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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

194 replies

jobesaurus · 10/02/2014 14:40

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

OP posts:
KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne · 10/02/2014 16:05

You can have the fetus/baby argument til the cows come home, it's clear that OP would rather continue with the pregnancy, if it wasn't for her selfish, irresponsible twat of a husband.

Why on earth should OP, after 2 pregnancies/births & years of struggling with contraception, go through an unwanted termination, plus sterilisation, plus a pelvic floor operation? Just because this man is too selfish to either wrap up or get the snip? yet it is all OP's fault

I have no words for how awful this man is

formerbabe · 10/02/2014 16:07

Sounds like a dreadful situation to be in...to be frank, I think you have both been really irresponsible but its a bit late now..you are where you are.

YABU to expect him to have the snip...its his body, his choice...the same as a woman's body is hers and no one should force her to do something she doesn't.

Have you considered the coil for the future?

Davsmum · 10/02/2014 16:07

Well she is pregnant - Its up to her to decide whether she an have the baby or not.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 10/02/2014 16:07

The OP does not want to have an abortion she is being pressured in to one. You are being a really nasty individual to her and I can't think what you are getting out of it?

HowManyUsernamesAreThere · 10/02/2014 16:07

As a bloke I would say... NO, you are not being unreasonable.

However, he has to understand he has a part to play. My wife's just had a baby and at the moment we don't think we want any more. She's on the pill and, whilst sex is better "au naturale", I will happily wear a condom (as others have said, every form of contraception, even the pill, can fail) and have already "offered up my bollocks" for the snip should we decide not to have another kid.

If you've basically said that one of you has to be sterilised then it should be him. From my understanding it's a LOT easier for a man than a woman, both in performing and in reversing (should it be required).

I'm staying away from the whole abortion issue though.

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:08

I guess for certain reasons I find this a hard thread. I find it hard reading an OP that reads quite clearly in favour of putting an arsehole before a FETUS without questioning it.

hotair · 10/02/2014 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:08

Vaper, you have added nothing to this thread. You have no helpful advice for the OP who is upset at her situation.

You are just banging on with your own agenda. Go and do it somewhere people are interested.

Xoticdreamz · 10/02/2014 16:09

Very hard position to be in . I think I would find it very hard to respect and want to be with my DH if he was so unsupportive.
The diaphragm is a very forgotten contraception or non hormonal coil .

LouiseAderyn · 10/02/2014 16:10

I'm another one who thinks you should keep the baby and get rid of the husband!

He is being so so selfish and doesn't seem to care about you at all. I don't think I would be able to forgive him and I don't think I would want to either.

Lottystar · 10/02/2014 16:10

I should also add that I do not think you are unreasonable for withholding sex should you still be together after the decision has been made on the baby. He needs to man up and take responsibility too. It looks like he is happy for you to be the grown up here whilst he gets his kicks. I think you need to have a serious chat and lay on the line how you feel. Good luck op.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 10/02/2014 16:15

4 weeks it's not even a fetus yet, it's an embryo.

absolutely right, and happy to be corrected.

vapor No an upset woman concerned about losing a father for her two children is asking for advice, so you have a go at her and call her irrisponsible. As I said the Withdrawl method is actually highly effective when used correctly so the Op was trying to avoid pregnancy and no where in her Op does it say that she knew she would be forced in to an abortion should it fail

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:15

It's not hysteria. I think my feelings are valid, whether interesting or not, couldn't care less.

Why would any woman ever have trouble/guilt with such early abortions if it was only a barely there fetus/embryo? Just 'something without even a brain yet'?

You're talking about this like it's nothing.

formerbabe · 10/02/2014 16:16

I think they have both been irresponsible. There are condoms/coil. I don't think anyone should be sterilised if they don't want to be and I don't think anyone should be forced to have an abortion.

I kind of get the husbands reaction...a third child would be a disaster for my family and I would absolutely hate to have a third...I can see why he doesn't want it and I can see how the op feels attached to this pregnancy already.

There is no compromise to be had...its either his way or her way.

Op...are you prepared to potentially be a single mother to 3 children?

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:17

I called them both irresponsible, and I'm not the only one to do so.

YouTheCat · 10/02/2014 16:17

Maybe the husband should have worn a condom then.

FrigginRexManningDay · 10/02/2014 16:17

Vaper this is a woman in an abusive situation and your fetus rights propaganda is not appropriate.

OP you do have a difficult decision to make. However it must be your decision. If you decide to have the baby and your dh leaves that is his decision. Best of luck OP with whatever you decide but one word of advice, your husband has shown abusive manipulative behaviour. Abusers rarely do this just once.

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:21

It's nothing to do with fetal rights propaganda.

It's how I feel, and my first post was my first reaction to reading the OP.
That I felt for the baby. Might not make much sense in a biological way, but in an emotional way it does. To me anyway.

hotair · 10/02/2014 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:23

I did not tell anyone to be ashamed or guilty. Do not put words in my mouth. I said I felt for the baby. It's not at fault for 'being'.

steff13 · 10/02/2014 16:24

Do you think you could be happily married to a man who forced you into an abortion you didn't want?

I agree with the others, keep the baby, dump the husband.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 10/02/2014 16:25

OP please don't listen to vapor she is being offensive just for the sake of it.

You really do need to consider how would you feel if one of your daughters came to you and said "my boyfriend is pushing me for sex" "or pushing me for an abortion" or in anyway trying to take control over her body. What would you tell her about the boy in that situation?

formerbabe · 10/02/2014 16:26

Oh bore off with the fetus/embryo debate.

The op has a shit choice

  1. Have an abortion, stay with husband.
  1. Continue with pregnancy and be a single mum to 3.
Iamavapernow · 10/02/2014 16:27

I think choice number 1 won't turn out like that unless OP want the abortion too.

Original poster
jobesaurus · 10/02/2014 16:28

Thank you for your replies so far. I didn't see the deleted message, I can only assume it wasn't especially nice. I have tortured myself with photos of embryos at 6-7 weeks including those that have been aborted so I imagine clicking the link will show me nothing new.

I don't know if this is classed as drip feeding but I think my biggest issue with terminating the pregnancy is the fact that I've had 2 mc before each of my dds. I had a mmc at 12 weeks before dd1 then a complete mc at 7 weeks before dd2, at the time I was devasted(both unplanned but not unwanted) so it feels so very, very wrong that I could choose those feelings again.

I'm not defending h but I think his reasons for not going ahead are generally quite sound, we have no family support as my family are 3 hours away and his are just indifferent towards us which would be a bit problematic as I'm almost certain I'll have to have a c section due to dd2 having shoulder dystocia. We have a small house/car with no real scope to upgrade. And he doesn't want to stretch our modest income 5 ways rather than 4. I suffer from depression from time to time so I think he's worried he'd have 4 dependants at times rather than 3.
But people work around these things don't they?

I know for an absolute fact I'd regret a termination every day of my life but I wouldn't look at my baby/toddler/child and regret him/her because I really don't think you can. I also know that I would resent h for asking me to choose a termination so eventually that would drive a wedge between us so I guess it really does mean that our marriage is potentially f**ked.

Back to the contraception issue, I have over the years had the pill, the injection, the implant and the mirena coil. None have suited me and most made me quite unstable. I did actually consider the copper coil but couldn't find peace with the fact that it stops a fertilised egg implanting. And here I am now contemplating removing an implanted embryo.

I know I'm almost rambling now but I have no one irl to talk to and h says I'm getting angry when I talk to him so that's not an option either, I am booked in to see a counsellor next week so hope that will make everything clearer. Thank you for being kind to me so far.

OP posts:
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