WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

[jobesaurus]

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

[AcrossthePond55]

After our second child was born prematurely, I was advised that another pregnancy would be dangerous for me and would most likely end up in a miscarriage. Despite the warnings DH and I weren't 'careful enough' and I lost a baby that was conceived 'accidentally'. It was pretty traumatic. DH had kept telling me after DC2 was born that he would get snipped but just put it off over and over. After the miscarriage we had a serious discussion. DH explained to me why he didn't want to be snipped. I felt his reasons were rather silly, but to him they were very real. Not going to go into it, it's DH's private business. I realized however that our family was what mattered and that it was more important to me that we NOT get pregnant again than that HE be the one to be snipped. So, I got my tubes tied. The actual procedure was easy, non-traumatic, took place in an out-patient clinic and I went home that afternoon for a few days rest and taking it easy.

You need to think carefully about what is important to you and talk to your DH about his reasons.

[Iamavapernow]

I'm positive there are many many women on mumsnet who have had an abortion and not regretted it. Doesn't mean they moved on easily from it.

I don't need to provide examples it's quite obvious.

[formerbabe]

Oh for heavens sake...stop it!

[bodygoingsouth]

op hope you get the help you need.

[juliacharles2013]

Please don't go through with the abortion unless it's what YOU really want. If he's prepared to end your marriage then you need to ask how important he thinks your marriage truly is. As for withholding sex, definitely, if he's not prepared to wear a condom then he should get the snip. Why does all of the pressure have to be on you???

[SingMoreWhenYoureWinning]

I'm not defending h but I think his reasons for not going ahead are generally quite sound

He doesn't get to have "reasons" for not going ahead.

This is YOUR decision

I fucking hate this way of thinking.
No, he should 'pressurise' her or force a decision. Ultimately it will always be the woman who makes the decision.

But not to be allowed to have input? They were both equally stupid and irresponsible in causing this pregnancy. BUT a new baby (certainly) OR a termination (maybe) will have implications for the whole family. He's allowed to have an opinion on how his life will be affected as much as she is.

[falulahthecat]

A grown man with 2 children still doesn't understand his actions have consequences?

Goodness.

You should NOT go through with an abortion unless YOU are 100% sure you can cope. A lot of regrets about abortions can come months or YEARS later if it's not truly what you want.

He understood the risks, contraception is a joint responsibility. However vasectomies are not always 100% either, btw.
It seems you need to talk more about this, and about his level of respect for you in the relationship in general.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

He's allowed to have an opinion on how his life will be affected as much as she is.

AS MUCH AS SHE IS?

Errr, no. Not as much as she is.

SHE gets to have an opinion on how HER life will be affected because SHE is pregnant.

HE had a chance to have an opinion on the matter of another baby and HE decided that he wanted bareback sex so much that he was prepared to have a baby.

HE decided that. At the time when his opinion counted, he decided that having a baby was just fine as long as he got the sex he wanted.

So now, HIS decision has been made.

The ONLY decision now is whether the pregnant person here wants to have a baby.

And the only opinion a decent man has on the matter is "I will support you whatever you decide."

[Iamavapernow]

So every woman who doesn't regret having an abortion just moves on easy peasy, like nothing happened at all? Is that what you're saying hotair

[falulahthecat]

hotair
I think I can clear up your question.
I had a 12 week abortion at 16 (just) because I had an abusive boyfriend who would hide my pill, rape me, hit me etc. He wanted me to be pregnant so I would 'have to' stay with him. In case you hadn't guessed there was a lot of emotional bullying going on to (and real bullying, I went on a family holiday for 2 weeks and came back to school to find almost the whole year group had decided to bully me because of rumours he'd spread).
I do not regret not having that pregnancy. It would have changed my life for the worse forever, not just because he would have been in it forever, or at least a 'spectre' hanging over me, but because I would not have coped, could not have done things I went on to do. Nor would my family have been supportive.
Even the doctor at the hospital felt sorry for me. I was supposed to have some std tests etc. and he came in and told them that I was 'skipping' it, then asked me to leave the room at the end of my appointment so he could have a 'word' with my bf. I never found out what he said but the bf was as supportive as was possible for him to be after that (ie he didn't stop me but called me a murderer 3 times a day)
No one wants to have an abortion. But I had to do it, for me, for the child that would've have been born into a world of hate and regret.

So, to sum up - I do not regret my abortion. But it doesn't mean I did not 'care' that I was having one, and if I had an accidental pregnancy with my current DP, I would not be able to go through with it, because it would not be what I wanted, where as before, it was.

[falulahthecat]

Would also like to say I would never make a decision about an unplanned pregnancy without taking current DP's thoughts and feelings into full consideration, we are a partnership.

It is ultimately your body, but you would both be parents to the child.

[SingMoreWhenYoureWinning]

HE had a chance to have an opinion on the matter of another baby and HE decided that he wanted bareback sex so much that he was prepared to have a baby.

HE decided that. At the time when his opinion counted, he decided that having a baby was just fine as long as he got the sex he wanted.

So now, HIS decision has been made.

Er...all of that applies to her too. SHE also decided that a baby was just fine as long as she got the sex she wanted.

Why are we so, so supportive of any woman who considers the option of abortion...those who weigh up the pros and cons...but if any man DARE suggest it as a possibility, he's a massive cunt?

[MojitoMadness]

Honestly I don't think it would be a bad thing if you did lose him. He sounds like an arse!

If you're not sure that want an abortion then please give yourself time to think about it instead of going through with it for him. You'll regret it far more having the abortion than if your marriage breaks down, which it will inevitably will do anyway if you feel forced into an abortion.

25 years ago my mum was in the position as you. My dad wanted her to get an abortion, she wanted the baby but went ahead with abortion anyway. They divorced 2 years later.

[SingMoreWhenYoureWinning]

Agree with falul...a partnership includes talking things through, not going 'fuck you and your feelings, it's my choice'.

[SingMoreWhenYoureWinning]

Also think the abortion and the snip should be considered seperately.

Decide if you will have an abortion. THEN decide if he will have the snip...an abortion shouldn't (to me) be used as a bartering tool to make him get sterilised.

Just like it ultimately will be the woman's choice to abort or not, it's ultimately his choice as to whether he's sterilised or not.

[falulahthecat]

Decide if you will have an abortion. THEN decide if he will have the snip...an abortion shouldn't (to me) be used as a bartering tool to make him get sterilised.

Very good point.

[IHateWinter]

If I were in your shoes I'd feel inclined to perform the snip for him.

I really don't think you should have a termination to please to your husband. No matter how much emotional blackmail and pressure he puts on you.

I have a friend whose boyfriend told her he wasn't ready for a baby and told her the relationship would end unless she had a termination. She did give in and had the termination, and was a mess for two years afterwards. Ironically the relationship ended. Luckily she's with a nice man now and has 2 DCs, but my point is the women I know who have had abortions and been more or less philosophical afterwards did it purely for themselves. They still live with it though.

Frankly I'd be inclined to drop the husband, but definitely he should have the snip and not put all the pressure on you for contraception if he feels this strongly about it. He sounds like an unfeeling twat.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

An abortion is not a method of contraception! "oh, fuck conventional contraception, if we conceive there's always abortion!" how awful of anyone. You're clearly not sure about having one so why should you? same applies to him and the snip. but in your shoes, i'd be well shot of him.

[specialsubject]

he could have used condoms, he just didn't want to and you gave in, presumably knowing that withdrawal is a waste of time.

the abortion is your decision. I fear that it is game over whatever - either you abort and resent it (not good), or you don't and he resents you and probably leaves.

good luck - you are going to need it.

[Timetoask]

I am feeling angry of behave of this baby, two grownup idiots (sorry cannot think of any other word) having sex without protection, withdrawal method my backside.
He is extremely irresponsible for not using condoms, I am sorry, but if you don't want to go ahead with the termination he has no right to force you, he knew about the risks.

[VampyreofTimeandMemory]

given that you're already thinking of your pregnancy as a tiny baby, this might well fuck your head right up should you go ahead with it.