AIBU to do so much for my kids?

[Skivvywoman]

I don't think I am

But my friends think I'm mad to do everything for my teenagers,they get really irate about it
the only thing I don't do is iron for them as I was fed up ironing their clothes for everything to be scrunched up in drawers and wardrobe that it had to be reironed!!

I don't mind so why should others??

Diy shoot me now for being the worst mother in the world

To be fair Skivvy - I think what you're doing goes on a lot more than many people think (I can certainly think of several families that fit your description) and I also think it's a surprisingly easy trap to fall into.

When you work and have DC and the choice is 20 minutes doing it yourself or an hour and 20 getting your DC to pull their weight, it's so, so tempting to just get on with it yourself. It certainly seems like better time management and you can always kid yourself that you'll allow more time tomorrow and get them to do more then.

I am a bit inconsistent in my approach to housework. One day I can be ruthlessly efficient, but the next I'll be very laidback about it. On the ruthless days it takes every ounce of self-discipline I have to not sweep in and take over when I see DC doing things poorly. I remind myself that a little pain now is worth the long-term gain in the future.

I really don't think you should say you'll back off "for a week, to see how it goes". It should be "this is it from now on" As you've repeatedly said, they can cope (ish) in short bursts but even a teenager will get fed up with pizza eventually and run of clothes. You say want time to yourself so MAKE it happen. Draw up a rota of all the chores, cleaning, washing, cooking and all four members of the household have an equal share. Make it permanent and if it's their turn to cook, help them if necessary, but make THEM do it - that includes shopping for the food.

It is just lazy parenting. It is just much harder to show them how to do things and leave them to it. It is frightening that they go out into the world not knowing how to cope.

You are doing too much for your dc. They need to learn to cook,clean and wash clothes. When they go off to uni or leave home, how will they manage? I admit it is easier to do tasks yourself but you are not helping them at all.

From the age off 11 I knew how to separate clothes and operate the machine. I was already washing up and doing general housework. The only thing I rarely did was cook but I knew how to.

I remember watching a Spice Girls interview in the 90's. Mel B mentioned that when they lived together at the beginning of their stardom, she did all the housework. The others had never cleaned and VB was absolutely useless as you can imagine.

You say you've copied your mum's behaviour but that is exactly why it's so dangerous and important you stop now.

They're learning that,"sure I can do it, but why should I have to?" When you do it for them.

like you they will go into relationships and copy behaviour, only they will copy your dh and expect wife to do all you do for them. It's really dangerous relationship wise in this day and age to gobinto a relationship with a subconscious expectation that the mother in the house does everything.

I don't do everything for DH far from it!!

Your all right I should stop!

I feel I should get mine to do more now they're early teens ... but even mine take their plates out (and say thank-you for their supper), organise their own school bags and PE kit (sometimes now putting a wash on) and take responsibility for organising and doing their homework (though I often ask them what they have for that evening)
I'm hoping by 15 and 18 they might be cooking the occasional meal and making everyone a or snack.
Also by then helping more with washing (especially their own) and washing-up.

I think it's a win-win surely - better for them and better for you?

I have 2 DS - 7 & 5. They are expected to load there plates etc into the dishwasher after a meal, make their beds every morning, tidy their toys away every evening before bed & put underwear/T-Shirts etc away in their drawers. I often will pop into their room to staighten up the bed but they have a go at it and I sometimes have to reload the dishwasher after them (although sometimes I will explain to the eldest why I would put something in X place instead of Y place) etc. But the point is, they have a go at doing it and take responsibility for doing it.

I don't run the shower for them or put toothpaste on their brushes. I do however wipe my 7yo DS bottom but he is dyspraxic & even on that we have worked up to him having a go at it and me doing the final wipe to pake sure he is clean!

Do you give your kids any responsibilities?

You have taken the responses very well op, agree with pp about the rota including things like cooking dinner and putting on a family wash.

Hope it goes well.

I've told them both I'd like them to help out a bit more ds1 said "ok doke" and ds2 said "cool" both got up and done the dishes

I've told them I'd like them to make their own packed lunches either in morning or night before, make their own breakfast and make their beds and open their windows before they leave the house and at night do the dishes one wash one dry and tidy away the shampoo etc from the shower that they normally leave lying!! As from tomorrow

God I'll be sitting about like a lady of leisure

Well, I'm impressed with how you have handled the comments on this thread, and I'm sure that learning to take care of themselves will make your children much more appreciative of what you do for them as well as teaching them invaluable life skills.

However, I was amused to see you saying you are turning into your mother, and then describe the attitude of 'wanting things done now and properly' which you have about household chores - I think you have already turned! So, as well as thinking of this time as a lesson for your children, why not try to find something that you would like to do with your extra time - even something simple like reading a book or going for a walk. It might help you to relax your grip on the way things are 'supposed' to be done and enjoy the fact that everyone in your house in contributing instead of the burden falling on your shoulders.

I'm sure they are lovely kids but you are really doing them a disservice by doing everything for them. Ok, so you manage to run a household ok these days despite your mother waiting on you hand and foot but all my brothers and sisters can't. They struggle to see washing up, clothes piles, can't cook, eat crap, expect others to look after them. It drives their partners insane! My kids help out a bit and play tons. They actually find helping fun because I put music on and we all chat while we work as a team. And we are a team! I think having a little bit of routine in relation to domestic jobs will really help them develop essential skills for adulthood.

Lady I know it's me and not them they really don't take the piss!

I can't settle until everything is done (my mum was the same)
If I know something needs doing I can't settle till I do it, I know they will make their beds but I also know I'll go in after they leave and redo it!

All I can do is try!

Don't worry skivvy we can both be bad mothers for caring for our kids and looking after them such.bad memories they will have as adults

It isn't caring for your kids-if you care you make sure they are ready to cope with the world!!

cariad I am sure we could all create some nice memories by feeding our DC chocolate and chips and never insisting they do their homework.

Still crap parenting!

YABU. All my children ran their own baths from at least the age of 8 ( we didn't have a shower until they were in their teens) and put toothpast on their brushes. DD3 is Dyspraxic and has other learning difficulties and even she did that, They also got their own breakfast. They would all have been aghast at me doing things like that for them when they were teenaagers.

I think you need to accept that with everyone getting more involved it isn't necessarily going to be done to quite your standards - but it will be done and you DSs will be learning very valuable life lessons. You also need to give them their space - I really don't think you should be entering DS1's room in his absence to remake his bed.

I would add for the 18-year-old that he gets himself up and showered without your assistance too - if he's out in the working world he needs to be doing pretty much everything for himself, otherwise you're holding him back.

I would also get them involved with prepping and cooking - in this age of obesity crises and whathaveyou, knowledge of how to prepare a balanced meal is very important.

having said all that - I must absolutely commend you on continuing to take it so well - if your DSs learn to take it on the chin and accept criticism with good grace as you do then that's one excellent life lesson learnt!

I feel sorry for the poor men/women that will marry your kids...

Mrs ds1 does get up shower and brush his teeth himself he's away to work before my alarm even goes off it's ds2 I do it with only cause I run the shower to get him out his bed and the toothpaste is habit,

If they were to prepare a meal for all of us it wouldn't be eaten till 6.30-7 at the earliest, I'm not going to ask them to cook or do washing as I'm in way before them and apart from that I'd be sitting about!

Pig so do I

I really understand OP.

I have seven DC, so it's really hard to arrange for them to do their own washing or ironing, there's just too much that needs to be done.

I was also brought up that my brothers shouldn't do anything. I find it very hard to see my DC doing their own housework. I think it's my job, not theirs.

My oldest boy has just asked to learn to iron, he is 23. I really felt so upset about it.

Skivvy I think you sound lovely. You've taken all this criticism on the chin and not once snapped back. I hope your children take after you in that and I wish I could be more like you too (smile)

Hopefully you're children will be fine. Just remember, if they do struggle a bit, that's actually a sign they need to do more themselves, not a sign that you need to step in and rescue them.

Also you should be prepared to feel like a spare part and lacking purpose. I've just hit that stage now my DD is in her first year at senior school and far more independent. I'm now looking to fill the gap. It wouldn't surprise me if you find the same thing as you get more time and realise how replaceable so much of your role is.