It is selfish for parents with disabilities to have DC

[undecidedanduncertain]

Apparently one DC is okay (if the disability is not too severe) but more is really selfish.

A parent at a playgroup said this to me today. She has (I think!) failed to realise that I am registered blind and have 3 young DC.

It makes me wonder how many other think this, but don't say it in front of me.

My mum was advised to abort twice. She has a neurological condition which can be exacerbated by pregnancy. At the age of 72 she is still looking after her grandchildren when I work and I have never provided any 'care' for her. Sweeping generalisations about all people with a disability are not helpful.

I have a DD with autism and I've recently been diagnosed with ASD myself. I won't be having another child, because I don't feel it's fair to DD or me as I definitely find it harder to parent with my disabilities (anxiety, depression and dyspraxia on top of ASD). I am not sure I would ever have had DD tbh if I had known the extent of my disabilities, and if I knew that she would be disabled too. ASD has a strong hereditary component and most families I know who have a child with ASD, also have at least one other child on the spectrum.

DD has a very high level of support (goes to a private residential school for autism which meets all her needs) and I know I only managed to secure that for her because I didn't have any other children to cope with - I had to get a legal team in place, pay for independent reports and battle against my local authority. I've seen friends really struggle to get any sort of provision for their children, with even more severe problems than DD, but it's harder because they have more than one child's needs to deal with, plus the costs are prohibitive if you're paying for several appeals. I know that I'll have to continue to support DD throughout adulthood and I don't see how I'd be able to do that with the costs of another child, especially as there's a good chance that any other child I have could also be on the spectrum, or have similar traits.

So , and this is a genuine question.How do you keep a mobile baby/toddler safe if you can't see them?

I have some sight pixiepotter. In my case, I am extra vigilant about childproofing the house (more vigilant certainly than most people I know).

I used reins with my first two DC. I haven't used them with my third, mainly because she is usually in the pushchair for journeys like the school run as we are on a time-constraint and can't dawdle.

I keep physical contact with them when possible (arm on shoulder, that type of thing)

I tend to avoid very busy/crowded places - for example we go to the playground early in the day when it's quiet, rather than later on when it's crowded and easier to lose sight of a child.

I train my DC to be road-aware, to walk sensibly beside me/the pram on the school run, to stop at every road, and to check driveways for incoming/outcoming cars. I don't let them run/scoot ahead. I also train them to pay attention to my voice and come when I call them.

I talk to my DC a lot, so in situations where I can't see them clearly, I am aware of where they are from the sound of their voices. They are also used to me saying 'what are you doing', and telling me. 2yo DC3 is endearingly honest e.g. 'I am SCRIBBLING on DS2's PICTURE, Mummy'.

I have perfected the 'goosestep' maneouvre for putting a sleeping baby in a cot in a dark room. Baby in arms, high-kick goosesteps till my foot/leg locates the side of the cot, then lean over and ease child in

I think continuing to have children knowing that your existing children will have to be carers for the new baby is selfish.

As is having a child(ren) and refusing outside help so the child(ren) have to act as carers. I know someone who works in that field and it does sometimes happen. Completely understand someone not wanting outside help, but it's not fair to turn it down at the expense of your children.

Ah MrsJay I had exactly the same comment from my FiL. He even told his neighbour that he reckoned we wouldn't be able to cope with another one. However the neighbour was with her daughter, who is a really good mate of mine, and she absolutely tore a strip off him and praised my parenting to the heavens.

SadOldBag, you have really horrible attitude you know. Disabled people are entitled by law to help with being parents. We should all be campaigning for the government to stop shirking this responsibility rather than blaming disabled people. It is really quite shocking that a person with your lack of empathy ever had a job supporting carers.

All theae people preaching away that people with disabilities shouldn't have kids from their smug position as parents should seriously stop and yhink a bit before preaching.

Um how dare you

point me to any part of my post were I have said disabled parts are not entitled to help

Please don't misprespent what I have said I have repeated on pretty much every post that as long as ypur child is not your carer knowgly there is no issue but one should not have a child that will certainly be the parents sole carer it's not fair

I don't think that any parent has a child envisaging that their child will be their sole carer. It isn't feasible for a very young child to be a carer, and is unlikely to be the parents original intention. It is an (unacceptable) situation that develops.

You moomin will not find any post on this. Thread were I have said that disabled people should not have children or are not entitled to help.

Please read the actual post and don't make things up

I have said disabled parents can be fab but it is selfish to have a child knowing it will be your sole carer or sudo parent to siblings.

Many disabled parents have children with no issue plan and have support in place once a baby is born or are able to carry out the parenting task despite there disability

But sadly some disabled parents do rely on ther children to be carers and they went into having a child knowing this would be the case

But the issue is that according to the law, the actual law, disabled people should be supported to be parents. We shouldn't be standing around wringing our hands that poor little kids are having to care for their evil, selfish disabled parents, we should be getting bloody angry that the government is not doing what it is supposed to do. Can you not see that?

It's such a difficult subject but on the whole I do believe that people should only TTC if they are able to parent without the child then becoming the main carer of the parent. Children deserve childhoods.

Moomin yes however some parents as BerniceBroadside mentioned actually refuse outside help due to fear or other reasons

And I take issue with your poor little kids comment these children have Extremely sad lives often missing long periods of school which leads to low attemiment ECt , taking of adult tasks including taking siblings to doctors cooking dinner (we even had one girl who had cooked chrit as dinner since she was 7 ) ECt so have another

And no one mentioned evil disabled parents

I don't want to talk to you any more miss representing what I am saying and replacing it with emotive talk also

Having no regard for the children who lives are often ruined by playing the role of a adult

the govermnt should do more but there not so people need to think about there family choices and the impact they will have on there children

(Sp) Christmas dinner

Bangs head against the wall.
If disabled people were getting the proper support they were entitled to in law then there. Would be no need for any kid to lose their childhood.

They should but are not so in the mean time while we wait for the grate and the good to get there shot together people should have children regardless of the effect on there childhood ?

Bangs head against wall

(Sp) shit

I'm walking away from this now. Ignorant, prejudiced people cannot be reasoned with.

Moomin I just wanted to say I completely get you.

Me and my siblings will probably be carers for our Autistic brother, because he's an adult so the authorities have washed their hands of him.

But one thing which helped me to decide in favour of having mine was the disabled academic Tom Shakespeare, who makes the point that "for almost every child, it is almost always better to have been born than never to have been born"

Can you not see that this is a completely nonsense argument though? Of course most people are happy to be alive, regardless of circumstances, but there aren't loads of unborn babies wishing they were alive.

drivenfromdistraction

I saw Alison Lapper on TV once escorting her two year old son across a busy main road using just her voice giving him constant instructions. Made me feel a little ashamed really, we should all be able to do that, as able bodied parents we just take the easiest option, hold their hand, not teaching them to cross the road themselves.

I don't think that any parent has a child envisaging that their child will be their sole carer.

I have heard a disabled couple say that.

It's always a bit selfish to have a child isn't it? I did it for me. I didn't think ooh lucky unborn child to have me as a mother.

Surely, it depends on their ability to care for the children. Much like it does with people who have no disabilities.

Not every physically able/NT parent is fantastic. So that general blanket statement made by the woman you spoke to op is ignorant in the extreme.

They should but are not so in the mean time while we wait for the grate and the good to get there shot together people should have children regardless of the effect on there childhood ?

Bangs head against wall
No, we don't. We tell the great and the good that this is what we want, and that we want it now.
What you don't seem to comprehend Sadold is that nobody has children solely for the purpose of training them as a carer.
Nobody questions the parenting choices or rights of people without disabilities.
Nobody, not you, or anybody else has the right to state that those with disabilities should not have children if they are likely to end up as carers.

I completely and utterly agree with you.

She's a knobend.

Although I do think it's selfish to have children if you can't adequately care for them. So if you have a disability and you have children you should be able to care for them solely or have some help with a non disabled or less disabled partner/family member or get some hired help to help with anything that needs doing that can't be done by said disabled parent.

Simply so that all the children's needs are met.

My partner is completely blind and I am registered blind but have some vision and I have a daughter (10 months old) who I adore. I will have number 2 if I'm blessed enough to conceive another and not sure about number 3, but definitely no more than that. Nobody has the right to tell me I shouldn't have children as long as I can give them food/water/they are safe then I don't see how I am doing them a disservice. I am a loving mother whom would do anything for her daughter.

At the end of the day, it's pure ignorance.

Um, I think Alison Lapper would hold hands if she could. I have a copy of her autobiography, very good read, but what she went thru in pregnancy & as a new mum was very scary. She needed tonnes more support than usual, for someone who was so fiercely independent, I think taking that support must have been the hardest part.

There's a family locally who have brittle bone disease. Mother has it & walks with crutches, she had something like 9 children most of whom have it as well & sporadically use wheelchairs. At least 2 grandchildren have it. They live communally (many generations under one roof, very into family helping family).

One of the older teens (without BBD) was told she couldn't go to college because the was needed to help the family; she's a bright girl with a cleaning job & zero prospects.

I don't feel comfortable about it.