WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

[jobesaurus]

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

[randomAXEofkindness]

Thanks scaevola, saved me a job.

[Letitsnow9]

I feel so sad for you, I don't have any experience or wise words but his arguement of a 3rd baby will break you up, I'm sure the emotional impact of terminating your baby to try and keep your husband for your girls will cause an even bigger rift.
As others have said, YOU decide whether to keep the baby or not based upon how you feel. From your post it sounds like you don't want an abortion

[digerd]

A friend of mine fell pregnant at 38 when she changed her type of contraceptive pill and he failed to use a condom for that first month.

[scaevola]

Here is an extract from a textbook of contraception giving perfect and typical use failure rates.

[scaevola]

That's like saying condoms only work of you put them on correctly and they don't rip, or the pill only works if you remember to take it, or the coil only works if it doesn't drop out.

That is why contraceptive methods are listed with a "perfect use" and a "typical use" rating

Every single contraceptive method has a fail rate. The only totally safe approach is abstinence, or possibly non-PIV sex if semen is kept well clear.

[steff13]

OP, I'm glad for you. After our own "oops" baby, I had Essure. It's worked well for over a year, no hormones, and no side effects.

[Sallyingforth]

random you know the answer to this without being told but I'll spell it out anyway...
Withdrawal works, but only if the man withdraws at the correct time. When a couple are both approaching orgasm, mistakes are so easily made and there are many people around to testify to this. The only totally safe 'withdrawal' is mutual masturbation.

[randomAXEofkindness]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comparison_of_birth_control_methods

^^Withdrawal is comparable in efficacy to the latex condom.

So about the same opportunity for it to go wrong as a condom then Sally?

[Sallyingforth]

Withdrawal is protective against pregnancy. Done correctly, it compares well to other forms of contraception.
Come off it random
The whole point about withdrawal is that you can't always 'do it correctly' - there's so much opportunity for it to go wrong.

[falulahthecat]

jobesaurus
I'm so pleased for you, just shows a little more talking can often go a long way :)

[SomethingkindaOod]

Just read through the thread and am glad it's ended well, just wanted to add a little encouragement.
When we found out we were expecting number 3 Dh almost fainted. We went ahead almost in shock until the first scan was out of the way and had DD2 2 years ago. He dotes on her and got through his vasectomy without a hitch, despite a very real phobia of operations.
If you still want him to consider a vc after baby is born get him to talk to colleagues. When DH was thinking it through he raised the subject at an after work drink session and it was apparently hard to shut his colleagues up about the ins and outs of the whole thing!
Hope all goes well

[meditrina]

OP: glad you have found a way through this.

If vasectomy remains a possibility, you might like to look at various threads about it on MN, and the NHS Choices page. Although 'minor' in the sense that it can be done under local, it is still surgery with a 10% risk of the more serious complications.

[Tulip26]

How awful for you. They are coming up with new contraceptives all the time you know? Nothing and I mean nothing agreed with me until I tried the depo.

However your husband sounds like a massive arsehole. He's trying to make you go through an abortion you're undecided on but he won't have the snip or even wear a condom?! Take your little girls and LTB darling, you are so much better than this.

[randomAXEofkindness]

I'm really glad for you Jobes. Congratulations x

Just want to point out for the record that I think this:

But you were also BU for accepting the risk and agreeing to have unprotected sex unless you had both agreed that you wanted another child.

is unreasonable. Withdrawal is protective against pregnancy. Done correctly, it compares well to other forms of contraception. The op wasn't being unreasonable at all.

[Lottystar]

Pleased for you op, sounds like you found resolution and that originally your hubby was just shell shocked. Good luck with your pregnancy

[lanbro]

I too shouldve rtwt! Great news!

[lanbro]

I don't think anyone knows how they would react to a termination until they have one unfortunately. I had one at 7 wks almost four years ago. I had just started seeing my now husband and a stupid mistake led to an unplanned pregnancy. If I hadn't terminated I don't think the relationship would have lasted and I wouldn't have the wonderful family and two daughters we now have. I don't regret it for a second, and was emotionally fine afterwards. Some may say I am cold hearted but it was definitely the right decision for us.

only you can decide good luck op

[ohfourfoxache]

Oh god I should have rtft! Sorry!

Brilliant outcome, huge congrats!

[ohfourfoxache]

If you don't want to terminate then don't terminate. He knew the risks and he cannot force you into having an abortion simply as another method of contraception.

Not sure I'd want sex with him ever again regardless of whether or not he has the snip. He sound like a arsehole

[Trapper]

Glad you managed to reach an agreement. Make sure you have the contraception discussion again before you are at risk becoming pregnant again. There are non-hormonal options for you and non-medical options for him. You should not emotionally bully him into a vasectomy just as he should not emotionally bully you into an abortion. You have just made a positive decision together about the pregnancy together, I have my fingers crossed that you will have a positive discussion about contraception when the time is right.
Best of luck with everything

[Meerka]

oh that is fantastic, jobesaurus the best possible result. It looked so bleak from what you thought before, there were no happy paths out of the situation.

This couldnt be better :)

But .... do consider your contraception methods for after the birth ... this isnt a situation that's good to find yoruself in twice!

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Glad to hear your good news.

[Suicidal5833]

Congratulations that's wonderful news.

[Robbabank]

Glad you were able to discuss it again with your husband op and he was honest about his fears.

He must think about those concerns again now and commit to not putting you both in this position again. Is he more afraid of the potentially serious complications of birth? Or the relatively minor discomfort of a vasectomy? If the former then why did he risk it?

I would advise some contraception counseling whenever you can schedule it in. That would help to go through all the options and allay any fears he may have about vasectomy. And if any of your friends have had it it would be good to talk to them too.

My husband has one planned in a few months and is looking forward to lots of guilt free fun afterwards.
Good luck and hope your pregnancy goes well. 3 is a wonderful number. The early weeks are hard but you will come out the other side.