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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

hmmm aibu to ask ... was just reading another thread .. how old do you think its acceptable for your children to move out .. would you let them stay tilmthey were 30 ?

493 replies

mummywithsmiles · 10/02/2014 17:19

Yep just that really , I'm 22 sister 29 and other sister 32 ,we all live with my mum.

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mummywithsmiles · 10/02/2014 17:57

Mishmash as I said I have diff reasons.right now I need my mum and if my sisters moved out ... My mum would like us to stay and I don't see the issue with living with her a we would both be helping each other out.

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nevermindthecat · 10/02/2014 17:57

Exactly brian

There are some odd, odd attitudes on this thread. I was living on the streets aged 20, I can't say I'd feel I had 'failed' in any way by my DD not doing the same, just the opposite really.

For me it really is as simple as - I will help them when needed and hope they will do the same for me if and when the time comes.

oliviaoctopus · 10/02/2014 17:58

I would think the majority of people would be married with children and a mortgage at age 30. Its rare to be that old and still at home

pussycatdoll · 10/02/2014 17:58

Danceparty - obviously that's a different scenario & as you didn't mention it you can't get snippy at us for not being mindreaders so Hmm back at you

Alisvolatpropiis · 10/02/2014 17:59

Bar a spell of 4 months I haven't lived at home full time since I had just turned 19 and headed to uni.

I love my family, they love me, had me back when I needed to go back. Wouldn't stand for me merrily living there forever because I couldn't be arsed to move out. I wouldn't want to either, I don't think it is healthy (assuming not issues with either child or parent, sometimes it is necessary).

betman · 10/02/2014 18:00

Sorry- posted too soon!

I moved out aged 18 and couldn't imagine moving back. I love having my own space. I think if an adult lives at home they should pay a fair share of all bills/ mortgage/ rent/ food etc (split equally between people like a house share would). I feel sorry for parents with grown up kids at home (who are home for long term, not just to get back on feet etc).

gordyslovesheep · 10/02/2014 18:00

oh I love a good passive aggressive drip feed me Grin

anyway back to the OP - I left home at 17 - I would expect my 3 to be off in the world by 21 - past 25 and I'd move and leave them to it!

bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 18:01

my older one is back from uni, he's 24 and waiting to join the navy but he can't wait to move in even though we all get on.
ds2 23 moving back after uni this summer but be off soon am sure.

teen dds still here.

think I would have failed as a parent if mine didn't want to be indeoendant really. it's what should happen.

MothratheMighty · 10/02/2014 18:01

Not surprising it's rare in this country, given the response to the OP. Grin
But then my parents and siblings are all still on their first marriages, which is also increasingly rare. Family relationships and dynamics differ from group to group, diversity is good. Isn't it?

MaryWestmacott · 10/02/2014 18:01

I would say within 2 years of leaving full time education. Those who have stayed through their 20s to 30+ always strike me as having missed a stage of adulthood and independence while young. It also encourages often unrealistic ideas about adult living standards.

SuckItAndSee · 10/02/2014 18:03

PILS effectively bought SIL a flat when she was 31 (long-term lent her 50% deposit making the mortgage affordable) - an extreme step, which I guess means they thought it was time she went

oliviaoctopus · 10/02/2014 18:03

My parents and all my family and friends are all on our first marriages mothra. I wouldnt say thats particularly rare at all.

MrsKoala · 10/02/2014 18:05

So Brian, your parents wouldn't mind your brother/sister coming back from a club/party with a group of mates and strangers, cracking open booze, playing loud music, dancing round, then fucking loudly? Mine would and so would i. I've done my time living in house shares, i'm not about to start again in my 50s.

nevermindthecat · 10/02/2014 18:05

But there is a difference surely in "couldn't be arsed to move out" and "desperate and no other options."

I imagine most people living at home fall somewhere between the two. I'll be honest here: I get lonely, living on my own. Really lonely. It's more expensive and its hard when you're ill and at the risk of sounding pathetic, I do feel quite vulnerable and scared sometimes.

House share? No thanks :) In my experience house shares I've had in the past tend to be anti social anyway with people holed in their bedrooms.

If my mum and sister were still around my preferred option would go - share with mum or sister or both, live alone, house share.

I recognise for some people living with parents is akin to hell on earth but why assume that applies to everybody and that some parents aren't easy to get on with, pleasant company?

mummywithsmiles · 10/02/2014 18:08

Sorry if it comes across I'm drip feeding didn't mean too.. I have spoken openly on other threads about my situation. I just think its weird that its deemed unacceptable in this country. Some countries have generations living under one roof.

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Tailtwister · 10/02/2014 18:08

In an ideal world I would like to say they would be off with jobs and in their own place (rented room) by their early 20's. That said, it's a very different world now and jobs are hard to come by. They would be welcome to stay at home as long as it was necessary I suppose.

It would have driven me batty if I'd had to stay at home after graduating and I had a lot of freedom since my Dad travelling a fair amount.

shewhowines · 10/02/2014 18:08

For their own sakes and independence, then around 18 - 21 ish.

I probably won't mind if it is longer. I think I will suffer from empty nest syndrome but they need to establish their own lives without mummy and daddy.

It might make financial sense to stay at home and save for a few years but I would make sure that they are saving and not living the life of Reilly. They would need some long term plan, not just a wait and see attitude. I would probably also charge them board and lodgings and secretly save it for them to give them an unexpected financial boost when they do go.

DanceParty · 10/02/2014 18:09

you can't get snippy at us

Only you were snippy at me pussycat - no-one else was. And after 28 years I'm sick of mentioning Aspergers tbh. Anyway, whatever happened to integration and disabilities equality Grin

MothratheMighty · 10/02/2014 18:14

Mine are both articulate, intelligent polite young adults who are also Aspies Dance. Grin
Must be why they don't do the boozing, fucking, dancing, trash the house shit that MrsK fears.
Or the lying around whilst being waited on hand and foot by adoring parents.

mummywithsmiles · 10/02/2014 18:16

Just to clarify , my mum doesn't do everything for me lol , although does cook a killer roast hmmm.
I also don't pay rent right now , my 2 sisters pay weekly though.

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ThatBloodyWoman · 10/02/2014 18:17

I intend to move out before the kids are 30, so I can go on adventures.

I left home at 17.

SpookedMackerel · 10/02/2014 18:20

SIL and BIL lived at home with their respective parents until late 20s, saved to buy a house together.

Dh and I struck out on our own early, both basically never returned home after university. We rented a few years, tried to save what we could, then also bought a starter-home sized house together, the year after SIL and BIL had bought theirs.

SIL and BIL had a much bigger deposit saved, bought a bigger house than us, sold it on, moved into a new house. Their current house is worth more than double the value of ours.

Slightly feel dh and I were mugs, but we wanted to live together, not with our parents, no real regrets. But undoubtedly it makes financial sense to stay at home longer.

Salmotrutta · 10/02/2014 18:23

I don't really think it's anyone else's business whether offspring stay on at home Hmm

Why on earth would anyone care about other people's living arrangements?

And it's "unhealthy" to stay on in the parental home past 20ish?? Give me strength!

I can't remember who posted that but what a load of crap you are spouting whoever you are.

And just in case anyone wondered - both of my DC are in their own places - but it was extremely tough for them saving up to do that.

It's a nightmare for young folk just now and I think it's very sensible to stay on at home until circumstances improve.

Can't believe some of the weird attitudes on here - it was very, very common not so long ago for young men and women to stay on at home until they either got married or got a job away from home etc.

MaryWestmacott · 10/02/2014 18:23

Mummy - I think it's because in this country, we don't normally defer to our parents once adults, which other cultures do, so living under the same roof doesn't seem as odd in those cultures because you wouldn't be expected to be fully independent from your parents even if you were living elsewhere.

In this country, it does seem weird, because it's assumed you'd want independence. I guess I find those who've lived at home for an extended time after leaving education as rather selfish and childish, because they aren't having to face adult decisions, they aren't having to budget properly, they aren't responsible for a home (even if you rent, it's your responsibility to keep that to a standard the landlord wants and responsible for the rent), they often aren't the one deciding what's for dinner and cooking/cleaning (even if they help out), they are usually seem to have wages that are veiwed more as "pocket money" than money to live off.

It's also not deciding your own house rules, but living by someone elses (which follows into the overnight guest rules, it's someone else's decision if you are allowed, and you have to think about your mum hearing if you want to be noisy). You aren't deciding how you will live your life, someone else is, and you are deciding if you can put up with it, you don't decide the rules, just if you can tolerate them. That's very different to being fully in control of your own life.

mummywithsmiles · 10/02/2014 18:24

Can I ask this question
So my mum has a 3 bed housing flat in an estate. If sisters moved out it would just be me,daughter and mum do you not think its better. Than going to the housing and getting more social housing when I have an adaquate home. Or private letting and needing 1250 a month housing to even cover the cost.

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