damaged is different.
I said I didn't think it was good parenting. I stand by that.

My parenting leaves a lot to be desired at tines!

hamptoncourt · 12/02/2014 19:59

I know someone who got scurvy when they left home as they had no idea how to look after themselves. Mummy had slaved and skivvied after them. So yes, it can be damaging.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 20:00

When they have homes of their own do you think you will try to manage their homes? Be honest! If its messy. If they dont make their bed. If the cupboards arent organised?
What about when or if they marry/cohabit? What if they as a family are messy? Are you going to want to extend your control freakery to their new family and home?
I think you owe it to yourself to not give up trying to change. Forget about your kids. You need to see that you are not doing the right thing for you.
I really do not think you are a bad parent. I think you are not acting in your childrens long term best interests and i think you are not acting in your own long term best interests. But bad parent is such a hurtful term.

Joysmum · 12/02/2014 20:01

It's poor parenting. When I moved in with my now DH, he tried to grill beans spread on bread to make beans on toast the lazy way. He also used to mend clothes with superglue Grin

His mother loved him dearly but he was spoilt and she liked thinking that everyone appreciated that she was best at things and did it out of love. In reality it held her children back.

Parenting means equipping your children with the skills they need to be competent independent adults.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 20:03

And it is difficult to see past that term to what people are trying to say

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:06

If their houses are messy that is up to them if they want to live like pigs but in my home I like cleanliness and order,
I have friends who's houses are not tidy and it does not bother me at all and I don't judge them and I feel comfy in their homes but I couldn't live in it!

I only made 2 beds and i left the duster and Hoover in the room which they have done after tea Smile

OP posts:
dollius · 12/02/2014 20:07

Yikes, my seven-year-old puts his own toothpaste on his toothbrush!

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 20:14

Im proud of you.
Going from putting toothpaste on their toothbrush to that in one day is a big thing for you .

Im not taking the piss. I mean it.
I think i understand this is a big thing for you mum Grin

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:18

The toothpaste was just out of pure habit Grin

I know I should have made them do stuff much earlier and I realise it was just for quickness and for it to be done properly that I do or should I say now DID do it Smile

OP posts:
AllThatGlistens · 12/02/2014 20:23

Molly coddling your teenage children to this extreme isn't good parenting.

Getting them to do their own self care and chores and then going in and redoing what they've done completely undermines everything you're trying to achieve, it makes no sense?

This shouldn't be about what you see as maintaining your high standards, it should be about allowing them to gain their independence, and not going in after them to rectify/ redo things.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 20:23

Grin good for you

(I used to turn the loo roll round to the Right Way in other people's houses. I understand control freakery. I wasn't about to confess that earlier Grin )

MrsOakenshield · 12/02/2014 20:24

you're right oblomov and I realised that just after I posted - heart being in the right place isn't enough.

If you really can't keep out of their bedrooms then you need to speak to them about it first, particularly the oldest who is paying rent. You're desire for tidiness and order does not trump basic respect, and it is disrespectful to enter another adult's bedroom.

Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:30

Do you think it's controlling? Wink

I've been thinking about it a lot yesterday and today why I do so much for them and I think it's because they only have me and DH and I don't want them suffering anymore Hmm they have had a tough few years and I probably over compensate it iykwim?

OP posts:
Original poster
Skivvywoman · 12/02/2014 20:32

Mrs they share a room and he pays digs but no where near a rent,what he pays doesn't even cover my gas for the week! But I take something off him to show he needs to pay something even though he's not on the best wage

OP posts:
AllThatGlistens · 12/02/2014 20:34

Just a bit Grin

In all seriousness, I don't doubt for a minute the love you have for your sons, that is blatantly obvious. Sometimes though, doing absolutely everything for them does more harm than good, it really does.

It is controlling, and it's suffocating, and it really isn't a healthy relationship dynamic for you to have with them.

The best gift you can give your children is to set them up and teach them the skills to be completely self sufficient, protecting them from everything can only set them up to fail in the long run.

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