It is selfish for parents with disabilities to have DC

[undecidedanduncertain]

Apparently one DC is okay (if the disability is not too severe) but more is really selfish.

A parent at a playgroup said this to me today. She has (I think!) failed to realise that I am registered blind and have 3 young DC.

It makes me wonder how many other think this, but don't say it in front of me.

I don't think young carers is necessarily an advocacy role. I also don't see why sadoldbag isn't entitled to have felt that the situation these children / teens were in was wrong. It's funny how your views change when you do something for a living/voluntary role.

Do you not think telling those of us who have been there that our lives were wrong and that our parents shouldn't have had us is a tad insulting?

It is generally advocacy ime, having a named person you can talk to within controlled 'fun' settings
www.youngcarers.net/who_can_help_me/86/92
It's a bit rich to criticise the families who have sought this kind of support for their children under these circumstances to judge and criticise them or home life, it's the reason why they are there

"What I said to mummyofone, was a normal response. If people feel enough empathy for these 'poor young carers' then either contribute financially to charities that support them, as most of the outside help to support them comes from the voluntary sector. Or the alternative is to contribute your time.
If you care enough about it, that is."

So its charities and volunteers that need to step in, not the responsibility of the parent

I'm quite entitled to my own opinion, i do think its selfish to have a child knowing he/she will have to care for a parent whilst they are a child. The same as parents who have a large age gap then expect the elder sibling to care for the child. Children deserve a childhood, they should be cared for and nutured, not the other way round.

Do your parents have disabilities, HappyMummyOfOne?

Have a look on the carers UK website and have a read of it. It might be enlightening.

Most of our referrals don't come from families they come from schools and ss who are very worried about the very adult roles the children are taken on and in one instance we had a referral from a hospital were a 9 year old who was trying to cook Sunday dinner yet again undercooked the chicken and nearly killed very one with food poisoning.

I find it really disturbing that someone so judgemental works with young carers. Do the people who use your services know that you think they shouldn't have been born?

I read sadoldbags post as being annoyed with parents who are offered help (that they need), and who refuse it. I see no problem with that.
I can see why they are probably doing it, but I wouldnt disagree that their decision to not have help is not the best for their child?

If that makes any semblance of sense?

Add message | Report | Message poster ClaudiusGalen Tue 11-Feb-14 22:20:00
Point me to were I said young carers should not be born

Or have a

to be fair Sadoldbag is being truthful of the reality of things not that no disabled person should not have children there should be support in place for these children the work I do it is easy to be judgemental of parents as some of their ideas on parenting is down right neglectful, older children looking after young children etc etc and these people are perfectly able bodied, sometimes you can be cynical and supportive at the same time

You said that people with disabilities whose children may end up as their carers are selfish for having those children.

So I take that to mean that you'd rather I hadn't been born. Get your head out of your arse and realise that these aren't just words on a screen. You are actively devaluing some people's lives.

and it isnt about the adults it is about the children imo

poster BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability

To be honest I don't really care what they think I meant they can clearly read my post

but instead counting to post either I am saying disabled people should not have children or young carers should not be born

When I ask them to directly quote me they can't instead either insulting my spelling of counting to post things I haven't said thus they can't quote

poster ClaudiusGalen so what your now doing is taking what I have actually said and making up your own meaning

Again I ask you to quote me saying
"That young carers should not be born"

not what you think I said in you mind but what I actually said

So I suggest you get your heard out of your arse

When I work out what an heard is I'll get right on it. To be honest your posts are difficult to read.

Do you believe it is selfish of people with disabilities to have children if those children may end up with some caring responsibilities? That is what I have gleaned from your posts. If that isn't so, we have no beef. If that is so, I am pissed off with you because you are calling my loving, wonderful parents selfish.

Just in case anyone is curious about my interpretation, this is the post from upthread

"Many disabled parents have children with no issue plan and have support in place once a baby is born or are able to carry out the parenting task despite there disability

But sadly some disabled parents do rely on ther children to be carers and they went into having a child knowing this would be the case"

Heard means to hear or have been told something

I'm trying to work out how to pull the heard out of my arse. Will it be painful?

In my experience, young carers generally only end up taking on inappropriate caring roles (and some things are inappropriate for a child to be doing) when there is a lack of proper support for the cared for person (or a refusal to accept support). More and more cuts to services means more and more children and families picking up the slack. Children are often carers because they love their parents and siblings and want to help. It is the job of the parents (and professionals at times) to help them judge what is an appropriate caring role, and help them balance their own needs and aspirations with that role.

And some children care because it is expected of them, to the detriment of their own education and mental and physical healthy

Then there are the parents who refuse to access help (for a variety of reasons) and their child ends up caring way beyond what they want to do and what they should be doing, and what they are capable of doing.

When you've got teenagers feeling utterly distraught and guilty at wanting to move away and go to uni, because what will happen to mum? and will my little sister have to take on the caring role? And what about her education? and the mum is actively trying to guilt them into staying at home and putting their future on hold, then I start to run out of sympathy for the cared for person. Thankfully that is a situation that seems quite rare. Most of the people I've been in contact with worry hugely about the impact of their illness or disability on their children, and seek out and accept support for their families. It's just a shame we're well on the way to dismantling all the support that is available.

It's not a black and white, one size fits all thing, caring. It's complicated and everyone's situation is different.

OP, that woman was a thoughtless asshole.

No I never mentioned your mum and dad what are you talking about

In general the children I support are not happy with there caring role they want to play with friends in some cases some just want to go to school

I glad your happy with your parents but not all are

You not had to hold the head of a 13 year old who is sobbing whos parent is having a baby knowing it will be her having to do the night feeds as mum was not able to get down stairs to do the bottles ECt

what I said is that if you are disabled and know that after having the child they will have to play a full careing role for you or there siblings that is selfish

Hop along

These are exactly the worries the young people I supported told me

Sadold
Nobody, not you, or anybody else has the right to state that those with disabilities should not have children if they are likely to end up as carers.
According to you, we're saying the same things, but we're not.
You are stating that disabled people shouldn't have children with the intention of them being carers. My point is that the decision is none of your business and not for you to judge.

Sadoldbag, I am involved with young carers, yes. My cousin has written a book about the issue and obviously I was one. Now I'm a slightly older carer, and a teacher, so I do know of which I speak.

I just find it amazing that people with disabilities are held to a much higher standard than people without disabilities. How about helping that family get the home adapted for their needs? That mother would be able to do the night feeds if she didn't need to get up and down stairs. I don't think the answer is to judge people.

People with disabilities have the right to a family life and there are ways that this can happen without it being an onerous burden on the children. Condemning the parents for having the child isn't the way to make this happen.

Once again Dawndonna you are the voice of reason on one of these threads.