WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

[jobesaurus]

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Why are we so, so supportive of any woman who considers the option of abortion...those who weigh up the pros and cons...but if any man DARE suggest it as a possibility, he's a massive cunt?

Because it is a WOMAN's decision about HER body.

A man "suggesting" that another person put themselves through the trauma of an unwanted termination IS an massive cunt.

If a woman wants an abortion, you don't seed to "suggest" it to her.

[skyeskyeskye]

sorry that you are in this situation. I had a similar problem with XH. I couldn't take the pill due to being overweight and my age. I was on the injection for years and it made me put on weight. After years of stuffing hormones into my body I thought that he should take some responsibility for contraceptive. He didn't get on with condoms, so we used the withdrawal method for a while, but there is always that fear of getting pregnant isn't there.

I asked XH to have the snip and he refused. I did say to him, that if he wouldn't have the snip and wouldn't use condoms, and I couldn't take anything, then the only alternative was to not have sex at all....

Only you can decide about the termination, but he has no right to insist on one when he knew the possible consequences of not using contraceptives.

If your H is totally adament that he doesn't want another child, then the only thing he can do is to have the snip IMO. It shouldn't all be down to you to have to deal with the consequences

[ZillionChocolate]

Really sorry you're having such a tough time. I agree with previous posters that you and DH were both irresponsible but it's done now. The two decisions, what to do about this pregnancy and contraception afterwards are not linked. I suppose DH's willingness to prevent this happening again might be a factor in whether you continue in your relationship with him. Whether he's your husband or not, he'll always be your daughters' father.

Hope counselling brings some clarity for you.

[Iamavapernow]

So hotair, are you still saying that all women who don't regret having an abortion find it easy to move on from it then? Yes?

[honeyandlemon]

I do not often post here, but this is really important. The abortion decision is one that needs to be right for you, for the potential baby, for your children and your dh. I have had to make this choice, chose a termination for many reasons which were right for our situation but the decision affects your whole family. I empathise with you - it is a choice that most of us would prefer not to make but thankfully at least as women in this country the choice is one that is available to us.

[Calloh]

On the face of it he sounds very unreasonable.

You know him though - what is he like? Is he shocked? Has he been emotionally abusive before? Is he scared?

I think if you want to keep the baby then tell him that and say that it's a problem that the both of you got into and together you need to find a way of making it work.

[Meerka]

fallulah im sorry about such an utterly appalling experience.

OP, I hope you're managing to hold on ok. Abortion seems like adoption; people react to it with a huge range of reactions from being unaffected to being devastated emotionally. But from what you've said, you could never really fully accept loosing this pregnancy so I do think you have to weigh that heavily into the equation, when you make yoru final decision.

I hope seeing the counsellor can help you find a path through these very thorny woods.

[Littleen]

Goodness what an awful situation, I feel really upset for you! I think your husband, whilst his reasons for not going through with another pregnancy are understandable, is not entitled to make such a decision on his own, it's something you must decide between you. Also he is being unreasonable refusing both condoms and the snip, and you should defo not have sex with him unless he agrees to one of these options.

Whether you should terminate or not is a choice nobody can make for you. It needs careful consideration, and discussions with your husband. Perhaps you could show or explain to him how it could work to have another child, if you feel like you'd rather keep it? Hopefully counselling can help you, bring your husband too! I can understand it - I too suffer from depression atleast twice a year (bipolar) so my other half regularly have to look after me more than he should.

I think you need to follow your heart, if he's a proper good guy he won't leave you because you refuse an abortion. It's up to you both to decide what the best option is, but it is equally as important for you (both) to include the emotional side and how that can affect you and your family. Good luck, I hope you find a solution

[Mia4]

I'm sorry you are in this situation OP, can you speak to your GP about this? Get some emotional support to help you?

OP the pregnancy and what you chose aside, your husband sounds very out of order. He won't have a vasectomy, he dislikes condoms yet from what your comment says you've been through all the methods of contraception and then some! What exactly has he done as birth control?

Whether you have an abortion or keep the baby, he should fucking well step up and get the snip. It's disgusting that he leaves it all to you, even if he really is against the bloody vasectomy he should wear condoms. Whatever happens I would refrain from sex with him until he sorts out birth control.

[Melonbreath]

If you do have a termination and regret It wouldn't it impact your relationship anyway?
Your friend may have moved on from hers as it was entirely her own decision and right for her. But I bet it did affect her just the same.

[jobesaurus]

Just wanted to update to say I've spoken to h properly and he's happy for the pregnancy to go ahead. His reluctance wasn't really anything to do with the reasons he gave but because he's terrified of me giving birth as we almost lost dd2 and I wasn't in a good way physically or mentally afterwards.

Thank you to all who offered kind words and advice.

[CheerfulYank]

Oh I'm really, really glad Jobs. Hopefully he reacted out of shock and fear and not because he is an abusive person.

Best of luck in your pregnancy!

[YouTheCat]

Hope it goes smoothly for you, Job.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Oh, that's good to read jobesaurus Sounds much more peaceful than how you were feeling in your OP? Your H is sounding more reasonable and considerate too ?

[Sallyingforth]

That's excellent news OP. Good luck with your pregnancy!
You will of course need to resolve this for the longer term, after the birth. You have plenty of time in which to discuss it.

[Adeleh]

Wonderful jobesaurus and congratulations!

[Xoticdreamz]

Congratulations . It is a very scary time , as I said in an earlier post a was so petrified when pregnant with my third. Not exactly sure why but life tends to adjust with what's flung at it . It sounded very much that you wanted to continue your pregnancy so I am glad you have spoken properly .

[Robbabank]

Glad you were able to discuss it again with your husband op and he was honest about his fears.

He must think about those concerns again now and commit to not putting you both in this position again. Is he more afraid of the potentially serious complications of birth? Or the relatively minor discomfort of a vasectomy? If the former then why did he risk it?

I would advise some contraception counseling whenever you can schedule it in. That would help to go through all the options and allay any fears he may have about vasectomy. And if any of your friends have had it it would be good to talk to them too.

My husband has one planned in a few months and is looking forward to lots of guilt free fun afterwards.
Good luck and hope your pregnancy goes well. 3 is a wonderful number. The early weeks are hard but you will come out the other side.

[Suicidal5833]

Congratulations that's wonderful news.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

Glad to hear your good news.

[Meerka]

oh that is fantastic, jobesaurus the best possible result. It looked so bleak from what you thought before, there were no happy paths out of the situation.

This couldnt be better :)

But .... do consider your contraception methods for after the birth ... this isnt a situation that's good to find yoruself in twice!

[Trapper]

Glad you managed to reach an agreement. Make sure you have the contraception discussion again before you are at risk becoming pregnant again. There are non-hormonal options for you and non-medical options for him. You should not emotionally bully him into a vasectomy just as he should not emotionally bully you into an abortion. You have just made a positive decision together about the pregnancy together, I have my fingers crossed that you will have a positive discussion about contraception when the time is right.
Best of luck with everything