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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

194 replies

jobesaurus · 10/02/2014 14:40

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 16:28

OP I'm going to tread lightly and just say flat out that it's hard for me to give advice because I cannot see myself ever choosing to terminate for any reason. I do understand others' reasons for doing so, however.

In your case...I think recovering from an abortion you don't want would be very, very tough. I think your DH thinks that it will be like it never happened, but since it's your body it will never have not happened for you.

He seems abusive to be completely honest.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:28

Yes, vaper, and that is why other people on this thread are trying to have a bit of empathy and offer advice instead of judgement.

hotair · 10/02/2014 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 16:31

I understand his reasoning but quite frankly he needs to (to use a hated phrase) man up. What would he say if one of your daughters was in this position in the future?

If you know you will regret it every day and have depression from time to time already, I wouldn't do it. I have two friends who deeply regret theirs (tbf I also have friends who don't) and it is heartbreaking to watch.

hotair · 10/02/2014 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:36

That is vile. The OP is having a hard enough time in real life without that kind of shit.

formerbabe · 10/02/2014 16:37

The ops children are also going to be affected by whatever decision she makes....

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 10/02/2014 16:38

OP I posted the link, not to upset you but for a poster up thread who was making inappropriate comments. I posted in order to show the development stage of a 6 week embryo (and how very early it is along in pregnancy) I don't think you should abort because you don't seem to really want to. But I certainly don't think a woman who aborts a 6 week old fetus is aborting a "baby" in any way. And that was the point I was making.

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:40

So at 6 weeks you think abortion is just another form of contraception then vege? It's not a baby after all, just some cells right?

hotair · 10/02/2014 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Queenofknickers · 10/02/2014 16:44

Please stop rowing and bickering people - OP has posted for our help NOT to ignite an abortion debate - start a separate thread if you want one of those.

OP - my heart goes out to you.

Xoticdreamz · 10/02/2014 16:45

It sounds very much like you want to continue with the pregnancy . I was very scared having a planned third baby about the upheaval and change but for me it worked out fine.
I have though also had a termination and although it was upsetting I knew it was the right thing to do at that point of my life.
It will very much change your whole marriage if your OH does not stop acting like you have no choices .

Queenofknickers · 10/02/2014 16:45

X-post hot air!!

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:47

I totally agree with choice. A womans choice what happens to her body in any and every sense.

Aborting because you want to keep a man in your life, therefore effectively choosing him over one of your children (yes, this is how I see it) no, I don't agree.

Goldencity1 · 10/02/2014 16:48

Don't listen to anyone trying to make you feel guilty or push their own agenda, you need to do what is best for YOU.

If you don't want an abortion, don't have one. No one should try to force you, not on here, and certainly not your DP. If you did go ahead because he pushed you into it, you would end up hating him.

I can understand the panic setting in at the thought of another child, but people do cope with large families and not much money. You have still got all the equipment needed? Cot, high chair etc etc? You would be elegible for more benefits/tax credit I'm sure, I'm not an expert but there will be someone along who can tell you.

Not having much money while you are growing up is not the end of the world, my mum was left on her own with me and no money. I don't remember a deprived childhood, I remember a loving home and a wonderful mum. My nan was widowed with 7 children under 10 [her husband wouldn't take either precautions or take no for an answer] and brought them up on 2 and 6pence for her and 6p for each child in the days before social security. They were a happy, close family who grew up to have good jobs and families of their own.

Waffling I know, sorry.

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:49

I guess my last post contradicts itself, I am finding it hard to explain.

Jess03 · 10/02/2014 16:49

Good luck with the counselling op, your situation very tough and you are the person that has to decide, actually judgmental people for me are missing the point of it being our responsibility to help others, not judge them, especially if of a religious frame of mind. Sit your dh down and be honest, he must have the snip as a min - what have you got to lose?

Finola1step · 10/02/2014 16:49

Hi Jobe. Am new to the thread and just wanted to say you are absolutely making the right decision to see a counsellor. Only talking it through with a trained professional is really going to help you on this one as the situation provokes such emotionally charged reactions.

A previous poster referred to two options; baby or husband. I think really you are looking at a third option which is don't have the baby to keep the husband and more to the point, keep your dd's father in the tamily Hbut this will damage the marraige beyond repair.

Original poster
jobesaurus · 10/02/2014 16:50

Sorry I thought link was posted by one of my non supporters!

At my stage the embryo is just a bunch of cells that have the potential to turn into a baby. Which is why I would have found the decision to terminate at this stage slightly easier than in 2 weeks when the embryo has a heartbeat. The withdrawal method has prevented me getting pregnant for well over a year so maybe I can be forgiven a little for trusting it to work.

I have a friend who has had 2 16 week terminations and moved on relatively easily, maybe I'm being soft in thinking an early term one will break me as much as I think it will.

OP posts:
Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:51

Pffft, religious frame of mind. I am the least religious person I know.

cricketpitch · 10/02/2014 16:52

Poor you OP. If you believe that you would regret a termination as you say in your last post then you have answered yourown question. Your marriage will either survive or it won't but my feeling is that if you have a termination that you don't want you are not going to be able to carry on happily ever after.

Counselling will help. Talking to your DH, who may just be very worried, and giving him a bit of time to get used to the idea also might help.

My own DH was pretty much against our second DC and tbh he was right that it has made life more difficult than it needed to be, (money, my career, space etc), but I love my DS and we are still ok as a family. I would never have forgiven him had I been persuaded by his fears.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:52

Job, whatever you decide, it is your decision to make. Hope the counselling helps.

MiniTheMinx · 10/02/2014 16:52

This isn't the place to debate abortion.

Finola1step · 10/02/2014 16:52

Oops. iPhone fingers.

Should read "keep your dd's father in the family home. But this will damage your marraige possibly beyond repair. I really feel for you OP and I'm not sure if AIBU is the place to get the support that you need right now. Might be worth asking MNHQ to move thread".

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