WIBU to never have sex with husband again until he has the snip?

[jobesaurus]

Hi, apologies as this will probably be long and jumbled because my head is all over the place.

So as the title says really, is it an unreasonable request that if my h is asking me to abort our baby that he should really take steps to ensure it never happens again?

We have found ourselves in the position of me becoming pregnant with a 3rd child(have 2 girls already) and h is adamant that the pregnancy can't continue as he doesn't think we'd cope with another baby financially or emotionally. We haven't been using contraception apart from the withdrawal method as I can't use hormonal methods and h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk. I have told h that if I abort the baby then he has to have the snip but he doesn't like that idea one bit so I can't see how to move forward from this?!!

I know the option is there for me to be sterilised but that means me having the termination, then getting sterilised and then having an operation to fix my knackered pelvic floor and to be honest I just don't think it's fair that it's me having to go through all of that.

I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that I'll have to have a termination especially as I was informed today that I have to wait until I'm 6 weeks to have the procedure(I'm 4+1 today but found out on Thursday as was feeling sick, sore boobs, tiredness) by that time the tiny baby's heart will be beating and it feels so wrong for me. It will take me a long, long time to try and come to terms with it but h basically said that the strain of a 3rd baby will break us apart so my choice really is baby or husband(and daddy for the girls)

I'm not sure AIBU is best place for this but couldn't find a more suitable board.

[Suicidal5833]

Please op think very carefully about what you are doing I was forced into a termination and I hated the dad and my mum for it and it is the biggest regret of my life it also hurt me more than anything else.

[Iamavapernow]

I highly doubt your friend has moved on 'easily' from her two abortions at 16 weeks.

[Viviennemary]

I don't think any decent man should force a woman to have an abortion. I also don't agree with forcing men to have the snip if they don't want to. In this case your husband is being very selfish indeed.

[bodygoingsouth]

you will never really know what the conveniences of a decision are op because you can only do what feels right for you at this time.

consider you your girls and your life. then decide. your dh doesn't really deserve a look in.

[SeaSickSal]

I was also forced into an abortion, but in my case by my mother. I will always regret it, I always think when I look at my family that we should have a 16 year old here too.

I think given your husband's attitude to contraception and the vasectomy you would be better off keeping the baby and giving him the shove.

[bodygoingsouth]

sorry consequences..

[jobesaurus]

I'm fairly new to site so how can I get it moved? I'm sorry it turned into a pro life/pro choice debate, that was not my intention. Though I have been touched by those who have been kind in their responses.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

OP if you have the abortion and dh doesn't have the snip, and I suspect that is exactly would happen.. Excuses would be made... what then?

You could never have sex with him again, it would make for a shit marriage and I am sure your dh would make your life miserable about that to. Or you could have an abortion and then be steralised which is a difficult procedure.. Would you be happy? Would you be able to look at your dh the same way?

[SoonToBeSix]

No yanbu re having sex. But much more importantly you do not have to have a termination it is not his choice how dare he bully you into it. Please do not have a termination because he tells you that you should. I can't see how your marriage would survive as you would resent him forever.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I have a friend who has had 2 16 week terminations and moved on relatively easily, maybe I'm being soft in thinking an early term one will break me as much as I think it will.

No.

I have had a termination that I moved on from quite easily.

I get really tired of the idea that having a termination is necessarily a massive ordeal that a woman will regret forever.

But from what you have written on this thread it's clear that
1 you don't want to terminate this pregnancy
2 you have personal ethical objections to terminations past a pretty early stage of pregnancy

Neither of those things augur well for you dealing with this without a massive cost to your own wellbeing.

I'm not defending h but I think his reasons for not going ahead are generally quite sound

He doesn't get to have "reasons" for not going ahead.

This is YOUR decision.

His attempts to pressurise you to do what he wants are unforgivable, IMO.

And those reasons are good reasons not to have a baby. Not to CONCEIVE a baby. You know, to put a condom on your fucking dick.

They are NOT good reasons to attempt to force an unwilling woman into a termination.

Not even fucking close.

There is something monstrous about a man who refuses to wear a condom and then bullies a woman into terminating the resulting pregnancy.

I really hope you don't make your children grow up in a home with a man like that in it. Especially if they are girls.

[eddielizzard]

he should have the snip. but i think you've got bigger issues here. damned if you do, damned if you don't. this is a decision only you can make. can you talk it through with him more? just seems a lot more to talk through. and you should tell him how you're feeling. don't paint him into 'arsehole' picture without giving him a chance.

[Iamavapernow]

hotair

Massive difference between regret and 'moving on easily' which is what the OP said her friend did after two abortions both done at 16 weeks.

I never said anything about regret.

[ovenbun]

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation, not an easy decision to make. You have time to wait and seek counselling or advice if this would help you come to terms with your choices. Afterwards I hope you can both come to a decision about what contraceptive choices you will both make, as others have mentioned there are non hormonal options available to you. A good GP will be able to talk you both through the options to dramatically reduce your chances of being in this very sad and difficult situation again.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

Or ask for it to be moved to relationships

[Iamavapernow]

If someone had no regrets/second thoughts why would they be unable to move on easily?

Seriously stupid question.

For a million reasons.

[Sallyingforth]

h is reluctant to use condoms so we both knew we were taking a huge risk
There's a lot of BU around here.
He was BU of course for not using a condom. But you were also BU for accepting the risk and agreeing to have unprotected sex unless you had both agreed that you wanted another child.
Now you are trading a termination against a vasectomy. I can't say whether that is BU or not because whichever choice is taken one of you is likely to feel lasting resentment. And that is not a good way to continue a marriage.
I think the biggest question is, if you decide to keep the baby because he hasn't had the snip, what happens then? Are you going to continue with unprotected sex and be posting the same question here again in a year's time?

[Iamavapernow]

Don't be so obtuse.

[petalsandstars]

From what you have posted OP in your shoes the relationship would be over for me as soon as he asked for the abortion.

Either the fact that he doesn't want the child or the fact that you don't have that child because it is what he wanted would rip the relationship apart for me.

I am not anti abortion per se but in these circumstances I would keep the pregnancy and seriously consider getting rid of the husband.

If you keep it then it is his choice to leave. Not yours, if he didn't want another child that badly then he should have worn a condom.

[Iamavapernow]

Then you really are full of hot air.