It is selfish for parents with disabilities to have DC

[undecidedanduncertain]

Apparently one DC is okay (if the disability is not too severe) but more is really selfish.

A parent at a playgroup said this to me today. She has (I think!) failed to realise that I am registered blind and have 3 young DC.

It makes me wonder how many other think this, but don't say it in front of me.

Hmm, maybe that's wrong. You can be a carer and have a life,it's just hard iyswim.

Shouldnthavesaid, I think all your posts on this thread are really good and a true reflection of how your life is and I am sorry you do not get more support :( I am not surprised though at social services reaction, they are pretty much the same with all carers

I don't know. I think about this a lot. Right now it's clear I can't have children as my caring responsibilities are too great. I can't physically do it with a baby, or heavily pregnant, and there's no help as SHS explains. I also recently had to pass on medical care I really needed because of caring. I'd obviously choose the child's wellbeing, which realistically would mean that DH would at some point die because I chose the baby.

I still want the baby. It is selfish. It's about me and what I want. I haven't gone ahead.

It's a complicated question. There's a theoretical, moral answer, and then there's the real answer about what would really happen in the world. I think we should change that, but also that it hasn't changed yet.

I think people who are rude arseholes shouldnt have children. This woman clearly shouldnt be allowed any. How rude.

somebody said to me when i was pregnant with dd2 Oh was once not enough for you what if the (points at bump) is like you was a friend of my aunts old boot

I have a physical disability my dc have never cared for me you just plod on the best you can really, op folk are just bloody rude

Gosh that's just vile mrsjay. What is wrong with people

she is just not a very nice person she used to work in a hospital and is of course qualified to comment on any illness medical condition blah blah I avoid her in the street . My disability isnot genetic but my dds will be advised to take extra folic acid thats all ,anyway I am waffiling do I think it is selfish for disabled people to have children no, there is plenty of people who shouldnt have children but they are never questioned

I have 2 DC, I had them BEFORE I had my accident. I'd rather have mobility difficulties than the obvious difficulties your playgroup Mum has, TBH! Perhaps she should play by herself for a while until she learns to calm down and play nicely with others!

Selfish to have children if you cant care for them physically, motionally or financially. That applies to all parents not one specific group.

Having children knowing they will be a carer is beyond selfish, some of the footage they show on tv re young carers is heartbreaking. So much responsibility, no chance to be just a child.

Happymumofone, why don't you volunteer for you local carers charity or carers cafe if you feel so strongly? Or volunteer for crossroads?

I find it odd to say the least that people are quick to condemn the disabled as selfish (hollow laugh) and yet really if we live in a lovely, equal society, surely we all want to make others people's lives more pleasant and help where and when we can?

No, it doesn't work like that. I know that from my own experience of caring

Owl lady I think you should have a happymumofpne makes a excellent point she was not being mean or harsh very balanced

And btw I worked with young carers for years and some of theses children live very sad lives indeed *if your disabled and know you don't have the tools that are needed to preform basic parenting tasks then I am afraid it's selfish

You are looking at this from the parents view we are looking from the child which is the only view that matters

I think it depends on the disability. If you need your children to be your carers then yes, I DO think it's selfish.

Purposely bringing a child into the word knowing it is likely to be your sole carer and or having more children so they become sudo parents to siblings is selfish.

if you fall ill after you have a child and struggle then fair enough but setting out to have a child you can't look after is very selfish indeed

I would never want my child to take on the caring role that I do for DH. I'm not saying my life is a tragedy or anything, but I'd never do that to another person. I was a 'young carer' and now I'm an old carer and, no, it's not right. It's not what you'd want for your child.

But I don't want it for me, either. I want to change the system of enslaving a single unlucky family member. I don't think it's right for anybody to be sacrificed like that and in a system where no one is, then it could be a moral choice to have a child in a family with severe disability.

My DH would be a wonderful father.

Anatana

Lots of hugs I really feel for you

Having a child has (so far) been an amazing experience. I can't see why people with disabilities should be denied that experience.

Add message | Report | Message poster breatheslowly Tue 11-Feb-14 18:16:19
Having a child has (so far) been an amazing experience. I can't see why people with disabilities should be denied that experience.

Have a as well nobody is saying the disabled should not have children your being emotive for. No reason

people are clearly saying if your disabled and your sole carer would end up being your child it's selfish and not fair on the child

Beathslowley

unless of course washing your adult parent from the age of 7 ironing, cooking , paying bills possibly missing school doing school run for siblings ECt you think that's a good life for a small child and a proper way for them to spend there child hood

Another disabled mother here, and I have wrestled and fought with myself over this one. The only conclusion I could reach was one of absolute subjectivity, relativity, personal choice - that it can only be decision of each woman involved, and that I'd never want to pass comment on anyone else's decisions.

So, OP YANBU, and the woman you describe is vile.

But one thing which helped me to decide in favour of having mine was the disabled academic Tom Shakespeare, who makes the point that "for almost every child, it is almost always better to have been born than never to have been born".

I think it depends on the disability and how much of a carer the child would end up being. Mostly I do think people who have multiple kids with the same hereditary and horrible illness are being selfish. If I knew the odds were 1/4 my kid would have a life limiting illness I would make sure future kids were ivf to rule it out.

Sadoldbag - I don't think that I am being unreasonably emotive. The natural extension to saying that "having children if you are disabled is selfish" is to say "so they shouldn't have children".