It is selfish for parents with disabilities to have DC

[undecidedanduncertain]

Apparently one DC is okay (if the disability is not too severe) but more is really selfish.

A parent at a playgroup said this to me today. She has (I think!) failed to realise that I am registered blind and have 3 young DC.

It makes me wonder how many other think this, but don't say it in front of me.

There is a man near us, who has cerebral palsy and doesn't have good speech or muscle control. He has clearly come up with strategies for coping, has a good job - commutes daily on the bus into the city - and looks after his two children who are, for what it's worth, clearly very happy and very well behaved. Walked past all three last week, they were coming back from the beach with a homemade go kart.. He seems to me, to be a better parent that some of the able bodied parents I've dealt with over time in schools, etc.

I'm so pleased that it isn't you saying this OP, because you were just about to get my first ever f* off and I never, ever swear. (not even on MN it would appear .)

My parents are both blind and raised 3 children perfectly well with no help. A mid wife told my mum that she should abort my youngest brother. There are no words...

Fireside, that was a very unpleasant MW. And I'm glad you were going to tell me to fuck off (IYSWIM...)

Silly woman. I'd imagine that children grow up to be very well rounded, understanding people if they have a disabled parent.

I'll leave others to judge that one, but it certainly gave me an abundance of life skills.

By the time I left home at 20, I was a good cook, knew how to do most household tasks and could hang wallpaper with the best of them. Yes I probably did more around the home than some of my friends, but I was a long way from being a house slave and I valued the things I learnt.

I had a child before I became disabled, am I meant to send her back?

No Vegetarian, exactly.

OH is disabled and would like a third child, I'd hate to know what some tit like playgroup parent makes of him.

DS1 loves it when he can do things I am not so good at. Like spot things that someone has left in the wrong place. I want my DC to be domestically capable, for their own benefit not mine, and will definitely be teaching them to cook and do other things around the house. DS1 got his 'ironing' badge at Beavers last week. I do not iron, so don't know how he acquired that skill.

There is a woman at a playgroup I go to who is visually impaired as is her husband and their little boy has inherited his fathers eye condition so he is also visually impaired. She has another little girl who is nearly 1 and as far as I know has no problems with her eye sight.
Apparently when she was in hospital giving birth a nurse shouted at her saying 'you can't look after this baby, you are blind!'

She is a fantastic mum and a lovely person, her children are loved dearly and they manage perfectly well on their own with no extra help.

If you can look after your kids, then no problem. :)

I know a few parents who do wonderfully, many have more than one child.

I know 2 girls who really didn't cope and their children were taken into care. One girl is pregnant with her 4th child. That is very silly...

I would love to have children, when I'm ready.

That's great, hellokitty. I hope you find that you can look after your kids too when you're ready to have them. People struggle for all sorts of reasons other than disability.

This society claims to be committed to giving disabled people every opportunity to live on an equal footing with people who aren't disabled, in every area of life - education, leisure, professionally etc.. Britain has signed up to a UN Treaty defending these rights for disabled people, including the right to bear children and raise them within the privacy of the home. Disabled people are entitled to state support in both fertility treatment and help with parenting tasks. Fact. (Getting it is often a hell of a fight, though. But I achieved it.).

Some posters are saying 'as long as you can look after the kids yourself, it's not selfish to have them.' That isn't the way disability works. Being completely independent in every area of life is often impossible when you have a disability; we often need help to live a fulfilled life in which we're giving something back, whether professionally, socially - whatever.

This isn't an issue on which everyone can agree because NOBODY agrees on the ideal situation in which to bring up children, or how less than ideal the situation has to be before it's not good enough. Most non-disabled parents have experience of 'not coping' with their kids to some extent. So do disabled parents. And every child, in every family, has to roll with the advantages and disadvantages of their lot. The kid in the fancy house with the harp lessons and the French nanny may yearn for a parent who is just there in the way I'm there for my DD. A wheelchair is pretty irrelevant. As is the fact that I couldn't lift her for the first year of her life.

OP, a survey suggests that just under a quarter of people in the UK feel it's selfish for disabled people to have kids. What do they know. Most daily mail readers would bring back the death penalty. Who cares. Your kids won't.

wouldbemedic - that is a very thoughtful and enlightening post.

I think if your disabled as long as you don't have children knowing they will be your your carer

If your disability dose not get in the way of the basic parenting duty then I can't see a issue

However I did work with a young carers charity and I must say I do think some of the parents who had children knowing not only would the oldest have to be there carer but care for the younger children was selfish indeed.

Whoever said this to you is a a 'effing idiot who really should think before they speak.

poster wouldbemedic
sorry but some of the disadvantages some young carers have to bare is not acceptable and whatever the parents issues our main focus should be the childrens welfare

But some disabled parents are fantastic and some are not just like everyone else

I don't think we should generalise and say all disabled parents are selfish I think of the artist who has no limbs she awesome and from what I saw makes sure her son is never is I the position were he is in the careening roll for her (I am sure he dose more that most ) but she seems t have a handle in contrast I have meet young people who do everything from Christmas dinner to taking siblings to the doctors

Plenty of disabled people are selfish.

As are plenty of able bodied people.

And imo it is almost always selfish to have a child at all, no child asked to be born, we do it because WE want a child.

I think anyone who chooses to have a child should be able to look after them and almost all of us need help in this disabled or not. What I do think is wrong is people having children so that the child can then look after them.

I really think people who are not open-minded and are judgemental regarding family situations should not be working as advocates for young carers.

I had no idea I had these disabilities before I had children, apparently it was all in my head .

I had children and sadly they inherited the same genetic condition.

If it was available I would have IVF to breed the dodgy gene out as I would not want another child to suffer. I don't think I would have another child too old not biologically I still could just over 35 now, and would not be good for my health, and I have deteriorated since I had my oldest children so not very fair on a child. This is my personal choice though.

I think it depends ..it is selfish to have children when you can't look after them..but that's disabled or not.

When I was preg n in hospital there was a women also in. She had both legs amputated and her husband had one leg.
Both in wheelchairs..he could use a crunch for short periods ... She was wheel chair bound. They were having twins the only thing that crossed my mind was .... How inspirational they were and there children were v much wanted they had big hearts.

I personally would've told her to fuck off!
I say this as a blind parent of a sighted 1 year old ds. My dh is also blind and we plan to have 4 children. Will my children be looking after me? No I have managed perfectly fine for the last 16 years so why would that change when I have children. I have had to endure such comments to my face too so I know how it feels. Will my children be driven to school and other such activities? No! Will they feel comfortable on public transport, walking and with dogs? Very much so! I hate the assumption that somehow my ds misses out because both dh and I can't see. I don't know many just turned 1 year olds who are walking, saying words in 2 languages and have been to NYC and Milan. Dh and I work hard to ensure ds and any future children can have everything they need both financially and practically. Did I get any special help? No even though I had terrible PND. I asked for a homestart volenteer before ds was born and I'm still waiting. I think that by the time they find someone I'll be back at work full time.
Fireside I would be interested to know what it was like for you growing up. I don't know anyone else who has blind parents. Do you wish your parents did anything differently? Is there anything they did that you admire them for? I hope you don't thing I am too nosey. Both dh and I work full time and would want to keep that up but I know as a blind person it's important to meet anyone ds would be in contact with to kill any judgments so I am a little worried about when he goes to school but thats a far off bridge I guess.
OP have a hug I know how shitty that can make you feel on the wrong day.

So think unless your a complete melon I think common sense says if your disabled and having children in order to care for you.

Then that's wrong

However if your disabled and are having children are able to look after then perform parenting duties then there is no issue

Actually, as society doesn't get the right to question people without disabilities about their choices, it sure as hell shouldn't question the choices of others. End of.

It's very hard to compare my life with the life I would have had with sighted parents because that's all I've ever known. I would say that it was perfectly normal and there were no disadvantages and many advantages.

My dad was self employed and my mum was a sahm, so a fairly traditional set up. I possibly did more around the home than some children and certainly more than children do today, but I think that was truer of most children then. Most of the extras I did through choice. I cooked because I enjoyed it and my mum wasn't the best cook in the world (nothing to do with being blind) and decorated the house because I wanted to and couldn't stand the wonky wall paper my dad put up.

I was never bullied because of my parents disabilities, had friends at school and I can't actually remember anyone commenting on it. It was all a bit of a non event.

My only regret is that I couldn't use my parents blindness to my advantage. Somehow they always knew what we were up to and we never got away with anything.

My siblings and I all have normal lives, with stable families and reasonable jobs.

I think I admire my parents most for the total normality of our home life. Nothing dramatic, nothing special, just normal. My mum's blindness is potentially hereditary and that didn't stop me having children of my own, so that must say something about the lack of trauma from being in a family with disabled parents.

Hope that helps nesticles.

It makes a difference if you have more than one child though I suppose that's a daft thing to say.

I'm the closest to NT - sister's severely autistic, mum is disabled with seizures/vertigo/anaemia etc. Not having a sibling or a nearby relation who can help me makes it very difficult indeed and can be very lonely. Once you hit 18 as well unless you choose to spend all your time at home and not employed - i.e. a full time carer - all support drops, it's a bump.

If you did choose to have a child knowing you were disabled it would be responsible to have a good idea of what support was available to that child.

There is a complete lack of support for carers of all kinds .. Worst was when my mum is in hospital. I have to be there for her, and be there for sister simultaneously. I am running to hospital 30 miles away, then home to watch sister (who is violent towards me and has left me cowering in cupboards before) then back to hospital at 8am the next day.. In November my mum was admitted suddenly, I had a planned admission that week for myself. Social work refused to help - 'You have made an active choice to help your family. As you have made that choice this is your problem to fix. Your admission is not our priority. However legally you are required to care for your sister.'

Yes , my choice, I signed a guardianship order for sister so that we could ensure she had the help she needs with medical consent etc. But for social work or treat me like that, and leave me trying to work out whether I should have my op or cancel it...

You can see that it can become a complete trap. If you don't 'care' you feel shit, and selfish. If you do, you don't have a life. Until they sort out support services I would be thinking v carefully about having a child if it was the case that you knew you would need a full time carer for most of the time.

All that said I would not change my family for the world - though I'd like my mum to have her health obviously, sister is different as her entire life is defined by autism and minus autism she wouldn't be herself.. I wouldn't say I resent my parents for having me because I love my mum to bits, best friend etc.

I just think it's something that you have to seriously consider - what support would be there etc. Same, I guess if you're having a child at an older age?

It's entirely different if you have a child and need help only some of the time, iykwim. There's less responsibility placed on the child in that circumstance.

Hope I'm not offending anyone. Just writing what I'm thinking and genuinely not meaning to cause upset if I am.